Being targeted by bullies at work makes you feel threatened and alone. Don’t let that stop you from standing up for your rights.
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I was a victim of workplace bullying. It lasted the full time I was working for the company, nine month in total, felt like nine years. The consequences of this abuse go beyond the money I lost, I became depressed and physically sick.
I think many male victims of workplace bullying go through a similar dialogue and choose to suffer in silence. Workplace bullying occurs across genders.
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At first I denied to myself that it was happening. I told myself to “get over it — be a man and suck it up.” Even after I came to grips with the fact that I was being bullied I kept silent. I thought no one would listen anyway. Who would believe my story if I told them? I think many male victims of workplace bullying go through a similar dialogue and choose to suffer in silence. Workplace bullying occurs across genders.
Besides, these were psychologists perpetrating the bullying against me. They’re trained to care for the lives of those suffering, not engage in workplace bullying.
Fact is, workplace bullying can happen to anyone and happens all too frequently. Author Chad Brooks defined workplace bullying as “abusive conduct that is threatening, intimidating, humiliating, work sabotage or verbal abuse. The majority of perpetrators are in management positions with more than 55 percent of victims saying [they were bullied by] their boss”
Brooks goes on to say that nearly 30 percent of U.S. workers are bullied at work with almost 10 percent being bullied in the last year. Based on these numbers, 37 million individuals were bullied at work.
My experience was a sobering wake up call to just how damaging this abuse can be. My hope now is to raise awareness about the prevalence and impact of workplace bullying, as well as assist others who may be dealing with abuse at work. In this regard, below are five things I learned from being a victim of workplace bullying.
There Is No Attack of Consciousness
I tried the ‘turn the other’ cheek philosophy. I figured that if I was nice or kind enough then I could make friends with those bullying me. I brought in deserts to work; I worked late, came in early and attended after work meetings. If anything, the abusers took my kindness for weakness. Adult bullies do not get an ‘attack of consciousnesses and decide to stop their behavior. The harassment stops only when they feel threatened by the victim or others.
Hard to Prove, Easy to Deny
One of the first solutions I came up with was to contact fair work Australia. I was informed that if I was lodging a complaint I needed to have “hard evidence” backing up my claim. If it was my word versus the company then pursuing my charge was be difficult. I had written down a record of events both in typed and handwritten form. I doubted whether my experience would be believed and I had no witness coming forward to back up my assertions. It was my word versus the bullies, and I feared that the company had the money for attorneys and court fees that I did not have.
No matter how lonely or alienated you feel, truth is you are not alone.
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According to an article in the Financial Review, “bullying investigations are often unfair to the victim because behind the scenes the company is exercising control over the process and engineering its desired outcome.” The article went on to say that all too often lawyers, seeing an opportunity to make big money, are in cahoots with the company.
Brooks explains that victims have a hard time organizing the details of the bullying they experienced. “Their stories don’t always have a distinct beginning, middle or end,” this makes the stories of victims hard to believe for outsiders.
Hard to Find Support
I have no doubt that everyone at the company knew exactly what was happening yet was unwilling to come forward. Brooks reported that 21 percent of workers have witnessed bullying at their place of employment. In my case a “divide and conquer” approach was used. The bullies consisted of management and those individuals who had close relationships with management. They went about defaming my character and encouraging others to join in on the bullying. In the end, even those who disapproved of the abuse were afraid that if they spoke up, they would suffer my fate. I felt alone.
You Are Not Alone
I felt alone, but I never was. No matter how lonely or alienated you feel, truth is you are not alone. Part of the reason I felt alone was because this was a goal of those bullying me. Perpetrators of this behavior wanted me to feel that asking for help or telling other people about my experience was futile. By triangulating other colleagues they wanted me to believe that I would have no support should I decide to seek assistance.
Looking back, I was never alone. In hindsight, I did not do enough to find out what options I had. Despite my experiences I would also suggest talking to fair work commission, ombudsman, if possible your union, or legal counsel. Keep talking until you find the support you need to deal with the abuse. You have the right to work in a non-abusive, non-hostile environment. You have the right to stand up for yourself and seek support if you are being bullied. No one deserves to be bullied at work, no one!
There is nothing noble about sacrificing your mental/physical health to prove you can endure abuse.
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The support may not be readily available to you and will require some digging. I suggest starting with close friends or family, people who will believe your story. That will also give you confidence to tell other people. Talk to a counselor, life coach, social worker or psychologist. Doing so means you will receive mental health assistance and also means there is someone documenting your experience which can be legally subpoenaed if necessary. This person may also help you find additional sources of support.
You Have the Right to Take Action
Doing nothing will not change your circumstances. Those bullying you have no timeline or time limit for how long they will abuse you. If they believe you are afraid to confront them they will continue to inflict psychological torture on you.
I cannot stress enough the importance of seeking assistance. There is nothing noble about sacrificing your mental/physical health to prove you can endure abuse.
There is no shame in deciding to leave the job. Doing so can allow you to get your health in order. If you want you can go back and file charges after you leave. In my case, I decided that leaving was the best decision for me.
Only you know whether you decide to stay and seek assistance or leave and take care of you. Regardless, doing nothing is not a solution.
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Photo: Flickr/Oscar Rohena
“Keep talking until you find the support you need to fight the abuse…”
Every bully has his weak spots…you have to be patient and find how to fight back…learn who your enemy is and hit hard where he shows vulnerability….make allies….if you sit quiet, you can find sympathetic people and appeal to that side….
I’ve worked in IT for almost 30 years. I’ve seen bullying within the department. Not so much the sexualized bullying we hear directed towards women and it not a type of bullying I’ve ever seen directed at a woman. It’s bullying based on a person’s technical ability. Kind of similar to that catty bullying in that movie Real Genius. Even geeks have their pecking orders.
(1) If someone is getting in your face, do not back up or give up ground. If you are lucky they will do something stupid that will get them reprimanded or fired.
(2) Do not react to taunting. Look slightly amused, or just turn your back on them.
(3) Confront them outside of work where they don’t have the advantage.