There are worse things than marrying an unfaithful scumbag with a penchant for risky sexual endeavors and even riskier business gambles. When I met my husband — long before his OnlyFans addiction and cheating scandals came to light — I thought I’d hit the jackpot. Little did I know the unveiling of his true colors would be the least of my problems in comparison to the wrath his mother would unleash upon my life and our family. An unfaithful, immoral husband is bad; a poisonous, vindictive, influential mother-in-law is far worse.
If you spot these five signs in your current or future mother-in-law, you may come to find she’s just as much of a real-life Cruella Devil as mine. If you aren’t yet legally bound, I’d suggest you run — fast.
1. She uses the “g” word in your own house
The excitement of a whirlwind engagement, extravagant wedding, and 7-figure home purchase wears off faster than you’d think. An unsolicited visit to the new estate from your mother-in-law rapidly accelerates that timeline. The day my mother-in-law stepped foot in our new marble palace was also the first day I got a real taste of her venom — and it was potent as ever.
She made no attempt at concealing her disdain for the new cash hemorrhage with which her son had been saddled — at least, that’s how she viewed me. I vividly remember the first dagger she chucked my way, nearly word for word:
“Most women would kill to live in a house like this. Few deserve it.”
I can still feel her icy cold stare, which seemed to challenge me to prove my worth in that house. My house. The house I single-handedly chose, after driving around with countless realtors, viewing and vetoing home after home, when Hubby was busy with work. Despite signing the prenup, the NDAs, and every other random document requested before pledging my life to her son, I still couldn’t shake the one and only perception she held of me: a gold-digger.
And yes, she’s used the “g” word under our roof multiple times. What’s said behind closed doors doesn’t always stay behind closed doors, and sometimes an innocent passerby…or a curious eavesdropper with an ear to the wood (guilty as charged)…can hear more than you’d think.
I’d imagine being called a gold-digger straight to your face (and under your own roof) makes for an unforgettably awkward confrontation. However, years of overhearing terse whispers from a mother to her son, insinuating you’ve conned him into future financial ruin, is arguably just as uncomfortable. What’s worse is walking on eggshells around your bristly mother-in-law, unsure when one may crack to reveal the bad blood that’s bursting at the seams between you two.
Given the fact that she’s the one with a “no questions asked” credit line in his name, gifting herself spas, cars, and international vacations, I doubt I’m the gold digger mercilessly bleeding him dry with my opulent lifestyle.
2. She keeps your arch nemeses inexcusably close
Everyone has a past, but it’s rare that a mother-in-law will incessantly conjure unwelcome ghosts from that past into the unsuspecting present. Yet, that’s exactly what mine does.
You see, my husband doesn’t just have exes; he has ex-fiancés. Women who were steps away from strolling down the aisle, only to succumb to a last-minute change of heart. It isn’t just one or two of them either… Hubby has chalked up these near matrimonies to the follies of youth, divergent goals, or the simple realization that it wasn’t meant to be. He never said much about them and I didn’t ask more; it seemed those years of playing the field and falling out of commitment marked a far away chapter he had long since closed and forgotten. There was one person, however, who was hell-bent on keeping it open…
When Hubby’s mom brought an ex-fiancé as a plus one to our wedding rehearsal dinner, it was as if to warn me that as far as she was concerned, my days were numbered. At the time, I told myself Hubby was mature, kind, and forgiving to maintain so many platonic friendships with former flames. What I didn’t then know was just how many or how friendly they all really were.
Over a decade and a half later, and thanks to mother-in-law dearest, those same ghosts of girlfriends past are still intruding on our life and marriage.
- No, we don’t want to hear about Andrea’s promotion and bonus (or what a great catch she was)
- No, you didn’t need to pass along Christina’s New Years’ postcard (and suggest I take a few notes from her on parenting)
- No, under no circumstances will my blood do anything but boil when you tag a picture out shopping at The Grove with Michelle (the most recent ex, who made that alarming appearance the night before we wed — yet who seems to be your weekend BFF…)
Somehow, my mother-in-law finds a way to continually weave in the ghosts of girlfriends past, taunting my husband with his horrible choice of partner and reminding me just how undesirable I really am. I’m no expert, but I can’t help but wonder if all mothers-in-law are quite this awful…
3. She pits you against this beacon of success
If comparison is the thief of joy, then relentless, meddling mothers-in-law must be the mob-entrenched chauffeurs. While she pits me against his exes from time to time, the more damning, inescapable comparison is that of his sister-in-law.
My husband’s brother, successful in his own right (yet to a much lesser degree than Hubby) married my polar opposite. While I’ve always been the quieter, creative, artsy soul, she’s strolled right into this family and claimed her turf. The most shocking part is how much my mother-in-law seems to like and respect her.
- She’s a numbers person
- She’s bold, outspoken, and oozes with confidence (bordering arrogance)
- She’s managed to scale the corporate ladder, pop out two kids and adopt another three, and serve as a board member on various charities
Yes, my sister-in-law puts me to shame. But no, it doesn’t help when she’s a constant topic of conversation and celebration. I guess raising three children of my own and supporting Hubby along his string of risky ventures doesn’t hold a candle to a woman who can hold down the fort and a 9 to 5 all at once…
4. You aren’t the only one who can’t escape her toxic clutches
It’s a conflicting role standing between your children and their grandmother, perpetuating the façade that your relationship is magnitudes less dysfunctional than reality would reveal. However, as a peacemaker by nature — or perhaps just someone with severely eroded confidence from years of neglect and betrayal — I’ve felt it’s my duty to shield the kids from our petty personal drama.
My mother-in-law, on the other hand, is a big proponent of transparency over tact — and involving the kids in her toxicity seems to be her favorite pastime. While she routinely commands my kids to take sides — presenting Hubby’s as the clearly superior option — there’s one thing she does worse than use our children as pawns in feeding her insatiable addiction to drama, conflict, and controversy.
Criticize me, manipulate your son, and weave our children into the mix for an extra sprinkle of excitement at our expense. I draw the line, however, at the one and only family member who’s remained faithfully by my side through the hardest of times: Scrooge.
Scrooge was our makeshift solution for my undiagnosed late-onset postpartum depression that set in about six years ago. At this point, all three of our kids were in elementary school, gaining more autonomy day by day, and my lack of purpose started to creep in and pollute my self-worth. Laying eyes on Scrooge through the glass panes of his shelter cage was the closest I’ve come to love at first sight. The moment his wounded gaze caught mine, it was clear we shared an unspoken bond, and we’ve been inseparable ever since.
My mother-in-law isn’t much of a dog person — or an animal person at all, for that matter. She’s hurled every insult in the book at him and makes a point to ask “how long they live” each time he makes an appearance during her unwelcome visits. I know some people say the strongest, unbreakable bond is that between a mother and her child. For me, that bond pales in comparison to the one Scrooge and I share. He’s probably the only reason boredom and purposelessness hasn’t driven me to pills. Is it wrong that each insult she casts towards Scrooge triggers a tiny bit of revenge-seeking malice in me? For her sake, she better hope he lives forever — because a woman with nothing to lose can easily become a dangerous adversary I wouldn’t want to cross.
5. She echoes this perilous warning to your offspring
When raising a child, there are a few fates you want to steer them clear of from a very young age.
- Say “no” to drugs
- Don’t talk to strangers
- Don’t be a mean, horrible, judgmental person
My mother-in-law has added one into the mix, which she warns is the most perilous fate of all: At all costs, don’t wind up anything like your mother (me).
Oh, this isn’t a secret concern she whispers to our kids behind closed doors or a figment of my paranoid imagination due to a decade and a half of her curt, confidence-shaking quips and snide jabs at my declining value. Instead, she centers entire mealtime conversations around these warnings at least once per visit, and my husband sits there silently, chewing his filet and checking his phone for emails. So much for a “united front”…
There’s only one woman who can make a man crumble — and she may pose an 8-figure threat
The most surprising truth about deceptively strong men is their tendency to crumble under the influence of their far stronger mothers. As a CEO and owner of multiple companies, my husband has mastered the perception of being perpetually “in control”. Thus, when I bought into the idea that a marriage was a contract between the two of us (and only us), I had no clue his mother was the then-silent (now very vocal) third partner for whom he’d roll out the red carpet and defer all authority.
Perhaps behind every showboating man is a calculating puppeteer mother, pulling the strings on his every move. As I contemplate my impending divorce, the menacing threat of his mother’s involvement has begun to edge into my mind as an increasingly meaningful concern. Cruella may be the real villain in this divorce battle, and I fear she’s the most dangerous wildcard of all.
If you smell the stench of a domineering, probing future mother-in-law during your pre-marital courtship, I’d suggest you run and never look back. Even an 8-figure net worth isn’t worth the perpetual frustration, tumult, and distress — trust me, as someone who’s spent 16 years buried in it, I (of all people) would know.
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Previously Published on medium
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