The image of myself has always been less than admirable; I didn’t have a lot of days in my life that I loved myself.
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I have been what’s considered “big” for most of my life. I was the kid that had to get his pants from the “husky” section of the store. Even then it was no secret what the word husky meant–you were the fat kid. No matter what Grandma said, even she knew it.
I didn’t have a lot of days in my life that I loved myself.
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It’s been a near constant struggle; I have gained and lost more weight in the last twenty years than I care to acknowledge. I was always told things like, “you’ll grow out of it” or, “you’re a boy, you’re supposed to be bigger” or, my favorite, “you just love to eat.” No kidding, really?
The image of myself has always been less than admirable; I didn’t have a lot of days in my life that I loved myself. I don’t remember ever having one where I loved my body.
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I see it in other people now, too. When I am at the gym, especially. I see new guys come in who are overweight, and I can see the sheer terror and panic in their eyes. I know what it is because I have always dealt with the same feelings. The tugging on the shirt, the weird gait in their walk because they believe everybody in the place is staring at them and secretly judging. The side glances to see who is telling jokes about the way they look in their exercise gear. I did all that and still catch myself doing it today.
The saddest part of that is, just like I used to, most of the time they come for a day or two and never return. I know the despair in that, I know the additional feelings of failure that are piled on top of your already destroyed self-esteem when you give up.
Men aren’t supposed to think about body image that way. We are supposed to take everything in stride and not care about what people think. I was just supposed to keep my shield up and wade through the unending jokes, stereotypes, passive aggressive comments, and fried chicken commercials without showing any weakness.
I got pretty good at it too.
Truthfully, like myself, a lot of men deal with body image issues. It’s not something we talk about with each other or anyone else. It eats at us just the same, though. But it isn’t just us fat guys that think about it, it’s men from all walks of life and all sized frames. Men who have things about their bodies they can’t stand and feelings that they raise we don’t want to admit.
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Men do obsess with their bodies. I am not just talking about looking good to go out on the town or while getting ready for a date. What I am saying is that men are starting to think about how they look as much as females. I can’t tell you how often I get mad at myself for eating too much, or how often I thought about diets and new exercise ideas that I could have tried. For years, I was stuck between hating how I looked and being too lazy to fix it. On the other side of the coin many men who aren’t overweight live in a near constant fear of gaining weight.
We hate the way we look in clothes. Nothing fits was something my wife heard many times from me when I was in our closet trying to get ready for some function. The truth was, it usually did fit I just looked like a fat guy in it. I would find myself changing several times before leaving the house, and by that time I had already decided to have a miserable time. I know guys that were skinny that would complain they always felt like they were wearing their fathers clothes. So when you wonder why we like t-shirts and basketball shorts, it’s because that’s our protective costume!
We sometimes think we’re fat. Even when we aren’t, I’ve looked back at pictures of myself when I wasn’t nearly as heavy as I am now and realized that it wasn’t as bad as I remembered it. At that moment, though, I could have never been convinced of that. In my mind, I was the fastest guy in the room. What was just a little gut at that point to me seemed as though it would sufficiently fill a Santa suit.
We really aren’t fan’s of the jokes. Sure, you’re funny, and we laugh, and we even tell them about ourselves. In reality, though, they suck, they sting and sometimes we just want to knock the hell out of you. Big guys know all the mobility issues they have without you cracking about it, and skinny guys have heard the bird remarks before. We have to quit projecting our insecurities on everyone else–especially with those who are obviously dealing with their own.
We cry about it. Yes, there are times when we get to the end of our rope and no longer know what to do, and we break down. Rarely in front of anyone but it happens, after so much humiliation, disappointment, rejection, self-hatred, and failure, we cry. Mainly because, at that moment, it’s all we know how to do, we are human beings with emotions after all. The triggers vary, sometimes it’s being bullied once too many, or it may be that word of encouragement from a loved one that just came out all wrong.
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The world isn’t likely to change anytime soon, and certainly self-responsibility has to come into play.
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Society has always raised or lowered someone’s value based on their looks. This isn’t a new phenomenon. In today’s world, we face even more opportunities to be exposed to the judgement. Everything from Politics to Music is based heavily on image, talent and knowledge just don’t rank as high, unfortunately.
The pressure on men to conform to a certain set of standards are now just as noticeable as it is for women. Everything from your health to your parenting ability is often judged solely on how you look. Promotions at work, social activity invitations, and opportunities for romance are too often based solely on looks.
The world isn’t likely to change anytime soon, and certainly self-responsibility has to come into play. Being unhealthy, no matter what form it takes, is never something to be proud of. You have to be comfortable with yourself and where you are, not just accepting. You have to truly believe you are in the right place for you, physically, emotionally and mentally. If you can get to that place, no matter your size, you win. Husky doesn’t have to be a badge of shame.
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Photo: Flickr/ sriram bala
It is why I don’t work on teams. I do sales or independent work, teams outside of the military, are worthless pedantic social loafing with drama as sprinkles
It doesn’t matter how ripped, how in shape, how fast I get, I will always be 5-6. There is nothing I can do to change it. Beyond sick and tried of being side-lined because I am not the magic 6 foot number.
I have been just as invisible at 121 lbs. As I was at 275. And everywhere in between.
P.S. bulimia is a bitch for guys too.
Maybe we should hang out. I can stand next to you and make you seem taller. LOL!
Sorry, that probably wasn’t funny…just my way of saying “man, I empathize 100%’.
Also, my humor isn’t in top form right now, since I’ve been working all weekend without any real sleep because a couple of 6′-something guys just smiled and immediately convinced everyone that the right solution (which is clearly the inferior solution, and I itemized all the reasons: added expenses, dangers, and limitations to the business) was the one that involved them doing no work, and me killing myself to meet an 8AM Monday morning deadline.
That’s how it always goes, and that’s life for us, isn’t it?
Great piece! I can relate, and love that you threw in references to people like me, 5’5″ and 112 lbs for most of my life. For me, going to the gym was an odd experience. All I ever looked was scrawny to the point of skeletal, but I was strong. It was demoralizing, but at the same time exhilarating (in that “screw all of you” way) when I would put 300 lbs on the bar, and people would look like they were ready to come running to save me when I hurt myself…and then I’d do 20 reps, keeping decent… Read more »
As someone whose weight has fluctuated between 180 and 290 lbs. in my adult life, let me tell you, IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE! If you let it that is. Yes, when you are fit and trim people are going to treat you different. Most often, they don’t even realize that they’re doing it! The point is, be comfortable with who you are. Try to improve , sure, that’s what it’s all about! Grab one of those ‘Big guys’ and take the time to talk to them. I’m eternally grateful for the ‘Muscle heads’ who took the time to talk to… Read more »
I too, through the years have gained and lost the equivalent to a small crown of people. Problem is that when I was younger and overweight, people simply saw me as a “big guy” where they were far more accepting of my weight then I was. After open heart surgery back when I was in pretty good shape, I was able to keep the weight off. But more recently people have come to me and asked if I was okay, is there something going on with me medically? I’m 6’1″ and weight 230 and people tell me that I look… Read more »