Ben Dutka shares tips to help men move on to a pain-free place after a significant breakup.
We all experience a universal pain when we believe we’ve lost “the one.” It’s an all-consuming, dominating grief taking control of our lives. It can warp previously held beliefs, philosophies and ideologies to the point where such a loss impedes and eventually cripples. The Internet is constantly abuzz with “how do I get over…?” questions, and there’s a damn good reason for that, this universal pain.
But there is hope. Though you may despair now, though you believe you’ve lost the best thing that ever happened to you and “lightning never strikes twice,” it is a fact that the sun will eventually rise on a day where you actually smile. Remember smiling?
These three tips can help you transition into a less painful place more quickly.
- Stop Obsessing
If you had to count the number of times you thought about “the one” in a day, you wouldn’t be able to do it…and that’s because you never stopped thinking about that person. Occupy your mind with anything else: work, travel, family and friends, etc. Take up a new hobby. Even binge watch if that’s what it takes to free your mind from the shackles of the past.
- Set a Daily Goal
Wake up every morning and go after a preset goal. Doesn’t matter what it is. Maybe you’re going to avoid fried foods and chocolate. Maybe you’re going to pay your parents a visit (you keep avoiding ‘em). Maybe you’re going to finish that book you’ve been promising yourself you’d finish. This is an extension of step one, with the added benefit of feeling better about your life in general when you reach your goal.
- The Blame Game Needs to Stop
Sure, your loss was someone’s fault. Maybe it was yours; maybe it was your ex-partner’s. Chances are, though, both of you were at fault in some capacity and in the end, what good does it do to harp on it? Constantly thinking about who did what and why is a fool’s errand; you’ll end up with more questions than answers. You’ll go backwards instead of forwards. “Fault” and “blame” need to disappear because they halting growth and progress, so put these thoughts out of your head once and for all.
- Reaffirm Your Appeal to Others
The time has come to rid yourself of the idea you’re not desirable. This might be a subconscious thought, but chances are, during this recovery process, you’ve considered the possibility you’re not attractive enough, or there’s something about you guaranteeing your loneliness. I’m like this so I’ll always be alone may be your recurring echo. Is your brain whispering these dangerous words? Tell it to shut the hell up, stand in front of the mirror and see everything you have to offer. It’s there, I promise.
- Rekindle the Romance and Excitement
The last step should be obvious, but it’s not quite the cherry on the parfait. Now that you’ve successfully put the past in the past, you still have to step outside the door and start the search anew. You have to acknowledge your progress won’t happen overnight, that love will always be difficult. You’ve managed to see that life goes on and because you’re smiling again, you can take the plunge once more and this time, you’ll be that much the wiser.
Take it from someone who has crawled through internal slime and muck and emerged clean on the other side. It may also help to chat with others who have suffered similarly; research great articles here at Good Men Project to help you out of your slump, and read helpful, personal and inspiring stories that show moving on is possible.
I promise you can do this.
Photo credit: Getty Images