It’s not all about you! …Or is it?
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“You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
Life is extra painful when you take things personally. It’s only natural to assume that others are thinking about and responding to you much of the time. This doesn’t mean you’re narcissistic or selfish. It’s a common thinking error that leads to taking things personally when they aren’t. The good news is that what other people say or do isn’t really about you! You can learn to untangle your thinking and stop taking things so personally.
People who take things personally tend to make these three assumptions:
1) Others are thinking about them all the time.
2) Other people’s thoughts about them are nearly all negative and judgmental.
3) Others are intentionally hurtful or the world is against them.
They assume that if someone says something negative to them, it’s because they’ve done something wrong, offensive, or stupid. Seriously, people aren’t thinking about you as much as you think. We are all busy thinking about and responding to our own internal realities.
Let’s consider an example. Joe texts Mary, the woman he recently started seeing: “Want to grab dinner tonight?” He doesn’t hear back for two hours and when he does her answer seems curt: “No”. Joe feels hurt and anxious, thinking Mary’s blowing him off because he’s boring. He texts Mary incessantly and when he finally reaches her, he yells at her for being thoughtless. Mary, in turn, snaps that he’s controlling and hangs up.
- Consider other possible explanations. Joe has jumped to a conclusion and assigned meaning to Mary’s behavior without knowing the real reasons for her delayed, curt response. Notice when you are jumping to conclusions (especially negative conclusions) and consider alternate explanations. Perhaps Mary was very busy at work. Perhaps Mary just got a speeding ticket and is in a bad mood about that. The possibilities go on and on. Remember, it’s not all about you! And the only way to find out is to step away from your personal hurt in order to ask some questions and offer the benefit of the doubt.
- Our words and behaviors are reflections of us, not the person they are directed at. Mary’s delayed response doesn’t mean that she’s unimpressed with Joe and thinks he’s boring. Those are Joe’s insecurities that he’s projecting onto Mary. Likewise, Joe’s yelling doesn’t mean that Mary is thoughtless. It only means that Joe lost his temper. It’s a reflection of Joe’s hurt and fear. When someone treats you poorly, it doesn’t mean anything about you. That can be hard to accept if you’re in the habit of believing all the negative things people tell you.
- Stop telling your victim story. The more you tell yourself and others how unfair life is or how you’ve been mistreated, the more you reinforce this negative thinking. When you focus on the negative like this, you give it strength and power.
- You aren’t the only one this has happened to. You aren’t the only one who’s been slighted by a lover or flipped off by an angry driver. So, why are you taking it personally? Joe’s able to not take Mary’s behavior personally when he remembers that her friends complain that she never texts them back, too. But even if he didn’t know this, it would be helpful to remember that he isn’t the only man whose girlfriend hasn’t responded for two hours.
- Others are usually not trying to hurt you. Yes, things still hurt even when there was no ill intent. But, it’s easier to not take it personally when you realize most of the time people are not intentionally targeting you. Sometimes people are simply tired, busy, hungry, or frustrated about something else. Again, it’s not usually about you even when it’s directed at you. Understanding this allows you to treat others with more compassion.
- You can’t please everyone. Some people aren’t going to like you or what you do no matter what. You can’t control what others think of you (and you shouldn’t try to). Only what you think of yourself matters.
Not taking it personally doesn’t condone mistreatment.
Joe shouldn’t just ignore his feelings or the way Mary didn’t respond for two hours. When he steps out of taking it personally, he can calmly ask Mary about her response. He probably wouldn’t have yelled at her and escalated the problem. Ideally, Joe would be able to share how he experienced Mary’s delay in answering his invitation, Mary could clarify why she behaved this way, and they could agree on shared expectations about how they communicate.
These things all happen more easily when you don’t take things personally. Like any other change, this will take practice.
Be patient and gentle with yourself and soon you will begin to notice opportunities to think differently and not take things personally.
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This post was first published on SharonMartinCounseling.com and is republished on Medium.
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Read Sharon Martin’s column every week here on The Good Men Project!
And thank you for sharing this.
This is great! I agree that making those assumptions Sally contribute to negative thinking! Such great information Sharon!