When you’ve truly healed from the cycle of dating a narcissist, you’ll finally make room for a wonderful, available, loving partner. Here’s how…
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Are you dating a narcissist? In extreme cases, it’s easy to identify the culprit. They talk about themselves incessantly. When you’re wearing sunglasses, they look at their reflection, not at you.
The problem lies when it’s not so clear, when a narcissist is cleverly cloaked as the sweet charmer.
This type of narcissist starts out as fun, sexy, and exciting. It feels like a soul connection!
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You fall for their loving kind words, and you feel a connection like never before. It’s intoxicating to be in their presence. This type of narcissist starts out as fun, sexy, and exciting. It feels like a soul connection!
But over time, you realize they care more about themselves than about you. They don’t value the ‘WE’ in the relationship, only the ‘ME’. If you don’t leave early on, you will be emotionally manipulated and made to feel like everything’s your fault.
This type of ‘gas lighting’ takes its toll on your self-worth. That’s why it’s important to recognize the signs of a narcissist before you’re in too deep.
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5 Signs You’re Dating a Narcissist
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When you express your needs, a narcissist gets defensive.
A narcissist puts their needs first. They have a hard time hearing you express what matters to you, especially if you’re addressing how they hurt you.
They have a hard time hearing you express what matters to you, especially if you’re addressing how they hurt you.
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Be alert the first time this happens. Address it and see how they respond. If they still can’t prioritize your needs and respect you, you can’t build a relationship with this person. It is hopeless to try. Walk away.
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When the going gets tough, a narcissist gets going.
A narcissist can’t handle the pressures of your real emotional life. They will probably shut down in order to protect their own emotions and have nothing to give you. A good relationship is built on mutual support. This person will not be there for you in tough times. Leave now, before it gets harder.
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When a narcissist feels hurt, they don’t feel sad. They rage.
If you express that you’re upset with something a narcissist did, they will rage at you and not take responsibility for their actions. This is a recipe for disaster in a relationship. A healthy relationship is one in which both parties take full ownership for their contribution. If they refuse to do this, leave.
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A narcissist runs hot and cold.
Narcissists will give you mixed signals. They will be hot for you, telling you that you’re the most incredible person they’ve ever met. The next day, they pull away and shut you out. It is crazy making. Don’t tolerate this type of behavior. If you recognize it early on, it’ll be easier for you to make a clean break.
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A narcissist gets angry when you ask for commitment.
Narcissists love their freedom and don’t want to be tied down. If you talk to them about commitment after dating for a reasonable length of time, they will probably be reactive. They may show this through angry or dismissive words. Or they will display this through actions (disappearing/raging). You deserve a person who wants the same type of serious relationship as you. Leave the narcissist and make room for a partner who wants a healthy committed relationship.
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What if your partner is a narcissist?
If your partner exhibits any of the above behaviors, you are probably dating a narcissist or an emotional manipulator. The diagnosis is not as important as the fact that you are in an unhealthy relationship with a toxic person. You should get out of this relationship as soon as possible.
How do you leave a narcissist?
- Don’t make demands on them to change. They won’t.
- Don’t nag or play games, such as making them chase you by playing hard to get. These tactics will never get them to become the kind of person with whom you can forge a healthy relationship.
- Do speak to them with firm conviction. Tell them this relationship is not working for you. And walk away, never to look back and hope for reconciliation.
- Get support. Work with a good therapist or coach to heal from the pattern of abuse. It’s hard to do this by yourself. Over time, you will develop healthier relationships.
Please stop dating narcissists and hoping they’ll change. Don’t excuse their bad behavior. There is never an excuse for abuse. When you’ve truly healed from the cycle of dating a narcissist, you’ll finally be able to make room for a wonderful, available, loving partner to enter your life.
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Have you ever dated or been in a relationship with a narcissist or emotional manipulator? Please share your stories below.
Photo: Flickr/Victoria Henderson / creative commons
Great article! Much appreciated! My two month long girlfriend was definitely a “NARC” and she was from Colombia too:(
I’m glad I’m out !!
Best wishes and keep your eyes and your radars all open and operating properly so you can catch the sign before you are financially and emotionally broke!
I didn’t realize the guy that I was dating for two years was a narcissist until running across a YouTube video a few days ago. Now, I don’t know what to do now. We’re expecting a baby. How do I break up with him and still have peace?
I am currently stuck in a similar situation, not expecting a baby, but getting into some kind of committed agreement. I am also feeling abit helpless now.
He will not care about the baby as much as he says he does… Just get out. I’m in the same predicament. Hell use the baby against you saying you’re destroying the child’s chance at having both parents. Its just to keep you there but trust me that he does not care about the child.
Wow this truly hits home in ways I felt crazy over
My ex is not only a married man, but he also has Narcissist personality disorder. He would treat me like the best and next moment blame his wife or me for everything. His wife knows about us and his previous affair but sneered and smirked together with him when I mentioned it. Its painful. But i dunno why I still want to go back to him.
Because they’re addicting and alluring… You look at him and think “you’re such a piece of shit” and you’ll probably walk away from him but you have the urge to call to make sure he isn’t angry with you. His wife she’s accustomed to it and if she allows him to cheat he will never leave her for anyone.
Great article and very informative. I started dating a narcissist a couple of months ago. He started off very charming and we had this “connection” that I felt I would never have. Recently I’ve realized that every conversation turns into something about him. We went on a run this evening with my dog and I mentioned how much fun my dog had and he responded with “I know he ran with me for a bit”. It’s seems funny when you realize it but reading your article I can see how this can or really is an unhealthy relationship. All of… Read more »
I started dating this girl in my final year of college, everything was great. It started off slow, but after a couple of months we decided to give a relationship a shot. From the very beginning though, I did have a concern, I did find her a little bit ungrateful. I would try to help her get through her exams by providing study support but she was very unappreciative at first. Later when she gave studying together a chance and it was successful, we did it everyday. After we got through final year, everything started to change. We would fight… Read more »
Please sign me up
Thanks for the article Sandy. Is it possible for a narcissist to have these behaviors towards their significant other but not their children? I am dating a woman who I suspected may be narcissistic but often thinks of her kids first – not herself. However, I see some of these traits somewhat in me – is it me with the problems? Have any guidance on how to recover from being narcissistic?
Thanks,
Carl
Hi Carl, So many thoughtful questions… I am a dating coach who specializes in helping people attract and sustain healthy relationships, not an expert in narcissism. I write about these emotional manipulators because it’s toxic for us to be in partnership with them. Having said that, to answer your first question about the woman you’re dating, I believe that a narcissist is usually consistent in their behavior towards romantic partners and others. As I said at the beginning of the article, the signs are sometimes subtle. I was married to a man who exhibited many of these traits, and he… Read more »
I was married to a narcissist for 20 years. What usually comes from that is complex PTSD. I have a support group on Facebook for people recovering from abusive relationships with narcissists. Articles like your’s are very valuable and important in spreading awareness. Thank you.
@CL,
So glad you are out of that toxic marriage and are receiving ongoing support. Facebook has some great resources, such as https://www.facebook.com/onemomsbattle/ and https://www.facebook.com/HumanMagnetSyndromeWhyWeLovePeopleWhoHurtUs/
Best of luck to you, and thank you for your kind words about my article.
Thank you so much, @DJ Roukan.
Your words mean so much!
Each time I read Sandy Weiner my hope for humanity tends to grow.
The information is always in real time, always valid, always lucid, and to the tip of the spear.