Sofia deeply feels something’s off about her relationship. But she’s finding it hard to admit that she often finds herself more unhappy than happy in the relationship.
In fact, there’s a huge disconnect between how she really feels about the relationship and how she acts and behaves around her partner and worse, how she portrays everything in the view of others.
Of course, that’s because she knows she’s supposed to love her partner fiercely enough to prioritize their relationship and hence, put in the best possible efforts to keep the relationship happy and functional. Yet, it’s far from being the happy and fulfilling one she has always wished for.
“But what I’m I to do?” She thought to herself, followed by the following thoughts:
“Things don’t really feel right, but I don’t want to hurt my partner.” “I can’t just let go of everything including all the time, efforts, sacrifices, memories, and all the things we’ve shared.” “Maybe my relationship isn’t that bad because it isn’t really abusive.”
Yeah, it’s obvious, right? But why are some people inclined to stay in relationships that are nothing but emotional prisons at best and even go beyond rationalizing and convincing themselves to stay back—into pretending to be happy in the relationship?
Well, sometimes it’s because they unhealthily believe that they aren’t worth more than what they have and that it’s the best they can hope for — which is most likely because of their messy and mediocre dating history.
But the truth is, we all deserve relationships where we aren’t just treated better and with respect, but ones that are best described as happy, healthy, fulfilling, and worthwhile.
Sure, it’s natural for a relationship to be challenging because even in the very best relationships, things aren’t sweet and cool all the time, but staying too long in an unhappy relationship won’t just have detrimental effects on your mental and emotional health, but might eventually result in lower levels of life satisfaction, happiness, and even self-esteem.
That said, here are five of the most underrated signs of unhappiness in a relationship. And if one, few, or all of the following signs define your relationship, you might probably be pretending to be happy in your relationship.
1. You’re Suddenly Agreeable with Everything your Partner says or does
Agreeing with your partner on a lot of things is, without a doubt, one of the biggest signs of high compatibility between the both of you.
Because only a few things make relationships and life easier than a compatible partner with whom you don’t disagree on more things than you agree on, even though you also disagree on a few things.
But the thing is, going from an assertive person that never shies away from voicing out his or her opinions, expressing his or her needs, and even things that bothers him or her, to a completely different person that simply goes with whatever his or her partner says or does isn’t just a bad sign, but a sign that the passion and romance are no longer there for you.
Sure, you don’t have to always be bent on enforcing your opinions, feelings, or needs to have a great relationship because, in reality, there should be a significant deal of compromises and understanding for a relationship to be great. Hell, you don’t have to always try too hard to impose your opinions or argue about even the most trivial matters with your partner.
But it’s another thing entirely when you no longer consider it fit to fight back, express your displeasure, or what have you.
It obviously means you don’t care anymore but might be pretending to be happy in the relationship — when you’ve been so unhappy with your partner and the relationship for so long that you’ve ended up in such a situation.
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2. You’ve Become Obsessed with how Your Relationship Stacks up against Others
This might be one of the worst things to ever do in a relationship: obsessively comparing one’s relationship with other couples — it’s even widely believed that comparison is the thief of joy, not just when it comes to romantic relationships, but also in our finances, jobs, careers, and life in general.
In fact, it’s no longer news that making unhealthy relationship comparisons often results in pessimism, lower relationship satisfaction, and lower self- and partner perceptions.
But the truth is, whenever someone compares his or her relationship to that of others, that person is most likely doing so out of deep-seated unhappiness and lack of satisfaction in the relationship that has lingered in their mind for so long.
Because when you’re in a highly committed and healthy relationship that’s nothing short of happy and satisfying, there’s no way almost every couple you see will in one way, or another, appear to be more loving and happier than yours. Unless you’ve always been unhappy in the relationship and have been pretending to be happy in the relationship all the while.
And the best thing to do in such a situation is to invest some time to examine and uncover the causes and reasons for your dissatisfaction and unhappiness.
Next up, you’ll endeavor to take remedial actions as soon as possible either by expressing your emotions and unfulfilled needs to your partner or seeking professional assistance.
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3. You’re Trying too Hard to Conceal the Unpleasant Truths about Your Relationship
Trying way too hard to often hide, sweeten, or whitewash a relationship with family, friends, or even on social media often comes from a place of deep-seated dissatisfaction and unhappiness.
For a few people, they do so out of an excessive obsession with how their relationship measures against that of others, so they make it seem great. For a whole lot of other people, they’re so embarrassed about some unpleasant facts or truths about their relationship, so they try to sweeten it.
Sure, in this privacy-driven world, it’s wise to be very cautious with what one shares with others about his or her relationship to avoid oversharing or disrespecting his or her partner, or even the relationship. But that doesn’t mean you should go too far with the whole thing to the extent of trying too hard to hide or sweeten even things you aren’t supposed to.
Because the strong urge to hide, whitewash, or sugarcoat the unpleasant aspects of a relationship like a partner’s abusive, toxic, or other behaviors, is one of the most obvious signs that you’re pretending to be happy in your relationship.
When you’re better off opening up to a trusted friend, relative, or even a mental health professional about any ill-treatment you’re receiving from your partner. Because it may provide you with some much-needed clarity. Plus, assist you in getting the help that will allow you to safely leave the relationship.
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4. You’ve Become So Obsessed with the Past
Instead of being in relationships where you and your partner are nothing but teammates who are on the mission to conquer the world together when you’re pretending to be happy in your relationship, you might simply be sitting back and letting the past take the wheel and drive the relationship to the dungeon of unhappiness.
Because all you keep doing is holding on to resentment towards your partner for things they’ve done in past and you’ve even told them that you’ve forgiven them.
And the thing is, no relationship can escape mediocrity or even stand a chance in hell of being even the least satisfying and happy if both parties are obsessed with the past. At the very worse, it’ll make the relationship nothing short of stressful, draining, and full of unnecessary drama.
Yet, a lot of people lack enough compassion to often make the conscious decision to release feelings of resentment, process the pain, and move on after their partners have in one way, or another hurt them.
But the truth is that the idea of using your partner’s past to punish them means you’re selfish, unforgiving, suffering from low self-esteem, or avoiding addressing and taking responsibility for your emotions, and worse, you’re pretending to be happy in your relationship.
Hence, if you want to enjoy a longer, stronger, and more satisfying relationship, you need to learn to forgive and let the past be in the past.
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5. You’re Constantly Convincing Yourself that You’re Happy
Instead of being honest enough with themselves to come to terms with the fact that their relationships always leave them feeling exhausted and depleted, people in unhappy relationships often convince themselves that things are fine even when they know deep down that it’s not true.
They just find solace in lying to themselves, their partners, and everyone else about how happy they are in their relationships as they simply compromise most of their values and critical judgments in high hopes of making things work. This is more or less like the main theme of this post.
See, we live in a society that expects perfection even when it comes to romantic relationships.
Making a lot of people cringe at the thought of being honest about their happiness in relationships because they want to project perfection. Because they’re afraid to show flaws. Because they’re afraid of seeming unlovable and incapable of loving. And maybe because they don’t want others to worry or be inquisitive …
So, they hope and become optimistic that things will ‘one day’ get better. Hence, pretending to be happy in the relationship won’t be bad until it eventually gets better.
The problem is that this makes them put up behaviors that are really nothing more than a lack of love for themselves and a lack of knowledge of their self-worth and value since they have to compromise their values and judgments. And even justify or accommodate lousy behaviors they shouldn’t have to. Thus, making them even more unhappy.
That’s why lying to yourself and everyone else that you’re feeling overall happy or satisfied with your relationship even when your words don’t align with the real truth is the safest way to remain stuck in a prison of unhappiness.
Hence, if it seems like you’re constantly convincing yourself that you’re happy in your relationship or that you have to talk yourself through most aspects of your relationship, you’re probably unhappy in your relationship.
You might have a gut feeling deep down that you’re lying to yourself and you might even be feeling crappy about everything but reluctant to embrace the truth.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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