Pride challenges can show up easily on the surface, or as a cause from an argument. Insecurity can have the same effect without knowing the cause. Insecurity is a more deeply rooted trait that’s not easily detected in your partner when you begin a relationship.
Some relationship partners can bring out the worst insecure traits in us, and you in them.
If you or your partner is insecure, then daily operating from a fear-based norm can clouds over loving sentiments. Higher authentic living is feeling free from those chains.
You may see your partner’s insecure signs early on, but an easier way to find out sooner is to ask questions after you’ve established a loving relationship. So you don’t step on those toes and get off on the wrong foot.
An insecure person can develop an inferiority complex that can go on, never being discussed in a relationship.
Insecurity can show up as:
Apparent pride issues
Lack of confidence
Feeling threatened
Passive aggressive behavior
Inferiority complex
Causing arguments
Demeaning remarks
Criticism
Jealousy
Judgments
Blaming others
If a partner has lived with insecurity most their life, they’re probably good at masking insecure attitudes because they’ve learned to cope through worry and internal anxiety. But if pushed, insecurity can show up in their behaviors, conversations, and arguments.
From the get-go, insecure partners may have a tougher time trusting you, that have not much to do with you. They may see from a lens of not trusting the world because of their past bad experiences.
They may not have vulnerably bared their soul about their past with you, waiting for the right moment, or they’ve never shared with any partner. Despite what is revealed, their past has defined them, and may still be defining them to the degree of the impact on them and how sensitive they are.
If someone bullied them growing up, or someone they loved dumped them, those are grounds for harboring insecurity, especially if they never shared or let out their pent up emotions to help them move on.
Pain and hurt can get buried deeper and as years go by, become more difficult to dig out. Insecure people learned what not to do again or how to cope, that shows up in their thinking and your intimate relationship.
They may not have had caretakers who poured confidence into them, or who even told them they were loved. Combine childhood insecurity with losing trust in various bad relationships, makes insecurity even more confusing to unravel. The point from where they need to re-learn healthy ways can’t be exactly pinpointed.
They adapted, took care of themselves, and avoided needy partners. Because they have learned to be without a relationship, so they don’t feel insecure.
Learning how to feel secure in a relationship can take steps and longer for an insecure person. Like worry, there’s very little positively gained from being insecure unless there’s an external issue where they could be concerned.
Changing insecurity starts with consciously knowing.
If your partner doesn’t want to change, don’t play psychologist, and focus on yourself. Learn to be aware of their needs and help them change (bring to light if their behaviors affect you). If they are willing to grow for your relationship or it’s time for them, that’s a good sign for your future.
Self-Awareness About An Insecure Past
Only you and your close relationships know if there’s insecurity on areas such as, your relationship, friendships, past relationships, finances, success, or the future. Most insecurity has past origins. We aren’t born feeling insecure until our security is robbed.
If your partner’s insecurity shows up and you authentically did nothing wrong, it’s rare that you’re the cause of their insecurity. Insecure behaviors take time to settle in. You may have just brought out the symptoms that have shown up elsewhere in their life.
So don’t beat yourself up.
Insecurity usually has roots from childhood, pre-adult, or relationship hurts. Growing up with divorced parents can lead to relationship insecurities. Growing up poor can lead to financial insecurities.
Labels can bring awareness to insecure pasts, but don’t necessarily help to erase insecurity.
An orphan who grows up to be an insecure adult, can easily connect the dots, that they were abandoned and lacked unconditionally loving parents. Their unmet needs caused fear, and if they walked on eggshells, learned how to not cause problems so they wouldn’t be again abandoned or disowned.
If someone made you feel unwanted or unloved, you can have the deepest cuts. If you’re still insecure you could have self-doubt show up in your ability to perform or your daily thoughts about your partner. You can feel threatened, fearful, shame, anxiety or body reactions (shaking, body ailments, etc.).
6 Questions to Learn About Potential Partner Insecurities
Question # 1: Do you trust me?
If you’re not trusted, then how can you expect any deeper conversations to be productive. The natural default in a relationship should be trust, otherwise why be in a relationship? If you lost their trust, you may have to earn back over time.
if they don’t fully trust you, they may filter or omit what they tell you, that can make you feel insecure in the relationship.
If their answer to your question is yes, I trust you, but I don’t trust the rest of the world or your friends, then you should have a deeper conversation. The first part may be their insecurity. And the latter, could be about your specific friends that you want to learn and think about.
Be objective. If you have friends that lack good moral judgment at times, then your partner can have every reason to be concerned, as friends influence you, and could make you fall. Your partner may have to help rescue you.
If your friends represent a type of people your partner doesn’t want to become, then they may feel threatened by their influence. In that case, it’s best each partner evaluate their friends, and then come together and discuss if in or moving towards a serious relationship (that will outlast some of the friends).
Question # 2: How do you feel about my being friends with the opposite sex?
If the answer is a flat “no” or not unless I approve the friends, then that could be a sign of insecurity on their part.
The best scenario is that you trust and respect your partner’s friend choices and that they consider your feelings. But maybe, they don’t yet.
Know that you have the same rights. Never should you make friends with the opposite sex out of spite. You should find purely platonic friends you would want if your partner were not in the picture, but they are.
By having your own friends, you will have empathy (understanding to their specific situations) and be more fulfilled. Your partner should want to introduce you to any opposite sex friends they converse with regularly, and out of courtesy, not casually spend time one on one without your knowledge.
You don’t want to be or feel blindsided with comments from them or others you know. In that case, you could be the third wheel and sending the wrong message to your partner and his friend.
Question # 3: Do you worry about me?
More specifically, when we don’t talk regularly, do you worry something has happened to me?
Unnecessary worry in a relationship should happen sparingly, not regularly. Period.
Question # 4: Do you prefer *to avoid* talking about attractive, successful, or smart people around me?
Caught off guard this question can be answered inaccurately, as your partner may not know the answer to this question that they may never have observed their behavior.
To get an authentic answer, better to sense how they react with others, in a social setting, or watching television shows together. Jealousy is insecurity at its best.
Question # 5: What do you think about my wearing more makeup, cologne, or fitted clothing accentuating my features?
There are two sides. If they indicate that’s a bad idea, they’re probably insecure, and possibly possessive. If your motivation for looking better is to attract others of the opposite sex, then possibly you’re the one with insecurity.
Secure or healthy people want to look their best for a healthy self-image. Humble people can look well dressed as a plus.
Question # 6: Did anything traumatic happen to you in the past? …that affected your security?
This question could be part of a deeper conversation after a trusted, intimate relationship is established to get the most authentic answer. When you add the second part of the question, then you can discern if they are conscious of possible insecurity in them, and your relationship.
Remind yourself what a healthy relationship looks like from ones in your past or from others you know who are role models. Finding out if your partner is insecure and had traumas, helps your overall relationship. When you know their buttons, you can help each other grow from your discoveries without pointing out their changes needed. Knowledge can crush insecurity with love.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love and is republished here with permission from the author.
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