As we move into the new year, we may reflect on the year that’s passed. How was it, and how can we make this year better? Did our goals, wants, or needs change? Each new year brings us the chance to have a fresh start. We can live happier, healthier lives, and reassess our actions and feelings.
Just as we look back on the previous year and brainstorm our desires for the year to come, we can look back on our relationships and what we want moving forward. Re-assessing over time can help ensure we’re in the good place we deserve; it can help ensure positive feelings at the end of the new year.
To help guide you through this reflection, I’ve explained five signs that show you may want to reflect on your relationship more critically to make sure you’re the happiest and healthiest you can be. Every relationship is different of course, so these signs serve as simply starting points to consider. If you’re concerned, I encourage you to communicate with your partner about your emotions and needs.
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1. You have different long-term life goals.
Having the same long-term life goals can be promising for a relationship, especially if you’re looking to marry each other one day. These life goals may revolve around topics like kids and moving. Do you both want kids or both not want kids? Do you both want to stay in the same area, or are you willing to move? If you are willing to move, how far or under what circumstances? Talk specifics. One kid is different from five, and moving to the next state for a dream job is different from moving countries to try something out.
While having these conversations is never fun, per se, doing so is important. Don’t be afraid to ask your partner these questions and know you deserve to be with someone who has the same wants and intentions as you. If you’re willing to compromise, great — but if not, that’s okay too.
2. They discourage you from trying to be your best self — which may not come across as obviously as you’d think.
Ideally, your partner will make you want to become a better person. Not in a way that makes you feel guilty or inadequate, but in an encouraging, positive way. Maybe they inspire you with the way they help others, or they encourage you to get help when you need it. Maybe they boost your self-esteem, motivate you to follow your dreams, or help you handle tough situations more effectively.
If you’ve set a healthy goal for yourself, you probably want your partner to support and encourage you in it. Maybe they can join you in the activity or share how proud they are of you.
But if they’re discouraging you — putting you down, letting their jealousies get the best of them, making you feel guilty, not giving you the support you need, et cetera — you may want to have a conversation with them about your worries or check out the power and control wheel. If you don’t feel safe and loved, it’s okay (and potentially even necessary) to let go and move on.
3. They cause you to feel hurt more often than healed — even if you think it’s “your fault.”
When you look back on the relationship, do you have overwhelmingly good or bad feelings associated with your partner? Did they cause you a lot of pain, and do you worry they’ll continue to do so? Be as honest with yourself as you can, while also remaining self-compassionate.
When you look back on your pain, you might see it as “your fault” rather than a problem they caused. Maybe they accidentally triggered you. Maybe they said something that ignited one of your insecurities, even though they didn’t know better. These situations can come up in relationships. According to Dr. Lisa Firestone, we can become triggered because of our critical inner voice, our attachment style, or our primary emotions. When we feel that way or know there’s potential for it, it’s best to work on ourselves and the relationship.
However, also be aware of times when your partner isn’t willing to work with you on avoiding those triggers, and of situations when you might need to work on yourself before being in a relationship. That’s nothing to be ashamed of, just something to honor and respect.
4. When you make a mistake, they don’t communicate with you healthily, or they resent you.
While I’m not big on New Year’s resolutions, personally, I believe reflection on the past year is helpful as we try to make a fresh start. Just as our lives are full of fresh starts, so are our relationships. We all make mistakes.
Communicating when problems arise is crucial. We have to find ways to not resent our partners, ask for forgiveness, and try to make changes. Not every mistake is the same, however, and in no way am I saying violent behaviors (whether emotional, physical, or sexual) are okay. But accidental mistakes on a smaller scale happen, and you and your partner can sometimes work them out.
Resentment is unhealthy; you and your partner need to move on after you talk about it and apologize when needed. If you never feel good enough, or like you can do nothing right, though, you deserve better.
5. You compromise on your beliefs or values for them.
In the most recent season of The Bachelorette, Tayshia broke things off with Ivan because he’s agnostic and she wants to be with someone who’s Christian, like her. Tayshia’s faith is important to her, so she needed a partner who felt the same way and would raise a child in that environment.
While I loved Ivan, I totally respect Tayshia’s decision and would’ve done the same. I have many values that are important to me — faith, rejecting diet culture, empathy, and more — and need a partner who agrees and acts accordingly.
While partners will have healthy differences, it’s okay to want your partner to have the same values and beliefs as you. And if they don’t, it’s okay to reconsider the relationship, what it means to you, and what you need in the future.
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Takeaways
You deserve to be with someone who has the same life goals and values as you. You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel good about yourself, but also encourages you to be better in a helpful way. Communication and feelings of safety and love are vital to a relationship’s sustainability and health. Take care of yourself, love yourself, and don’t put up with unhealthy relationships.
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Previously published on Medium.
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