Spotting unhealthy behaviors in a relationship isn’t as easy as you might think. If you’re someone who doesn’t love being single or who wants a relationship to work out (check and check), this may be extra difficult for you.
I’ve experienced my fair share of unhealthy relationships, and I didn’t always have a word for the unhappiness I felt in them. I could sense something was wrong — but was it just me?
Once I learned more about different dating trends and what they looked like, I felt relief. Knowing there was a word for what I was going through and that I wasn’t alone felt validating and comforting.
Let’s talk about some of those behaviors you may see in your relationships and how to identify them as what they are.
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1. Love bombing
Love bombing is a type of emotional abuse where someone piles on the admiration and affection, especially early in a relationship or after hurting you, to get what they want.
If you’ve experienced this, you may feel you owe that person, or you may forgive them more quickly or easily than usual.
(Love bombing isn’t necessarily a “trend,” per se, like some of the others are. However, I used the word “trends” in the title for easier reading.)
Signs to look out for
- The gifts, compliments, and romantic lines keep coming — and it seems a bit suspicious or unlike healthy relationships you have
- You feel those behaviors are moving the relationship along too quickly
- All that romance comes after big fights or after you try to break up with them
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2. Mirroring
Mirroring is when someone acts and responds in the same ways you do, and appears to be just like you or perfect for you, to make the connection seem deeper than it is.
Mirroring isn’t always a bad thing — sometimes you and your date may talk about what you have in common for easier conversation, for example — but when it’s used in a disingenuous or manipulative way, it’s an issue.
Signs to look out for
- Your relationship seems too good to be true
- They seem to mirror you sometimes and appear disinterested other times, to get what they want from you
- You notice signs of narcissism, such as turning on you quickly, focusing on themselves, acting like they’re always right, and/or lacking empathy
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3. Negging
Have you ever gotten a compliment that didn’t feel like a compliment because it was mixed with an insult? You may have experienced negging, aka someone giving backhanded compliments to make another person feel like they have to prove themselves.
Signs to look out for
- They compare you to others
- They pay you too much attention and make you feel you’re never quite good enough for them
- Their compliments have hurtful criticisms attached
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4. Paperclipping
So your date ghosted you — then came back. Then ghosted you again. This is called paperclipping. It’s when someone pops up in your life only to make themselves feel good, not to advance the relationship in a healthy, positive way.
Signs to look out for
- They randomly ghost you then pop up again, over and over, all while making excuses as to why
- The relationship between you never truly progresses
- They seem flaky or unreliable and don’t make or follow through with plans
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5. Breadcrumbing
People who engage in breadcrumbing tend to only give small bits of attention and affection to their partner or date. And usually, it’s only when that person is pulling away. This way, they can put in little effort for essentially the same “reward.”
Signs to look out for
- The relationship has lots of ups and downs: You feel really liked one day and unwanted the next
- You get more attention from them when you pull away or text them less
- Their admiration is intermittent and seems to involve ulterior motives
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6. Enmeshment
Enmeshment usually occurs between family members, but you may experience it with your partner, too. It’s when two people are heavily involved in each other’s lives and selves, so much so that there’s little to no sense of autonomy.
Signs to look out for
- You feel like your feelings are intermixed with theirs, in which drawing a line between where you end and where they start feels difficult
- You feel responsible for and/or codependent on them
- Boundaries aren’t clearly defined and respected between you and the other person
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Responding to these behaviors
These behaviors range in severity, and your response to each will differ, to some degree.
Plus, not everyone has the same level of access to opportunities — such as therapy or leaving the relationship — that others have.
I also want to be respectful of people’s wishes and autonomy, especially when some of the above dating behaviors can, in a sense, take that away from you.
And at the same time, I want you to know these relationships typically aren’t healthy, and the person engaging in those trends probably isn’t going to change — at least anytime soon.
Ultimately, please remember you deserve more. You deserve a healthy, happy relationship with someone who truly loves you — and more than that, loves you well.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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