I work at a call center. Here’s what I learned about rude people in general and about human relationships.
#1 They Are As Fragile As They Come
Rude people are emotionally and mentally fragile.
Even if they pretend to be the opposite.
They are fragile because they can’t control their emotions. They’re all over the place.
They are fragile because they’re so obsessed with their own problems and issues. They can’t see beyond themselves and their needs.
Just like a child, they’re immature. They’re fragile. They’re scared. Some are evil, but still not strong enough to be wise.
Therefore, rudeness is fragility. It’s a sign the person is emotionally immature and needs to grow up.
It’s about them, not about you.
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#2 Respect is Earned and You Shouldn’t Give it to Everybody
To explain the idea of respect, let’s explain the idea of admiration.
Do you admire everyone?
You simply don’t.
There are specific people whom you admire for a few specific traits they possess.
Admiration has to be earned.
And if you admire everyone, the word “admiration” loses its meaning.
The same is with respect.
If you respect everyone, the word “respect” loses its meaning.
People have to earn respect.
I learned this when dealing with rude customers. If you’re rude, I will simply not respect you. Even if I acted professionally on the call, I don’t respect people who don’t respect me. And I don’t respect people who have done nothing to deserve to be respected.
On the other hand, respectful people make you not only respect them back but also make you genuinely want to help them.
Learning that helped me challenge the idea that you should respect everyone. It sounds a bit harsh. But think about it. Giving away your respect to people who don’t deserve it is degrading to your own self-respect.
Once you learn this, you’ll realize that people have to earn respect.
That doesn’t mean you should go out there and be rude or arrogant. No. You’ll just act and behave like a respectful citizen who wouldn’t waste their respect on people who haven’t earned it.
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#3 Two Types of Rude People
This one is a bit long but bear with me.
It’s worth it.
I can explain this from a psychological point of view.
There’s this theory about personality that’s called The Big Five.
It’s based on five universal personality traits. And each trait has a score. So, you might score high or low on a certain trait.
For instance, extraversion is one of the traits.
Extroverts are high on this trait while introverts are low on it.
This has some genetic dynamics as well, so it’s almost impossible to turn an introvert into an extrovert or vice versa.
You can teach an introvert some social skills, but you cannot change their nature of being an introvert.
When it comes to rude people, there are two Big Five traits we need to look at.
It’s agreeableness and neuroticism.
The first one is obvious. People high on agreeableness possess traits such as compassion and politeness (called facets, for nerds like me).
So, automatically, people low on agreeableness aren’t polite and aren’t compassionate.
They’re simply rude and find it difficult to relate to others.
Photo by Steve Johnson on Unsplash
They have no problem with conflict and will attack you like a predator who attacks its prey.
Remember this as it’s critical. When a disagreeable person attacks you, it’s not an emotional fit; it’s an attempt to get you down; a haunter after its prey.
The other trait is neuroticism. This one is about one’s proneness to negative emotions.
People high on this trait are more vulnerable to negative emotions such as depression and anxiety. They get easily affected by those emotions and don’t tolerate or handle them well.
Those people can attack you, too, and be mean when they get too emotional and angry. They can be rude to some extent. Or you will take their attacks as rudeness.
It’s an emotional fit. They’re scared. Just like a cat that got cornered, it would come back at you with claws sharper than Gordan Ramsay’s kitchen knife.
On the other hand, a disagreeable person is like a tiger who haunts because he’s hungry. Attacks because it wants and can. They’re here to get you.
I had some people who are high on neuroticism apologize to me at the end of the call for being rude and yelling. But disagreeable people are different.
And it’s important to know what type of person you’re dealing with.
A person who is high on neuroticism can be soothed. They have no excuse to be rude. But they can be dealt with to some extent with proper words and listening and understanding.
A disagreeable person who is here to get you is a different case. It’s a battle. And you must be ready verbally and mentally. Don’t give them any chance to tear you down. They’re here to get you.
Those are the type of people you must be assertive with to an extreme.
But for now, remember that you need to know that rude people are different. Know what type of person you’re dealing with to understand what strategy you can use.
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#4 Angry People Don’t Listen. Stop Trying to Argue with Them
This one is simple.
Angry people are too emotionally charged to understand and too blind to see anything.
They simply don’t hear logic.
Arguing with them will always lead you both nowhere.
It will make them angrier and it will make the conversation you’re having fruitless.
Save your energy and don’t engage with them in that state. You’ll only consume your energy for nothing.
If you have some respect for them, try to calm them down and avoid arguing at the time. Arguing during moments of anger will do you both no good.
If you don’t care about the angry person, just withdraw from the situation.
It’s not worth it. Choose your battles carefully.
Note that this doesn’t mean you should let angry people walk all over you.
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#5 Rude People Want to Strip You of Your Confidence and Calmness
When someone is rude to you, remember only 2 things.
Confidence. Calmness.
They will try to make you lose both. Don’t allow that to happen. Hoard your power.
Demonstrating confidence calmly is how you tell them to not mess with you.
Your voice, look, words, and attitude should all resonate with confidence. Even if you don’t feel it inside, stand your ground. This will make most rude people back off, which will give you more confidence.
Sharp voice, firm look, assertive words.
Being calm will add another layer of power. It will make you even stronger.
Remember.
Rude people are targeting your confidence and calmness. They want to shake your sense of self and they want to make you look clumsy. Show confidence and see them backing off.
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#6 There are More Reasonable People Than Rude Ones
This is the bright side.
To be fair, and I am speaking about my own experience in the call center I work at, there are more reasonable people than rude ones.
A few rude people can ruin your day. But if you look deeper, respectful people are more than rude ones.
The ones who brighten your day and wish you a great shift are many.
And in real life, I believe there are more reasonable people than rude ones.
This doesn’t mean that rude people don’t exist. And this shouldn’t make you act as though life is full of rainbows.
But, in my own experience, there are more reasonable people than rude ones.
Acting based on the premise that there are more rude people than nice ones will do you personally more harm than good.
First, it will make you act aggressively and become one of the rude people you despise. And you’ll hurt some good people out there.
Second, you’ll indulge in meaningless battles that will end up consuming you for nothing.
Third, all of that will have a toll on you. It will weigh heavy on your heart, and it will make it harder for you to see the good in life.
That’s too big a price. Not to mention that it’s a price you pay for believing a lie.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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