“I just can’t let go” is something I hear from my clients all the time.
If you keep feeding your mind with this belief, you’ll never let go. Don’t trick yourself into thinking letting go comes with time. It doesn’t. I know people who still hold on to partners they were dating 10 years ago.
If you don’t want to end up like them, the following advice can help you finally let go of your past lovers and relationships.
Letting Go Is a Conscious Decision
You might think letting go is mainly passive and happens naturally when in reality it’s an active process.
The first step is to consciously decide to let go. That means committing to actively disengaging every single day. How do you do that?
Every time you want to check your ex’s social media, new WhatsApp profile picture, or old messages, you won’t do so because you decided to let go. Write a list of 10 things you do instead of engaging in the above compulsive behavior.
Once I actively decided to let go of past lovers, something in my energy shifted instantly. I used to check their social media multiple times a day but after deciding to stop living in the past, I hardly even thought of it anymore. It was like magic doing its work.
Change Your Beliefs
Every time you say “I just can’t let go”, you’re actively deciding not to let go.
It’s essential to change your inner self-talk to help you in the process. When you catch yourself saying the above, stop it and change it to “I’m strong and I can let go.” Here are some more affirmations to say out loud multiple times a day if you want to see a real change:
- I deserve to let go.
- I have overcome many challenges and can manage this one, too.
- I let go of people who don’t serve me anymore.
- I’ll be okay no matter what.
- Holding on does more damage than letting go.
If you still feel like you can’t let go, ask yourself:
What keeps me from letting go?
Some possible reasons are wanting to be available for reconciliation, still having hope, or not understanding your ex’s decision. Here’s where the next step comes into play.
Acceptance
Letting go equals practicing acceptance.
Accept that you’ll never get answers to your questions.
Accept that you’ll never be able to say all the things you want to say.
Accept that you’ll never understand your ex’s decisions.
Accept that there is no future with your ex.
Living acceptance is hard but it’ll ultimately lead you to adapt to the situation as it is. And the reality is, you are not with your ex anymore and likely never will be.
Affirm yourself multiple times a day of all the things you learn to accept.
If you don’t start to accept the situation as it is, you’ll never let go. You will always hold onto a spark of hope and try to change your future by living in the past. That’s not how life works.
As tough as it is, accept the unacceptable and you’ll gradually feel less attached to your ex.
Letting Go Rituals
Recent research suggests that letting go rituals can have a powerful impact on your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. They also reduce anxiety and increase confidence.
When it comes to your past lovers, letting go rituals can come in many forms: burning pictures, deleting message exchanges, throwing away remaining clothes or gifts.
Beware: Every item you still own of your ex means you’re still holding on to some degree. As long as you’ll keep them, you won’t be able to let go completely.
Don’t pressure yourself but make a list of all things you know you’re still holding onto and prioritize what to start with first. Take your time and let go step by step.
Even if you don’t believe in it, you’ll feel the shift of energy that has been released by those rituals.
Write down Advantages
How do you feel when you don’t let go?
Maybe you can’t concentrate, are feeling anxious, sad and disappointed?
If you’re being honest with yourself, you’re likely in a state that doesn’t truly make you feel good. Ask yourself: what are the advantages when I let go?
- Would you feel lighter?
- Would you be able to work more focused?
- Would you have more time for your hobbies?
- Would you spend more time being happy and grateful?
- Would you have more time to attract new and better people into your life?
Remember that constantly holding on to something takes up a big part of your energy. Once you let go, you free up lots of energy and can invest it into something else that truly serves you.
Let go and make space for something new.
Embrace the Discomfort
Change always comes with discomfort.
One day you might not even think of your ex anymore, the next day you might feel you need to send them a message.
Accept that this is part of the process. It doesn’t symbolize a setback, it’s just part of letting go. Just because you are feeling the urge to contact your ex doesn’t mean you have to give in to this compulsive behavior. Don’t forget your list of 10 things you’ll do instead.
Remember that letting go of something is like a drug withdrawal in the beginning. It seems impossible at first but will get better with time if you commit to keeping letting go.
Final Words
Don’t trick yourself into thinking letting go will come with time. It does partly but is mostly an active part you are fully responsible for.
If you decide you can’t let go, you won’t. If you commit to letting go, you will. It’s as simple as that. Don’t forget the 6 steps that’ll help you gradually free up space and finally feel free:
- Consciously choosing to let go daily
- Change your beliefs
- Acceptance
- Writing down advantages
- Letting go rituals
- Embracing the discomfort
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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