Those of us in a loving relationship are well aware of the joys they can bring.
Getting to share your life with someone who not only understands you but brings you a sense of happiness and fulfillment every day, is a precious gift.
To the outside world, these relationships can be seen as beacons of personal stability.
“Solid as a rock, those two are,” as my grandfather used to say.
However, whether the relationship is going surprisingly well or cracks are beginning to form, certain things could indicate your relationship isn’t quite as strong as you think it is.
These aren’t things that are obvious to the untrained eye, even when looking at your union from an insider’s perspective. They might even be things that you’ve come to recognize as simply part of your day-to-day life.
But a lot of self-reflection in recent months has forced me to re-evaluate elements of my own relationship, as well as examine potential issues within others.
If you’re concerned these potential issues may be present between you and your partner, here are a few things to look out for…
. . .
You rely too heavily on sex for intimacy and romance
Lovers are just that — they’re in love.
In many relationships, that love is shown through several motions of affection; Hand holding, hugging, kissing, and, of course, sex.
But when sex becomes one of the few or the only way you share intimacy and romance with your partner, there could be something wrong.
First off, it could be a sign you value sexual pleasure above the intimacy you both supposedly share.
There’s nothing wrong with liking sex, by the way. We all have our vices and if sex happens to be yours, no wonder you value it above so many other things in life.
But when the signs of affection you display towards your partner are always in the hope it leads to a sexual encounter, you may want to take a step back and reevaluate your stance on your relationship.
Sex is wonderful, but it shouldn’t be the only time your partner ever makes your heart flutter.
A feeling of separateness
Couples who have been together for a long time (or even new couples, in some cases) often complain they’ve ‘drifted apart’ from their lover at some point.
They feel as though they simply don’t share the same emotional connection they once did.
At the beginning of new relationships, it can be difficult to keep your hands off of one another. That ‘spark’ should stay ignited throughout the course of your union.
Even if it’s barely glowing anymore, it should still be there.
If you feel that spark has dissipated for whatever reason, and you find yourself emotionally and physically disconnected from your partner, it could be time to reignite the fire. Or at the very least try to get it going again.
Work, social media, and other commitments have become prime causes of distancing between couples — we spend so much time invested in other things we barely have any time left for each other.
Or, even worse, we’ve lost the desire to spend time with each other.
If you feel a growing sense of separation and distance from your partner, do everything you can to try and get it back.
Set aside specific times each week when your sole purpose is to spend some quality time together, doing things you both enjoy.
Cooking, reading, movies, and gaming (as long as they’re shared passions) are good examples.
Find the happiness you once had when you spent time together and hopefully it should stick.
You and/or your partner are entranced by other people
“I only have eyes for you, dear!” Isn’t that how the old saying goes?
Well, I hate to break it to you, but it’s garbage. On some level, at least.
Human beings are naturally wired to find other human beings attractive. Even if you’ve been in a loving relationship for years, there’s no denying you’re able to look at another person outside of your union and get ‘turned on.’
According to a 2020 article featured in The Independent:
Thinking someone else is sexy is all well and good. But being in love with someone else? Houston, we’ve got a problem…
If you’ve become totally infatuated with someone other than the person you’ve chosen to spend your life with, something must be done.
These feelings don’t often come about unless there are some pretty significant fundamental flaws in your relationship already. If everything is so perfect, why do you feel the need to look elsewhere? That’s a question only you can answer.
To get to the root cause of these feelings, it’s probably best to consult a couples therapist, or even your partner, if you feel you can be honest without the fear of too much retort on their part.
You have different plans for the future
Nobody enters into a long-term relationship without having at least some idea of what the future may look like.
That future usually consists of a few predictable things, like:
- New house (or new hometown)
- Maybe a new career
- Vacations
- Children
And so on. When you both share a common opinion on what this future will be, you’re in the best possible position with your partner to enjoy a truly long-term and happy union.
But what if your visions for the future don’t match up? What if you both want different things from Father Time?
The smaller decisions might not make that much of a difference in the grand scheme of things. Like what kind of a house you’re both after, or whether or not to invest in a new car when the old one starts losing its legs.
But the variables listed above are usually a BIG deal, with specific emphasis on the decision regarding children.
If you can’t come to terms on what a shared future will hold for you both, and you know one of you won’t be satisfied as a result of a major turning point in your relationship, it might be time to have a serious discussion about whether or not your relationship is sustainable.
Remember: Walking away from a relationship when you both recognize you want different things is not a bad thing. It’s a positive move, not just for your happiness, but for your partner’s long-term happiness, too.
Then again, if you can figure out a solid compromise on these decisions, or you think there’s a possibility one of you may come around to the other’s way of thinking, more power to you.
But don’t leave your decision until it’s too late.
You constantly argue over finances
No couple is without its fair share of arguments.
When you spend so much time with one other person, you’re bound to clash at some points.
But a healthy relationship will keep these clashes to the smaller things…
“Why am I always the one who does the dishes?!”
“When was the last time you took the trash out?!”
“Why didn’t you wash the dog when you got back from the park?!”
You get the idea. But the bigger issues are the ones that always end up causing the most impactful strife between partners.
Finances are always a big one. If one of you is spending too much or isn’t contributing as much as you should be to the financial upkeep of the household, and this happens pretty regularly, there’s a problem.
What makes things even worse is when you can’t come to terms on how money should be spent effectively.
- Is that expensive gym membership really necessary?
- Are you spending too much per week on alcohol?
- Are you blowing money that could be put into your savings every month?
People can get defensive when they’re spending beyond their means, or shared means.
If the pair of you can’t get to grips with the way money is or should be being spent, and you’re arguing about it all the time, it’s definitely a crack in the wall that is your relationship.
And it’s a crack you should try your best to fill. Before it brings the walls crashing down around you.
. . .
To sum up
- Relationships are almost always flawed in some way. You need to find and take care of those flaws.
- Sex shouldn’t be the primary source of intimacy in your relationship.
- If there’s distance between you, do your best to move closer in body and spirit again.
- Obsession with other people is dangerous. Stamp it out.
- Make sure your shared vision for the future looks the same, or similar.
- Money is the root of all evil. But you need to use it wisely and on good terms with each other.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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