Safe people allow you to be your authentic self and leave no room for judgment.
Safe people make you feel internally relaxed and comfortable enough to let your guard down.
Safe people are open, honest, and vulnerable, and are genuinely interested in building an authentic connection with you, where mutual trust, affection, and respect are core components.
If you’re looking for a partner who is genuinely (and will make you feel) emotionally safe, here are six of their undeniable traits that might help you spot them.
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1. They Practice Open and Transparent Communication
“Communication is essential to expressing needs and wants, and to discussing boundaries — all of which are healthy elements of a relationship.” — Kaytee Gillis, LCSW-BACS, PsychologyToday
Open communication is key to a healthy relationship.
That’s something everyone knows, but few people actually practice it.
There’s this toxic idea floating in individuals’ minds that the “right” partner should know how you feel without you telling them and therefore, react accordingly.
A person capable of making you feel emotionally safe will know that it’s absolutely not possible to read your partner’s mind, even if you’ve been together for years.
They’ll practice open and transparent communication by being direct and honest in communicating their feelings to you. They’ll make sure their communication is clear and consistent and won’t shy away from expressing their inner thoughts to you.
It’s less about being honest and more about knowing what they want and sharing their needs with confidence. It’s less about having communication skills and more about being aware that a person’s feelings and needs are susceptible to change — and thus, should always be communicated.
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2. They Honor Your Boundaries
“Having boundaries means honoring ourselves as a separate individual with needs and wants that often differ from others. Without healthy boundaries, we allow others to override our own feelings and desires.” — John Amodeo, Ph.D., MFT, PsychologyToday
Establishing physical and emotional boundaries in relationships is important in order to have balance, mutual respect, and emotional safety between the people involved.
Boundaries come in many forms and differ from person to person. Some might look like this:
- Saying no to something your partner asks you to do, even if your refusal upsets your partner.
- Creating your own identity outside of your relationship.
- Asking for personal space and time alone.
Someone honoring your boundaries is a great sign they’ll make you feel safe in the long run. Safe partners will happily discuss, accept, and respect your boundaries (and of course, expect you to do the same with theirs).
They will be understanding of the fact that sometimes you might need some extra space and time for yourself and won’t act intrusive or dismissive.
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3. They Allow You to Be Yourself
“But some requests for changes are unreasonable, and possibly irrational. For example, asking your partner to change some aspect of their personality, or how they dress, or how they express themselves. And some requests are simply an attempt to control or manipulate our partner.” — Rob Pascale, Ph.D & Louis H. Primavera, Ph.D, PsychologyToday
Finding a partner who satisfies all of our criteria is next to impossible. We all have our flaws and quirks so it stands to reason that there are always gonna be some things you don’t particularly like about your partner.
The important thing is to not fall into the trap of trying to change your partner — or staying with a partner that tries to change you.
A safe partner will accept both your good and your bad side. They will embrace your flaws and love you for who you are — not who they want you to be.
They will encourage you to express your thoughts, will be interested in learning your views, and won’t dismiss your ideas — even if they don’t particularly share them.
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4. They Don’t Compare You To Their Ex, Their Mother, or Their Friend’s Friend’s Partner
“There is an old saying that goes “Comparison is the thief of joy.” This phrase has been around for decades, and for good reason. The moment you start comparing your partner to another relationship is the moment you choose to be unhappy.” — Rachael Pace, PsychAlive
Someone once compared me to our neighbor’s girlfriend. Whom they had never met. Or seen (neither had I, for the record). All it took was a conversation with our neighbor for that person to form an image of said girlfriend in their mind and feel compelled to compare me to her.
That someone was far from a safe person.
In order to feel emotionally safe with a partner, they should respect you enough and have the necessary level of emotional intelligence to understand that under no circumstances should they compare you to other people.
That’s not to say that a safe person should regard you as a perfect human being. But they should focus on your positive qualities instead of the things you lack ( that their previous partner, mother, or ex’s friend had).
People can be great in entirely different ways. That’s something an emotionally safe person should acknowledge.
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5. They Don’t Create Drama in Their Relationship
“People who seem to thrive in with constant drama often have trouble maintaining long-term relationships. As time goes on no amount of charisma can offset the frustration and exhaustion that is created by the drama queen’s hectic and stressful behavior.” — Kurt Smith, PsyD, LMFT, LPCC, AFC, PsychCentral
Some people just need to have drama in their relationships.
I remember a friend of mine once told me that she finds drama-free relationships boring and that tension and arguing make up for the passion in a relationship.
I also remember biting my tongue to keep myself from letting her know how toxic this mindset can be and that people who are genuinely safe would never purposefully create drama with their partner.
When it comes to the outside world, that essentially means not getting involved in gossip, not creating conflict, and minding your own business.
When it comes to their own relationship, that means dealing with conflict in a healthy way, not provoking you for “fun” (e.g., flirting with other people in order to make you jealous), and resolving any problems that arise in the most gentle and effective manner possible.
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6. They Don’t Keep Score
“Couples who constantly keep score, measuring deviations from expected performance, set themselves up for a host of bad feelings and unpleasant exchanges.” — Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D., ABPP, PsychologyToday
Bringing up the past in every argument, complaining about things you did in the past, saying things like “I might have made X mistake, but you’re the one who made Y mistake in the past” — that’s the way someone who keeps a relationship scoreboard acts.
Safe people, however, know that keeping score in a relationship doesn’t work in favor of its stability or success.
They don’t hold resentment over mistakes made in the past and certainly don’t bring up everything that you did wrong throughout the course of your relationship.
Instead, they understand that being human means you’re bound to screw things up every once in a while and give you the space to make up for your mistakes, without adding unnecessary judgment and tension.
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Bite-Sized Safe vs Unsafe Comparisons
Based on the arguments analyzed above, here are some simple, bite-sized comparisons that can help you distinguish between safe and unsafe partners.
Safe: Your partner communicates openly with you, shares their feelings with confidence, and makes their needs clear to you.
Unsafe: Your partner isn’t clear about their feelings with you, expects you to read their mind, and lease you constantly in limbo.
Safe: Your partner respects your boundaries, accepts your decisions and needs, and gives you the space and time you need for yourself.
Unsafe: Your partner violates your boundaries, doesn’t take “no” for an answer, and wants you to be with them 24/7.
Safe: Your partner loves you for who you are, accepts your flaws and weaknesses, and helps you grow as a person instead of judging you for your shortfalls.
Unsafe: Your partner doesn’t give you the space to be yourself, dismisses your ideas and opinions, and tries to persuade you to adopt their beliefs/views.
Safe: Your partner never compares you to other people, and focuses on your positive qualities instead of the things you lack.
Unsafe: Your partner constantly makes comparisons between you and random people, seems to focus on the physical qualities or skills you lack, and makes you feel like everyone is better than you.
Safe: Your partner keeps your relationship drama-free, deals with conflict in a healthy way, and avoids unnecessary tension.
Unsafe: Your partner welcomes drama in your relationship, starts meaningless arguments, and believes that calm & safe = boring.
Safe: Your partner forgives you for your mistakes, doesn’t dwell on the past, and doesn’t expect you to be perfect all the time.
Unsafe: Your partner keeps a relationship scoreboard, doesn’t truly forget your mistakes, and holds onto feelings of resentment and disappointment over things done in the past.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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