No one wants to meet someone, fall in love, and find out the person they have grown to adore is manipulating them. Narcissists are expert manipulators. They are damaged inside, often from a dysfunctional childhood which caused them to create a false identity and bury their true selves, which they loathe. As adults, they seek out empathetic, care-giving, selfless people to help fill the hole that exists deep within them. Your admiration, love, and loyalty are their narcissistic supply. They depend on you to feel good about themselves.
If you are an empathetic person, you may fall under the spell of the narcissist. And you are exactly what they are seeking. I know, because I’ve been that person.
When you first meet them, they seem perfect. They spend a lot of time learning about what makes you tick. They seem sincerely interested in you. They are on their best behavior and you can’t believe how lucky you are that you found them. Yet as time goes on, they start to show you their true colors. It is a slow and painful process of devaluing you.
Here are the warning signs that you are being used as someone’s narcissistic supply:
You are doing all the giving.
They constantly expect favors from you. In a normal relationship, there is a give and take, but with a narcissist, it is all giving on your part. In the beginning, they are pleased when you help them, but soon they will come to expect it from you. They will sense if you have poor boundaries and will take advantage of your kind soul. If you stop giving or refuse to help them do something, you will experience their cold indifference. They’ll give you the silent treatment or express their displeasure. Then, to win their favor again, you will bend over backward doing more and more for them, hoping they will be happy with you again. This is a vicious cycle that goes on and on. If you find yourself cooking meals for someone who never takes you out, or always running errands for them, buying them nice gifts, or helping them organize their house, when they never do anything for you, watch out. You are being manipulated.
You will change yourself to please them.
They will test you about your appearance, trying to see if you will change yourself for them. I once was told I would look better with longer hair. He also compared my fingernails to a waitress’s nails once. He said my nails weren’t as nice as hers, and I should do mine in french manicure the way she did. For the rest of the time I interacted with him, I was always extremely self-conscious about my fingernails. If you are overweight, you can guarantee they will tell you should workout more. They may even take you to the gym and ensure that you work out. Your natural self is not good enough for them. You’ll be left feeling like you aren’t good enough for the narcissist. And that’s exactly where they want you. They always want the upper hand.
They’ll test you by rejecting you.
Since they are so insecure, they want to know for sure that you love them more. When you text them, they will take their sweet time to respond, sometimes days. Yet if you don’t text them back right away, expect a double text, or a sarcastic comment. Then they’ll be vague about where they were.
They will talk about others in front of you, how much the others in their life do for them, and you will always come up short. They may be even cruel enough to let you know you are “one of many.”
You will be so confused. You thought you were special to them, and now you’re not. You’ll keep trying over and over to measure up and win their love and approval back.
They will have you thinking you’re the crazy one.
This is a form of gaslighting. They will have you questioning your own sanity. It’s like when they told you they couldn’t be in a serious relationship with you because they could never settle for second best. Yet now they say they never said it. You were just imagining the whole thing.
Didn’t they say that person was “just a friend,” yet you saw them together cuddling up and holding hands, on social media? When you mention it, they deny it. You need to lighten up.
He hurt me madly, then told me I was too sensitive, I had PMS, and that he was only joking. He insisted I had a memory problem, and events had not happened the way I said they did.
They have no empathy for you.
If you are suffering, they don’t care. Everything is about the way it affects them. They may pretend to care, but unlike normal people, they don’t. There’s no empathy for your feelings. They may only feel bad because you made them feel bad about themselves. And in their world, you must never make them feel bad about themselves. You are only supposed to be adoring them, and make sure they’re feeling good. You also should be thrilled that they allow you in their presence.
This is not the person who will hold your hand when you’re suffering. They’ll be angry at you because you ruined their day and told them you were suffering. You made them feel bad about themselves and that’s not okay with them.
In conclusion
If you stop being a great source of supply to the narcissist, they will replace you with someone else, even before you both end it. They must always have a source of supply to feel good about themselves. People are interchangeable.
It’s time for you to decide you deserve better and find a mutually giving relationship where you both care. If you stay in this one-sided state of codependency, you will never find the caring love you seek. You should never exist just to please someone else. You are just as valuable.
It’s time to stop being narcissistic supply, let go of this toxic person, and find a new love that where you’re both happy. You only have one life to live. Don’t waste your time on a ship that’s going nowhere. It’s time for you to see some beautiful views.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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