Having a hard time with February 14? Risa Dale has a few suggestions for you.
Hello darling- yes you! You hot hunk of beautiful person. Are you sad about that holiday?
You know, the unrelenting assault of hot pink and red? The one that can cause a trip to Walgreen’s to get your anti dandruff shampoo to end with you sobbing in the middle of the chocolate aisle?
Is the sight of two of anything—animal ,vegetable, or mineral—enough to reduce your awesome self to mush? Are you huddling around a bag of peanut butter cups for warmth? Praying that your sugar OD will result in some existential revelation?
Fear not- I have the 5 step plan for your helliday weekend- I give you…
What NOT To do:
- Stalk their online whatevers. We all know it’s bullpucky, because you saw how they used to filter the shit out of their instagrams while you lay in their bed post-coitus, all their laundry is on the floor too. Sometimes they don’t wash their undies and wear them anyway.
- Think that person somehow made your life better in some deep way that is irreplaceable. They did for the time they were in your life—gratitude for that is awesome—enslaving yourself to an unrelenting self flagellation because they left is not .
- Stare at your phone. It is not going to buzz with the with that person’s special Adele ringtone. They are fools who tossed away paradise in the form of you. Fuck em.
- Pin your value on the last one. Remember who you were when they gave you the look you up look you down? When your hair was bangin, your bum was high, you were all about you YOU YOU when they sniffed you out. Be that person again—not the one who feels unworthy and like nobody loves you. Or come here, let me wipe your face. Aww, come in for the hug—there there sweetie, I love you.
- Doxx them to their local Jehovah’s Witness congregation as someone who is looking to be saved. On Sunday mornings. At 7:30 AM .Really, don’t do this. Don’t go to https://www.jw.org/en/ and tell them where your ex lives. So not nice.
What TO do:
Yes, I know you would rather stick red hot assknives in your face rather than go for a walk. Get up, take a shower and go for one anyway. And please wash those sweats before you put them back on again. It’s been a week, and they stand on their own now.
- Borrow a dog—they will be OUT OF THEIR MIND happy to be with you. They know what’s up.
They will also drag you forward when you would rather be on the couch watching BoJack Horseman for the millionth time.
If no dog is available, it is OK to put the crazy big black shades on and pretend you are a SpyNinja in search of the perfect beverage of your choice. Chinese Throwing Star optional, but encouraged.
- Pick a well traveled avenue—filled with as many different kinds of people as you can manage.
Look at the humans wandering by. Do all of them have a lover, a bae, a partner, a soulmate? NOPE! They are out and about. Couple people live at home, Engage. Ask a question. Or just listen—you would be shocked about what you learn that way. And is that new person flirting with you?
What? Life goes on? You don’t say…….
Photo credit: Getty Images