Kerry Cohen challenges assumptions about new evidence showing women and men have different experiences during casual sexual encounters.
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Surprising news from The Journal of Duh: women tend to not orgasm during casual hook ups, and men do. In more surprising news: people are using this information to suggest women shouldn’t have casual sex, and that this is more proof men are selfish in bed. I don’t doubt that the quantification of climaxes means something. Here are five other possibilities.
1. Women don’t necessarily climax easily. Or, at least most of us don’t. When I was seventeen, you could cough too close to my ear and I’d come, but that time of easy orgasming was short-lived. Nowadays, you pretty much need to be, well, my husband, to know how to make me come. And, here’s a hint: it’s not through sticking your penis in my vagina. Here’s another hint: Watch and learn, because the most effective way for women to get off is on their own. The female orgasm is a complicated thing. While men have outies, we have innies. That thing between our legs is a mystery to most everyone, whereas it’s a pretty straight forward process for a man to get off (I know, I know, calm down. There are some intricacies for men, too, yes. But people who have sex with men know that the basic maneuver of intercourse is an almost guarantee for him to get off.) Sex without a committed relationship is an almost guarantee that the woman won’t, though, because she hasn’t yet taught you exactly what you need to do to pleasure her particular private parts.
2. Sex for women isn’t always about getting off. In fact, I’d say it only is about half the time. Sex for most women can be a way to get close to someone, to take pleasure in bodies entwined. It can be about attention, connection, good feelings, oxytocin, performance, and sometimes, it’s about the endgame. But only sometimes. For men, sex is about the endgame. It is also about all those other things, of course. For men and women, sex is about much more than the orgasm. But I think we can all agree that we know the sex episode has ended when the man busts a nut. Perhaps that’s unfair. Perhaps that’s not always the case. But when the man comes, the penis must withdraw because it won’t stay hard. I didn’t have to study Masters & Masters to figure that one out. Women, though, can come or not come, and you wouldn’t necessarily know. They can come multiple times (or some lucky women can), or they can fake an orgasm, or they can lose interest, or they can stay in a plateau state and not climax. My point is that women aren’t always in it for the orgasm. Maybe men are in it for the endgame because the mechanism of sex is an almost guarantee that he’ll get to drop his load, while women aren’t because it’s definitely not a guaranteed orgasm. I don’t know, but I do know that women aren’t always getting their legs over someone just to achieve an o.
3. Orgasms can be vulnerable. I don’t know about you, but I love it when my man comes. I love how I get this feeling that he is entirely beholden to me at that moment. All his control is handed over to me. To just me. I imagine he feels the same way when I orgasm. I trust him with that vulnerability, and he trusts me with his. That’s because we love and care for one another. When I was single and whoring it up with men I didn’t know, I didn’t want to hand myself over like that. I wanted to share my body. I wanted to swap bodily fluids and feel their hands all over me, but I didn’t trust them to that full extent yet. And I was entitled to make that choice. Men aren’t as lucky that way because if they don’t come, they face a whole other sort of cultural judgment.
4. Many men aren’t taught to care about a woman’s orgasm. Or, to put it another way, men are taught that they get sex, while women put out for it, so a woman’s orgasm is irrelevant, especially until he actually cares about you. Add to this cultural set up that the woman’s orgasm is mysterious and personal (see #1), and you get a man who either can’t be bothered or is too intimidated by a female orgasm. Maybe once he gets to know her he’ll work on that, but he definitely isn’t going to waste him time that first night, especially if there might not be another one.
5. Men and women are both taught that men are responsible for a woman’s orgasm. A ridiculous and repressive notion, yes, but my point is that’s a lot of pressure for men, who are built to orgasm easily. In Kitroeff’s essay, she quotes 23 year old Natasha who says, “’I don’t think he tried at all.’ [see #4] He fell asleep immediately, leaving her staring at the ceiling. ‘I was really frustrated,’ she said.” Really, Natasha? Really?? I want to shake her. And then I want to hand her a vibrator and suggest she go to the bathroom and turn on the shower to drown out the noise.
Hook up culture isn’t unequal. It’s simply culturally built.
What do you think? Is my assessment fair? Men, do you find hook-ups unequal? Is there something you feel you miss out on in hook up culture?
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I don’t agree with this article at all. I even find the title misleading. I do agree that woman are responsible for their own orgasms and some woman have a harder time achieving them and it isp ossible even with casual hook ups. I
Interesting–but I’ve found the opposite to be true. In a number of casual hookups, I have come multiple times, often to the point of exhaustion, while a number of my male partners did not. They lasted quite a while, but a couple of them did not achieve orgasm that I could tell.
Honestly I’m a bit offended. 1 & 2 are as true for me as for any woman I’ve been with. The generalizations made about men there are oversrated at best. 3 is true, but not everyone minds being vulnerable, and then again I’ve resisted orgasm because I don’t want to surrender. 4 & 5 contradict one another, though there is strangely some truth to both. Nevertheless I find them overly general and pandering to stereotype. Speaking again to 1 & 4, I don’t think that women’s orgasm is any more “personal and mysterious”than a man’s. It’s just a matter of… Read more »
First, Women are not all alike, and any one woman changes across time, and is different between partners & situations. Second, Men likewise. On the average, men try to delay their orgasms, and with a new partner that’s difficult. On the average, women take longer, take more skill, and more personal knowledge to orgasm. The standard ratio is 1/3 PIV, 1/3 other, & 1/3 neither. Differences in orgasms is not unique, to new partners as any married couple would tell you. However, the reason for women to be more careful in casual & new partner situations is risk. Men might… Read more »
I always thought that women’s inability or difficulty to orgasm is tied to her mindset. Guys seem more positive and liberal about their date’s behavior or looks then women are. A lot of the time we get flack for it, people say that we fuck or date anything that crawls. But I don’t think that this is a bad thing. Basically, he has developed a skill to look for the good in the people he is around. He will have turn offs, sure, but more often than not a guy will look at a girl and actively chose to see… Read more »
#2: “It can be about attention, connection, good feelings, oxytocin…” Great point…a lot of times it can be about nuance….how two people approach each other and the feelings generated by all the unsaid things….sometimes I blush when I am around my doctor, not only because he is handsome and so well-dressed, but because I feel like his eyes are laser-like focused on me for those minutes and he is an empath….he is trying to take my temperature (my emotional temperature) and trying to respond accordingly….sometimes at the end of an encounter he will touch my shoulder in a paternal way… Read more »
“First of all, I don’t like the whole concept of “men are built for the simple end-game” and women are not.” Absolutely agree with this. Helena, dein English ist aber shoen!
Absolutely agree on this! I don’t know anything about ‘Casual sex’ having been with one woman my whole life. The first time I helped her to an orgasm , was the first time I witnessed one. It was awesome! It compared with my own ‘Happy Ending’. For the next 38 years, I make sure she has at least one (usually 2 or 3) whenever we ‘get it on’. Now I understand that knowing 1 woman so well is different from getting it on with someone for the first time, but I can’t picture having sex without her feeling the pleasure… Read more »
I disagree with this article strongly. First of all, I don’t like the whole concept of “men are built for the simple end-game” and women ar not. This is a repetition of very old prejudices and deepens the rifts between men and women. There are a lot of studies and reports showing that men often also like sensual and caressing touch (not only on the private parts), that they like “attention, connection, good feelings” and all the other things mentioned in #2. On the other hand, there are women who can come quite easily, who come with a one-night-stand without… Read more »
Helena, thank you very much. As a man, your post clearly describe what I feel about sex. I disagree strongly with the article, because what she thought about how us men feel are not what I feel.
This, from Kerry Cohen Hoffman? The author of Loose Girl, a memoir about “her descent into promiscuity and how she gradually found her way toward real intimacy”? Utterly surreal.
http://kerry-cohen.com/l/loose-girl
If the orgasm is the goal, then I recommend having sex with a partner you have established a relationship rather than some random stranger or semi-known person. You cannot complain about the quality of the sex if the quality of the relationship is lacking. Just saying.
I wrote a really long response which got deleted! boooooo In summary my points were: > Women seem to have certain amount of fuel for orgasm and sometimes when this fuel is running low it doesn’t matter what the guy does she won’t orgasm. That is true for me and some of my peers. I know how to get off and when I had a lot of casual sex, I only did it when I had full container of ‘orgasm fuel’ guaranteeing me to get off. > 90% of the men I have slept with were obsessed with my orgasm… Read more »
ok a couple of important points 1st, it’s not about orgasm every time for men either (well not all men at least) for me it’s about bringing my partner pleasure ans receiving it myself. 2nd, no Intercourse is NOT a guarantee, neither is oral, or manual… the only thing that guarantees my orgasm is commitment to enjoying the experience on both parts. 3rd, a Good number of us ( men that is) not only care about whether our partner gets what they need and even can’t enjoy ourselves completely if our partner doesn’t. As for the Men you seems to… Read more »
Thank you M.J.O, exactly what I was thinking. I knew men who didn’t want to finish at all because it would “spoil” the wonderful sensitive atmosphere, the longlasting arousal, the “balancing on the edge” that is sometimes more rewarding as an orgasm.
It’s about giving and receiving pleasure, intimacy and delight – for BOTH.
I never gave a woman an orgasm the first time I had sex with her. I was too excited about my personal pleasure (and some primitive biological urge to conquer) to take enough time. After developing a relationship over time, whether a second date or several weeks, I was able to pleasure her to the point of orgasm. I think a man being able to pleasure a woman to the point of orgasm is an evolutionary drive to establish a family unit that will protect and raise children. Casual sex just spreads DNA (prior to condoms).
I agree, Mel. I found offense in the notion that women don’t have sex for the end game every time. Of course I want an orgasm every time! That’s what makes it fun. That’s also why I go about making sure I have one, regardless of the circumstances surrounding the sexual encounter.
Agree. I wonder why people say that women don’t need/want to orgasm every time? Insane.
Not insane. Simply not within the realm of your experience.
Funny how often people mistake one for the other.
so why have sex with a stranger. why not just get off an d save the risk of pregnancy or std contraction. and don’t tell me you use the pill or condoms ALL the time or that using them ALWAYS ensures that neither will happen. I have seen more than my fair share of people contract stds in the throat thru oral sex and way to many unwanted children as the result of wanting an orgasm.
I’m confused — on the one hand you say that these are cultural assumptions, and on the other that men are built one way and women another. I think this article is feeding right into the problematic ideas we have about male and female orgasm and about sex. I also resent the suggestion that sex for women is, somehow, NOT about having an orgasm. Sure, that’s not the ONLY reason why anyone (yes *gasp* men can have sex to feel an emotional attachment, too!) has sex, but it’s definitely the end goal.
This is just me, but I personally don’t find it difficult to be open with my partners, whether they are one-night-stands, casual dates or long-term relationships. And I’m not the kind who can come at the drop of a hat, it definitely takes time and effort. I like multiples and they come in wave-like plateaus. But, I have no problem letting a man know that I like to come when I engage in sexual acts, and am also more than willing to create a mind-blowing experience for him in the process. I don’t ALLOW it to end with me feeling… Read more »
Certainly not all men have been taught #4. I, for example, grew up with a strong perception, that for me sex was all about giving my woman orgasms. The foundation of that was #5, which I can confirm is an idea that a significant portion of women also entertain. It goes without saying that it needs to be challenged and changed. But I would like to comment on casual sex on a different level: I had a couple of ONS experiences and also talked with a woman who was in the habit of doing it a lot, and she said… Read more »
Don’t #4 and #5 kind of contradict each other?
I don’t know. My first reaction was that, okay, based on averages, women might have more difficult to achieve an orgasm tan men have. But is that a reason, a valid excuse, to not strive in that direction? And at the same time that we say that the female orgasm is more elusive, however hard a man might try to get there, we still chastise and ridicule him as selfish, emotionally closed, etc, for not being able to bring her there. It’s pretty much “damned if you do and damned if you don’t” for any guy who actually cares about… Read more »
Overwhelming peer reviewed research shows that women are more apt to orgasm in an established and trusted relationship than in random or casual encounters (see research citation in the back of VAGINA by Naomi Wolf). Just saying for those guys out there who are only concerned with getting a woman off to placate your own egos, and for the women who have taken on the mentality that you can always achieve an orgasm by adopting the “fuck like a frat boy mentality”.
I have a problem with number 5 and shaming Natasha because she wanted to have an orgasm with her partner and didn’t. Handing her a vibrator and telling her to go into the bathroom when she feels he didn’t try does not fix the core issue Natasha is having. She wanted to have her orgasm with him. Not with some piece of plastic and batteries. It would make more sense to tell Natasha to communicate better how her partner could help her reach orgasm. Expecting her to get off with a vibrator and be happy with that seems really disconnected.… Read more »
I love this breakdown of the situation, especially as women see it. Great article