We know that all too familiar question…How come you not married as yet…. or remarried? In cases of those who were previously married.
You know, the question you get at family get together, weekend trip with the parents, work associates and so the list goes on.
After a while the question though not consciously asked by yourself, you wonder “what’s wrong with me”? You do a subconscious comparison of the couples you see and you rate your beauty /handsomeness against theirs and wonder “how come, she/he could get a partner and I can’t”?
Whether you want to admit it or not, you do it. I did it.
. . .
Then one day, you have the good fortune of meeting someone who would make an appropriate mate. There is a sense that finally you can fit in with the family gatherings, the couples get together and all the other host of events you may have missed out on because you have been single and just wouldn’t quite fit in some of these events as a single person.
You know though something is missing in the person.
Something just doesn’t quite fit…
It’s not that you are looking for a perfect mate…. after all, you are also not a perfect person. You understand that there will be compromises that have to be made. You accept that list that you had is no longer valid, since no one can fit the bill of the 21 odd needs on the list!!
This potential mate has the key things that matter for a relationship.
They earn a decent income, has a college education, lives in a nice place, good-looking and sociable.
They will make a good father/mother.
Yet something doesn’t quite fit.
You engage in self-talk and convince yourself and go ahead with wedding plans, you accept that you may never really be in love with this person, but they possess likeable traits…so you convince yourself …it is okay to settle Right?
Wrong.
Now please don’t misunderstand, what I am saying, relationships are not what we see on movies, that a dashing handsome prince or beautiful princess will appear before you and you ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after.
All relationships will involve making allowances for the other. Without doing so, it may not even last a day!!
So you will have to focus on what is the most important values and traits for you in forming a marital relationship and don’t go in a marriage until finding these. Unless you want to be miserable.
These are not superficial traits like they must drive a certain type of car…or eat at a particular restaurant. I have over simplified the example, but you get the point I am making.
All relationships come to a point at times where you may feel like leaving, because of one thing or the other. However, you would then need to remember the key reasons why you got married in the first place to keep going. If both partners can’t remember very good reasons for getting married, then chances are at the first sign of difficulties they will sprint.
I speak all of these from my own experience. I settled in my first marriage. I wasn’t looking for a prince charming, but key things like having someone you could build a friendship with, and have conversations on a wide range of topics openly, were things that I gave up on, because I bowed to societal pressure that I was of the marriageable age and needed to “settle”.
What are you “settling” for?
The end of loneliness.
A partner to attend functions and family gatherings with.
Someone who will come home and cook a dinner.
If you can look at your current partner and not envision weathering the storms with you…then you are settling.
How do you know if you are settling?
- When you give up on key values that matter to you for the sake of being in a relationship. Values like honesty, respect, dependability, consideration for others. They matter a whole lot to you and can’t imagine being in a long term relationship with someone who doesn’t value these things.
- They engage in doing things that you totally dislike and you dismiss it as a onetime occurrence, though deep down it bothers you everytime they continue to do it. The things referred to are not minor annoyances like being untidy or not washing dishes. No, it is things that involve being dishonest, demonstrating lack of commitment and follow true on important tasks etc.
- You downplay the things that you said you would never accept in someone and when they do it, you say nothing…after all you want to settle.
- You can have little or no intimate conversations with them. Therefore while you know them as person, you can’t be yourself with them. You may very well be a meat lover but when you with them you become the vegan you never were!!
- They are a lover not a friend. The sexual initmacy is great, but outside of that, you lie in bed as if it is a total stranger next to you.
. . .
I don’t know if such a thing as a soulmate exist, or even if it does, if I may ever find a soulmate.
What I do know, I want someone who shares common interest, likes and dislikes, someone who I can be myself with, have similar financial and spiritual values and can initially build a great friendship with.
When I come across such a person, it wouldn’t be settling, it would be finding a partner to share life’s journey with.
In the meantime, I continue to date and hope someday to do this the right way, the second time around.
What about you? Are you content to settle for good enough? Or wait for who is best for you?
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love and is republished here with permission from the author.
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