I’ve always been someone incredibly scared of goodbyes. Too scared to face or initiate them. I have nostalgia for memories — and what good are memories when you can only reminisce on them alone? Last year, I finally broke up with my partner of nearly six years. I was arguably considering this decision for over two years…why and how did I eventually do it? I recognized that it is impossible to live with the following feelings.
Everything They Do Irritates You
This is something that I particularly felt in the last few months of my past relationship. So much resentment had built up surrounding many issues that I found it hard to not get annoyed or angry. Things that I used to find endearing suddenly became irritating. Our minds and bodies have a funny way of showing us how we truly feel and it ensures that we are always made aware that something is wrong.
This became evident to me in my last relationship when my partner’s excessive use of his phone became an unavoidable problem. We had always struggled with this as he was a photographer which means it was his main source of income and he had to keep up to date with socials. I, however, could never get past how much time a 32-year-old man spent on his phone and social media. It was always something we argued about but never to the extent that we did when it got near the end of our relationship.
My methods of dealing with my feelings became utterly different. I would sit back, relax, and watch him scroll through his feed over the dinner table. The built-up anger had turned to nothingness. I watched as he filmed stories for his Instagram audience and I couldn’t think of it as anything but pathetic. I looked at him with absolute disgust. It irritated me to the point of a kind of hatred. And that’s when I knew there was no going back.
Respect can also tie in with this. If their flaws or downfalls begin to annoy you rather than inflict compassion, your distaste towards them will show. Losing respect is hard to hide but can be a great reflection of your true feelings to a problem that perhaps you’ve been encouraging them to face for years. Without respect, it is hard to love.
I noticed the loss of respect that had flourished, the next time he asked for me to lend him money. This was a cycle that never ended. And instead of my continuous support and belief in his dreams, he was met with a refusal. I surprised even myself when the words came out of me along with the advice of growing up and getting a side job. My new reactions to these circumstances showed me that I had no love left for him.
You Are Physically Repulsed
Now, this isn’t to say that you don’t consider them attractive anymore but you are not attracted to them. When you are in love, you see past people’s flaws. Every quirk they possess is considered ‘cute’ in your eyes. This may be reflected within intimacy also. Reluctancy to be intimate is an extremely obvious sign to both parties involved. You may also be starting to find other people attractive and have developed a wandering eye. The initial feeling of tunnel vision for your beloved has started disintegrating.
You Begin To Enjoy Attention
Whether it be from a flirty colleague at work or a charming stranger at the bar, you entertain the attention you’re given. It feels good to be found attractive by another and a harmless cheeky conversation makes you giggle. This is where the line becomes incredibly thin. You either keep enjoying the attention and risk infidelity or take a step back to analyze what the route of this is.
I myself fell prey to this. I flirted so much with my ‘work husband’ that I actually started a new relationship before breaking up with my long-term boyfriend. I described the circumstances surrounding these events in my article; Cheating With My Work Husband. Of course, you never think you’ll be the one to do it but when you’re in a relationship you shouldn’t be in anymore then you’d be surprised.
You Stop Thinking About A Future Together
All of a sudden, your mind looks at your life together, short-term. You don’t dream of the day you walk down the aisle or the way your little one will wrap their fingers around your thumb for the very first time. The daydreams are gone and the prospect of a future is empty. Enthusiasm and excitement for growing old together is replaced by new visions of your future that don’t include your current partner. Or ones that simply reflect other aspects of your life over those that are romantic.
My daydreams began to look more like solo travelling adventures through South America with a map in one hand and a journal in the other. I convinced myself I just needed alone time and to de-stress but what I was really craving was a new life without my previous travel buddy. I began to dream about having a little boy when I’d eventually have a baby, rather than the little girl that we had always planned to come first. And the most powerful image of all was that of him kneeling down on one knee. It didn’t excite or thrill me anymore. Instead, it filled me with absolute dread.
You Want To Be Out Or With Friends All The Time
This is a reflection of priorities. If you begin to believe everyone and their mother is more important than quality time with your partner, then you have your answer. For the last six months of my relationship, I would take any and every excuse to see friends or attend parties. A stark contrast to my loved up self in the first few years of our relationship. It is a sure-fire way to deflect from the issues at hand waiting for you back home.
I personally began going to any and every club that my single friends were going to. Ones that I’d previously avoid. Anything to get me out and about chatting and laughing with singles. It felt like freedom. They were all free. I felt closer to being free around them. I even looked forward to dressing up for the men at the club when I had previously been the biggest advocate for dressing as you wish and the importance of feminism.
If you look back at your honeymoon stage of becoming anti-social hermits together and it seems like a world away, consider the reasons why. Is it just that it’s been eight years and you have become used to one another or is there a deeper issue at the core?
Each of these are natural coping mechanisms to distance ourselves from the issue. It takes a deep self-awareness to step back and recognize them within ourselves. At times we aren’t ready to accept that we need change. Change is always feared but there is no lying to yourself. Whether you choose to live with it or not, it isn’t rocket science to conclude whether the love you have for your partner is still there…
These are all unavoidable signs that showed up in my previous relationship and I am milestones away from those feelings. I believe that the happiness I have with my current partner also allows me to reflect on the differences in the two relationships. I know myself better for it.
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Previously published on medium
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Photo credit: by Henri Pham on Unsplash