If you’re a shy person, like me, chances are you’re struggling with interacting with people you don’t know well — even more if you have a crush on them.
Personally, when it came to strangers or people I barely knew, I always found it difficult to initiate conversations, keep them going, or find a way that would allow me to get closer to them.
Some people are natural charmers. There’s just something about the way they walk, talk, and behave that you simply want to get closer to them. For the rest of us, however, thank the universe psychology exists.
I’ve always adored psychology. I’ve spent endless hours taking psychology courses and reading psychology books and I must say I’ve learned some invaluable things.
The way our mind works is extraordinary. We think we have control over it but usually, something unconscious dictates our actions — especially when it comes to our interaction with others.
Sometimes, relationships develop so naturally that you don’t even realize how or when they even started. But some other times, it takes a little more effort to bring a person you’re interested in closer to you.
Below are six psychological tricks and techniques that can help you achieve that.
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1. Use the “Benjamin Franklin Effect.”
The Benjamin Franklin Effect is a psychological phenomenon, based on our brain’s dislike of cognitive dissonance and suggests that we tend to like people for whom we do nice things.
In Benjamin Franklin’s own words:
“He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged.”
Our minds reach for harmony between our thoughts and our actions. That means that if you ask the person you want to get close to, to do you a tiny favor, like calling you a cab or bringing you a coffee, their brain will send them the message, “Hmm, you like this person.”
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2. Compliment Other People
One would think that in order to make someone like you, you would have to compliment them. And although if you give someone a genuine compliment, they will appreciate it — and maybe you’ll have their attention for a while —, it is actually complimenting others that will make them like you more.
This phenomenon is called “spontaneous trait transference” and suggests that people associate the adjectives you use to describe other people with your personality.
Think about it. Let’s say you spend your lunch break every day for a week with two of your co-workers. The one seems to always have something negative to say about the people they know and keeps trashing them. The other rarely talks about others, and when they do, they only use adjectives such as “beautiful” “genuine” and “kind”.
At the end of the week, who do you think you would have grown to like more?
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3. Use the “Chameleon Effect”
According to research, when you subtly mimic someone’s body language, gestures, or facial expression, it makes them like you more.
That is called “the chameleon effect” and was documented in 1999 during an experiment conducted by New York University researchers.
During the experiment, the researchers had 78 men and women work on a simple task with a partner. The partners were videotaped either mimicking the other participant’s behavior or not. At the end of their interaction, the researchers had participants indicate how much they liked their partners.
Guess what? Most of the participants whose behavior was mimicked by their partner said that they liked them, whereas most of the participants whose partner hadn’t copied their behavior indicated that they didn’t like the latter much.
If you mirror someone’s body language, talk in a tone of voice like theirs, or use some specific words you noticed they often use, it will make them respond better to you and feel closer to you. That is mainly because they will see you as someone who understands them and sees the world in a similar way.
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4. Make a Mistake (or Multiple) in Front of Them
I don’t know about you, but I used to be terrified by the idea of making a mistake in front of others — especially in front of someone I liked. I used to believe that I would come off as awkward, clumsy, or stupid.
Well, everything changed when I read about the “pratfall effect”.
The “pratfall effect” was discovered by American psychologist Elliot Aronson, and it suggests that people tend to like you more after you make a mistake. Why? Because showing that you aren’t perfect and that you make mistakes, makes you seem vulnerable, approachable, and above all, human.
There’s a reason whenever we watch a movie we fall in love with the goofy, awkward person who always embarrasses themselves in front of others. When someone makes a mistake, we feel we can relate to them, and end up liking them more.
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5. Show Them You’re Similar
“Opposites attract.”
This idea has completely saturated the film and book industry and has led to many people growing up thinking that the ideal partner for them is someone who displays completely opposite qualities.
Yet, research has long proved that the idea that opposites attract is a myth. In fact, psychology says that we are more attracted to those who are similar to us — a phenomenon known as the “similarity-attraction effect.”
In an experiment conducted by American psychologist Theodore Newcomb, male transfer students to the University of Michigan — all of whom, strangers to each other — were asked to give their opinions on controversial topics, such as sex and politics, and then share a student house.
By the end of their stay, the students had grown to like more the housemates, with whom they shared the same beliefs about the topics that were measured.
The takeaway is, if you’re want to bring someone closer to you, you should try to find a point of similarity between you two and highlight it. Maybe you like the same movies, maybe you prefer the same restaurants, or you share the same political beliefs.
Whatever it is, make sure you share it with them.
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6. Tell Them a Secret
Self-disclosure plays a central role in developing and maintaining a relationship. When you share intimate information with other people, you bring them closer to you.
In an experiment led by professor of psychology Arthur Aron, college students were paired off and told that they should spend 45 minutes getting to know each other better. Some pairs were given a series of deep and personal questions to ask each other, while other pairs were given small-talk-type questions.
At the end of the experiment, the pairs of students who asked each other private questions developed a deeper bond compared to those who did not share any intimate information.
Also, according to another study that reviewed the link between disclosure and liking, we are liked more by people if we disclose to them, while people who use more intimate disclosure tend to be liked more than those who disclose information at less intimate levels.
That’s why you shouldn’t be afraid to be more open with a person you want to bring closer to you. You don’t have, of course, to tell them all your deepest secrets. As long as you start with “You know, I haven’t told anyone this, but I …”, they’ll immediately feel you’re sharing intimate information with them and will start liking you more.
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Cultivating likability and confidence in developing relationships is something we can all achieve with the help of psychology.
However difficult it might seem to bring a certain person close to you, it all comes down to how you behave around them, what you say to them and how you make them feel.
You might not be able to read someone’s mind and know exactly what they’re thinking about you, but you can learn how their mind works, use that to your advantage, and eventually, bring them closer to you and win their hearts.
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This post was previously published on Medium.com.
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