If you are addicted* to the highs of early romance, these five tips will help you improve your picker and attract love that lasts.
Hello. My name is Sandy, and I’m a recovering romance adrenaline junky. My pre-marriage dating history was filled with the highs of early romance; short relationships that started out hot and heavy…then popped, sizzled, and burned out.
I was addicted to the high of early romance. I jumped into relationships headfirst, letting attraction lead the way, without any real knowledge of how to identify red flags or deal breakers. It was all about attraction, attraction, attraction.
When I was 23-years-old, I went on a three week cross-country trip with a guy I had only been dating for two weeks. It was an amazing opportunity to get to travel across this beautiful country and camp out at all the National Parks. But after only a few days, it became clear that there was trouble ahead.
There were long silences, which is not fun when your car radio breaks, and your boyfriend is studying for his MCATs and won’t talk to you for hours at a time. Oh, and did I mention that the air conditioner stopped working in the heat of the Nevada desert? I’m glad I got to see the country, but I could have saved myself from so much anguish had I taken the time to get to know Mr. Silence before jumping into that car for three loooooong weeks.
Thankfully, I’ve learned a thing or two since then. I’m a grownup now, with a much more developed rational brain when it comes to balancing my head and heart. Since my divorce, I’ve learned to be a lot more discerning. And through the inner work and training I’ve done as a dating coach, I have become crystal clear on what I need for a relationship to be successful. While attraction is definitely important, it’s not enough to keep a relationship alive over a long period of time.
If you are addicted to the rush of early romance, these five tips are designed to help you improve your picker and attract love that lasts.
5 Tips for Curing Your Addiction to the Highs of Early Romance
1) Don’t let your hormones steer your picker.
When you lead with your hormones (aka physical attraction), you will be blinded to big red flags. So, don’t let attraction be your only guide.
2) Identify your must-haves before you go on your next date.
When you know what it is that you absolutely MUST HAVE and MUST NOT HAVE in a relationship, you can quickly determine if someone is a good potential match. Make your lists and check them twice before jumping in. This will save you from future heartache. What should be on your list? Learn more about list-building here.
3) No sex before monogamy.
Sex can make you a little stupid. It can fog your ability to judge a person’s character, especially if the chemistry is high. So, take your time before jumping in the sack. I recommend waiting for monogamy for two reasons: staying safe from STDs and keeping your heart protected while a relationship is building.
4) Stop looking for lust at first sight.
Most singles say a variation of, “I’ll know her when I see her” or “Our first date will be magical, and we won’t want it to end.” Not so much.
Chances are, you will NOT know she’s the one the moment she walks into Starbucks for your first date. In real life, you will feel a connection with the right person, and as the relationship grows, attraction will deepen. So, give up the Hollywood dream of love at first sight, and allow a relationship to develop and strengthen over time.
5) Don’t put your love interest on a pedestal.
This ever happen to you? You meet someone amazing. On your first date, you bring them a gift, just something small to show you were thinking of them. On the second date, you invite them over for a four-course meal, which you spend all day preparing. That night, you’re thinking, “This guy is incredible. I feel so strongly that he’s the one. I’ll let him stay the night.” You have hot sex all night. You are convinced this is your soul mate. But…the next day, when he doesn’t call, you’re confused. And then heartbroken. What happened? You just had the most amazing night of sex. You thought you were meant to be together forever.
This may sound like a crazy story, but it actually happened to a client of mine. She’s 58, smart, successful, and beautiful. The problem? She put this guy on a pedestal, and blinded herself to the red flags that were waving in her face.
When you put someone on a pedestal, it’s uncomfortable to be held in such high regard, especially before getting to know one another. So if you’re crazy about your date after only a date or two, take a chill pill. Resist the temptation to text all day, bring exorbitant gifts, or plan dates that are off the charts.
If you’re looking for lasting love, please take your time, keep your attraction in check, and slowly build a healthy relationship. True love is definitely worth it.
Have you ever been addicted to the rush of adrenaline from early romance? Please share your thoughts below.
*Disclaimer: the word “addiction” is used in colloquial terms, not as an actual label or diagnosis.