Revealed! Six things They don’t want you to know!
Conspiracy theories have been around since at least Roman times, when the first beam-blocking helmets were manufactured. I’m sure there are myriad reasons for creating alternate versions of reality, but the most compelling theory is that they allow believers to bring order to their universe. What else can an enterprising zealot do when faced with a mountain of evidence but demand that the real truth remains hidden? Hey, it worked for Scully and Mulder. Also, Oliver Stone.
I enjoy conspiracy theories for the same reason that I always enjoyed the carnival sideshow: I like watching hustlers ply their trade. The elaborate things that a barker does to get you into the tent to see the killer toads of the Amazon isn’t much different than the rap a 9/11 debunker might give you. The big difference is the stakes.
See, when I pony up my buck to see a bullfrog in a circus tent all that’s at risk is my money. Similarly, there’s nothing on the line but a few minutes of time when I listen to elaborate explanations of how the Moon landing was a hoax, or how it wasn’t but we were told by aliens never to return. I’ve always wondered what would happen if you put those two conspiracy camps in the same room.
But some conspiracy theories are dangerous. When pseudoscience and conjecture are used to whip up hatred for a group or individual, or to encourage apathy where action is needed, well, then we’ve crossed the line from bullfrog in a circus tent into something much darker. Don’t take my word for it: look up Gene Rosen, a decent person who did the right thing after the Sandy Hook shooting only to be rewarded with conspiracy theorist harassment. Or ask one of the polar bears treading water in the Arctic.
What makes conspiracy theories so seductive is the human predisposition to find patterns in things, whether it’s Jesus toast or canals on Mars. It’s this same impulse that attorneys exploit to create a reasonable doubt. There’s not a lot of distance between “Twinkies made him do it” and “fluoridated water gave Johnny ADHD.” If the glove doesn’t fit, it must be a conspiracy.
So which of the following are bullfrogs and which are poisonous? Which are crazy conspiracy theories and which are hidden truths waiting to be revealed? I’d love to tell you but they won’t let me, so you’re going to have to tell me. Okay, get your Youtubin’ fingers ready, here we go:
1) The Government Did It
Governments are frequent targets for conspiracy theorists because governments do a lot of inexplicably weird stuff. Add in a lack of transparency and you have a perfect conspiracy theory storm: FDR knew about Pearl Harbor in advance; 9/11 was an elaborate plot to trigger war; Sandy Hook and Aurora were carried out so that Obama can have your guns; the Birther movement; Area 51. On and on.
2) The Scientists Did It
AIDS was a government plot to control population; climate change is a hoax; the Moon landing never happened; they are keeping the aliens from us.
3) The Aliens Did It
Aliens built the Pyramids and Stonehenge. The greatest minds in human history weren’t human at all—aliens! The lizard people are among us. Aliens populate the Moon and demanded that we never return.
4) The Media Did It
“Such and such happened, but you’ll never hear about it because the mainstream media doesn’t want you to know.” Spoiler alert: The mainstream media wants to sell advertising space. If aliens ever land and take away the guns so that Beyonce can marry Elvis and control the Middle East, you’ll see the news everywhere.
5) The Secret Cabal Did It
The big players in this space are the Freemasons, the Illuminati, and the religious or ethnic group of your choosing. They control everything, pull all the strings, make all the decisions, and have all the money. My personal favorite: The Illuminati took out Michael Jackson because he was becoming an embarrassment and a liability. Becoming? Missed that one by a couple-a-twenty years, didn’t you, guys?
Maybe there’s something to this “secret cabal” thing. If nothing else, it explains the popularity of Nickelback.
6) The Celebrities Did It
Well now of course the celebrities are working on behalf of the secret societies—that’s how they became celebrities—so let’s set that aside. No, the real action among celebrities is the faked deaths: Elvis, Kurt, Jim Morrison. Or they were murdered. Or they faked their murders. Or they were murdered after they faked their murders. Note: Marilyn’s death cross pollinates with The Government Did It, but I figured I’d keep her down here with her people.
So what are your favorite conspiracy theories? Leave me a comment and let me know. And please accept my apology: I know that this hasn’t been my finest piece. I blame the government.
—modified photo Paradigm / Flickr Creative Commons
Good men project… what is happening to you? What is the merit of publishing this loosely tied together rant against unconventional thinking? What am I to take away from this. Are you really hurting for content that badly? Stick to your morals of inclusiveness and open forum for unconventional thinkers.
It’s easier to believe in conspiracies when the real reasons are greed, stupidity or incompetence.
this reads to me a little like intellectually lazy behaviour, this bashing of ‘conspiracy theory’. Did you ever wonder how and why those two words became combined in the first place? I volunteer the idea that it first appeared as a slur against people who asked questions of the official report into JFK’s killing. It is false logic (as far as my limited study reaches) to suppose that all conspiracy is theoretical merely because a number of theoretical conspiracies are whack. Guilt by association springs to mind. As far as i can discern, conspiracy abounds (actual and factual conspiracy) and… Read more »
Advertising! It turns otherwise rational individuals into mindless lemmings, completely removing the power of choice. If the Photoshopped models aren’t going to compel you to rush out and buy the product, the subliminal messages will certainly take care of it. I work in advertising, but before I got into the field, I actually attended a lecture at the University of Washington about subliminal advertising (breasts in the ice cubes, the words “buy now” cleverly incorporated into a product label) and I remember the speaker emphatically stating, “Nothing in an ad is ever there by mistake.” Ha! The idea that advertising… Read more »
Canada’s former minister of National Defence Paul Hellyer testified at the Citizen Hearing On Disclosure (CHD) last month in Washington D.C. that aliens are living among us and that it is likely at least two of them are working with the U.S. government:
http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2013/06/05/paul-hellyer-aliens-ufos-video_n_3390295.html
Doesnt anyone else find it disturbing that a website promoting conversation and “good men” is running an article that is essentially mocking a marginalized group (the mentally ill)?
There is one aspect to being human that is both grand and tragic: We can talk ourselves into believing itin anything.
Obviously they don’t like the message on NatGeo’s ‘Your Bleeped Up Brain’.
The human mind will create an explanation for any situation where an explanation is not readily available. Basically, human nature cannot relate well with ambiguity.
Simpsons did it! Simpsons did it!
1. The government did it through sheer incompetence
2. A scientist thought something was really cool but didn’t think through it’s affect
3. Nut jobs don’t understand points 1 and 2
4. Someone gave a person from point 3 a pen
5. Greedy people are known for their ability to co-operate over long time frames
6. Someone gave a person from point 3 a camera
If global warming is a hoax, then it’s an amazingly successful one. It has some extremely conservative people believing in it. If it’s a leftist environmentalist hoax, then it is politically by FAR the most successful thing the left has EVER done. The Pentagon, hardly a bastion of mushy headed leftists, believes it’s real. The DoD has drawn up contingency plans and national security forecasting on the basis of climate change scenarios. Real estate developers, hardly the most environmentally conscious people, believe it’s real. Rich, loyal GOP conservatives with enough money to buy beachfront property are acting like the seas… Read more »
Ummm, as I sit in my house outside Chicago, slowly running my water in all my faucets so the pipes don’t freeze from -10 temps, -30 wind chill factors, schools being closed for the second day in a row, a dog that will hardly stay outside long enough to take a poop …. I have to wonder about global warming.
Ah, but 300 years ago it would have been -13 instead of -10. See the enormous difference?
They also have a contingency plan for the Zombie Apocalypse.
It’s stupid when people talk about “the moon landing” as a single thing. There were several moon landings. If anyone claims there’s a hoax involved, then he should say THEY were faked, not IT was faked.
With the “fake moon landing” argument, I’ve always wondered where the conspiracy theorists draw the line. Like, explain how much of the NASA missions are real and how much are fake. Did NASA circle the moon but not land? Did NASA never leave Earth orbit? Is the entire space program a hoax and people have never been in orbit?
The important thing here is that we all agree that the lizard people on the Moon are absolutely real.
Okay, but the “black helicopters” are a myth. The UN blueberry invaders are using stealth helicopters that are totally invisible and completely silent. Have you seen them or heard them? No? There’s your proof right there.
Foil hats have never worked. For one thing, the NSA and CIA can plant ideas in your mind with aerosolized nanobots that go in your breathing passages. For another thing, the fluoride in the water supply nullifies the effect of tinfoil. That was the whole point in putting fluoride in the water in the first place.
Ya see, everyone expects “foil hats” and that’s the problem … Duhhhh. It’s copper that you need to use. That’s why copper is so expensive and so many are stealing it.
And before I forget, be weary of people who have “copper buttons” on their clothes! Don’t trust them … that’s all I can say …. a word to the wise, okay? Oh oh oh …. and how come the government was to eliminate the penny? hmmmm?
Okay, I was joking about the copper thing but I’ll be damned, I found this on google “In the Copper Age, Nimrod was a Mesopotamian role while Osiris was an Egyptian role. The role of Nimrod (in respect of being a builder) was also used, based on the immortal role of Osiris (as Lord of the Underworld). The role of Nimrod and Osiris developed based on the role that Enki and those in his line have to play. Solomon’s Temple in Jerusalem is connected to the Great Pyramid and Nimrod through Enki and those in his line”
Now you’re just creating disinformation to discourage people from using copper. Who are you working for? : – )
(I hope you realize, and this is actually true, that the penny has significantly less copper in it today than it did in the past, beginning with minting changes in the 1980’s. Much of it has been replaced by zinc. So, getting rid of the penny takes less copper out of circulation than you might think.)
Yeah, Tom, how long have you been in the pocket of Big Copper????
Any copper is good copper! …… Shhhh, I didn’t say that. “I hope you realize, and this is actually true, that the penny has significantly less copper in it today than it did in the past” Yeah, that’s what THEY want you to believe. oops, I didn’t say that either.
Guys, do me a favor, if all of a sudden you don’t see me posting …. you’ll know why.
There’s also danger in going too far in the other direction, in refusing to see any evidence of small numbers of extremely powerful people. There’s some pretty irrefutable evidence of a sordid history of the US government up to all sorts of devious tricks and massive cover-ups. There are plenty of well-documented cases that require absolutely no feats of imagination. You could make three full seasons of The X-Files based solely on actual declassified documents – MKULTRA experiments using LSD on private citizens, the feds downplaying the existence of atomic radiation, plans to assassinate Castro with an exploding cigar, etc.… Read more »
Well, the biggest one for me is “THE PATRIARCHY”, you know that all men all the time are looking to oppress women all the time.
Wow dude. Stay classy. I mean…on topic…
LOL – perfect. The “Patriarchy” is really a bunch of hen pecked men working 100 hours a week paying huge alimony and child support – and trying to please some new gold digger who is pumping for all he is worth.