Dating a narcissist? Married to one? Here’s how to identify and detach from a narcissist.
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Dear Sandy,
I am so grateful I found your articles on how to identify a narcissist. I’ve thought to myself and said to my husband for years (after exhausting all polite ways to request my simplest of needs be met) pretty much each of your 5 points describing narcissistic behavior. Now I know I am not crazy. There’s a name for this behavior, and there are people out there dealing with the same narcissistic crazy-making behaviors I am with my partner.
My question is: How do I get my power back from the narcissist I live with who is also the father of my children? I am a stay-at-home mom to two small children. Money is extremely tight and I desire to live on my own (get away from the over the top narcissism that has been the last 11 years of my life!). After school childcare is expensive. I have family, but they’re in another state and they do not have money to loan.
Thank you!
Shelly
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Dear Shelly,
Your marriage sounds painful and demeaning. You are definitely not crazy. If your husband is a narcissist, he has a personality disorder.
He is incapable of empathy or true love for anyone but himself.
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He is incapable of empathy or true love for anyone but himself. Actually, he probably doesn’t love himself very much either. Narcissists tend to have low self-esteem, and they use their power to make you feel bad. They feed off your pain to build up their ego. It’s a destructive cycle, and unfortunately, you’re caught in the middle.
But, how do you know if he is a true narcissist?
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Five ways to identify a narcissist
#1. When you express your needs, he gets defensive. A narcissist puts his own needs first. He has a hard time hearing you express what matters to you; especially if you’re addressing something he’s done to you. If he still doesn’t value your needs, he’s not a man who can build a relationship with you. Walk away.
#2. When the going gets tough, he gets going. A narcissist can’t handle the pressures of your real emotional life. He will probably shut down in order to protect his own emotions and have nothing in reserve for you. A good relationship is built on mutual support. This person will not be there for you in tough times. Leave now, before it gets harder.
#3. When he’s hurt, he doesn’t feel sad. He feels rage. If you express that you’re upset with something he did, he will feel rage at you, not take responsibility for his actions. This is a recipe for disaster in a relationship. A healthy relationship is one in which both parties take full responsibility for their share in any situation. If he can’t do this, you should not be with him.
#4. He runs hot and cold. Narcissists in a relationship will give you mixed signals. He’ll be really into you, telling you that you’re the most incredible woman he’s ever met, and the next day, he is pulling away, acting aloof. It is crazy making. But you don’t have to put up with it. If you recognize the signs, make a clean break.
#5. He gets angry when you pressure him for a commitment. Narcissists are often enamored with their freedom. If you talk to him about commitment, he will probably freak out on you. He may show this through his words or his actions (disappearing). You deserve a man who wants to commit to you. Leave this guy to make room for the one who wants a real relationship.
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What to do if you’re married to (or dating) a narcissist?
Pay attention to what he does more than what he says. Many narcissists are wordsmiths, saying wonderfully touching things to woo you. They charm you with their words, but they don’t follow through with actions.
If he exhibits any of the above behaviors, you are probably married to (or for others reading this, dating or in a relationship with) a narcissist. You should get out of this relationship as soon as possible.
How?
- Don’t make demands on him to change. He won’t.
- Don’t nag him or play games. Don’t make him chase you by playing hard to get. These tactics will never get him to be the kind of guy with whom you can forge a healthy relationship.
- Do speak to him with firm conviction. Tell him that this relationship is not working for YOU. And walk away, never to look back and hope for reconciliation.
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It’s not easy. So, please get support. My suggestion is that you begin your journey towards personal freedom from this toxic guy by getting therapy with someone who understands narcissism.
Strengthen yourself from the inside, get stronger, and learn how to set clear boundaries with him and others in your life.
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Strengthen yourself from the inside, get stronger, and learn how to set clear boundaries with him and others in your life.
Can you move in with your parents for a while until you get your feet on the ground? Even though they don’t live nearby, there are many options open to you that you might not have considered.
You might also want to check out co-dependents anonymous. I’ve heard good things about their 12-step support groups. The right kind of support will help you break the co-dependent cycle.
I wish you and your kids the best of luck. You are not as trapped as you think you are. There are options, and seeking support is the first step to recovery and a better life.
Stay strong. For more information, please listen to my radio show, Dating a Narcissist. My guest, author Tina Swithin, was married to a narcissist and gives practical, powerful advice about how she finally broke free.
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Have you ever dated a narcissist? Been married to one? Please share your story in the comments below.
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I dated & dumped a narcissist a few years ago. Everything revolved around his schedule, he would make & cancel plans often, and he became angry and defensive when I told him I was making more of an effort in our relationship. I didn’t want to be with a guy who was moody and easily angered. I found it helpful to remove him from my Facebook and my other contact lists.
What does a person do if accused of being a narcissist seeks help and changes their life? This has happened to me. I’m in the process of losing my wife. Though we both had problems before getting married, there was love in our relationship. I was her knight in shining armor and her protector. One problem I think we had was a major division in our career and job earning status. I was at the top of my field as an RN. I was very marketable due to my experiences in healthcare and earned twice what my wife made. Prior… Read more »
@Flight Nurse,
Complicated story. Painful for both of you. I’m glad you learned and grew after the divorce. Continue to take care of yourself, and one day, you’ll find someone who appreciates and respects you.
I live with my boyfriend who use to be my fiancee, he blames me for everything and even told me I ruined his daughter’s wedding, he breaks it off and sys it is not what he wants tells me it’s my fault that the relationship is not working, he gets up every morning and preens himself for the day even if he is not going anywhere I am so confused
Hi Allison, I am going to quote one of Sandy’s favourite quotes from Maya Angelou “When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time.” I have recently had my heart broken and been so devastated by the man I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with. We were together for two years. It was wonderful, except he blamed me for everything, I ended up afraid of him getting angry at me so did only the things he wanted, even then he blamed me that I didn’t make him happy! He would get angry about something… Read more »
@Suzan, Yes, it is one of my favorite quotes, because I ignored red flags most of my life. I write about toxic relationships a lot, because I’ve been in many. The antidote? Self-love, knowing your worth, and creating clear boundaries for how you want people to treat you. Don’t tolerate abuse. There is NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE. I don’t care what someone’s past was like, how tired they are, how bad their job is or their day is going. People need to learn to take care of their own emotions and not take them out on others, especially their partners.… Read more »
@Allison,
True love is about being compassionate and supportive of your partner. It’s not about blame and punishment, or shaming your partner. I’m not sure what’s confusing to you. This is not love, but it’s probably what you understand to be love based on your childhood experiences.
Check out How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved https://www.amazon.com/How-Spot-Dangerous-Before-Involved/dp/0897934474.
And please find a good therapist to support you and help you detach and leave this man. You deserve a loving man. Not this guy.
I was married for 27 years to a charming, charismatic, funny man who would not make eye contact, and hid financial problems. He signed a lease on our first apartment without letting me see it first, which should have been a red flag. He made huge decisions alone that affected our lives together – for instance, he unilaterally decided to leave LA where we’d met, and go to law school in another state of his choosing. He expected me to drop my career, abandon my network and move with no family or friends or prospect of continuing in my career.… Read more »
@J.C.
Your marriage sounds awful. You endured decades of emotional torture, and I’m sorry you had to go through that. I appreciate you sharing what happened to you in order to help others leave toxic relationships.
I wish you the best of luck in moving on with your life. You are strong. You survived this marriage. Remember that—you can survive anything!
@ J.C.. I am touched and moved by your life story. You are a very courageous and tough woman. There is hope. It is a new day for you now. You need a game plan (and some help) and to stick to that plan. With a renewed spirit you will become the whole woman you are striving to become. I am confident this will be your reality. Just because you are 55 does not mean your life is done. You are only beginning to start anew and fresh. Every day is a new day and offers us new possibilities. Our… Read more »
@Julia Byrd,
I love your message to J.C. Thank you for your compassion and support. It helps her and every other woman reading this to know that there are kind-hearted men out there.
JC, I can relate to some of your story. I spent 18 years with a narcissist, spent five years plotting my escape with our two sons. In the end, I had to let our home foreclose. It is scary starting over at midlife, but you can do it. Check your local community college for vocational programs. I updated my education and now work in IT, hired at 52. The key is to have an in-demand skill set and find an employer who values maturity. Look in the non-profit sector. I’ve been divorced for three years now, and staying focused on… Read more »
@Kat,
Congratulations on starting over and making a life for yourself and your sons after divorcing your narcissistic husband. It’s not easy, and you did it!
Thanks for sharing your story so that others can be inspired.
And about that dating and relationship thing? That’s my specialty, and most of my clients have come from toxic relationships and have found love again. It can be done with the right skill set and the right inner work. If and when you’re ready, please reach out to me. You deserve a good man and a loving relationship.
When seeking safety and making a plan to leave a hurtful or narcissistic person, there are other options beyond finding an individual therapist or connecting with co-dependents anonymous. The National Domestic Violence Hotline runs 24 hours, 7 days a week and is free and confidential. 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) http://www.thehotline.org/contact/
Thank you for adding the domestic violence hotline as a resource.