Love changes us. Love makes us human. — Hello Love
We assume others show love in the same way that we do. And if they do not, we worry they do not love us.
I am an avid reader. When I first read the best-selling novel the 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman, I was a naive teenager who was skeptical about everything concerning love.
I thought people who claimed to feel butterflies in their stomach because of love were pretentious. I thought people mistook infatuation and lust for being in love. I thought love was best experienced purely platonic — non-judgemental, and without expectations to become anything more.
I now understand what it means to be in love. I understand the difference between loving someone and being in love with them. I know how to look out for the signs that my partner is madly in love with me. Most important, I have learned how to love beyond the 5 love languages the book shared.
Recently, my partner read a revised version of the book that is targeted at men and he kept sharing his eureka moments. He suddenly made sense of why I was more excited when he wrote me a simple or cute poem than when he did something exceptionally nice for me.
My top language is words of affirmation.
What is your own and your partner’s love language?
***
According to this journal, language is what makes us human. It is how people communicate.
The journal, which is published in the US National Library of Medicine and National Institutes of Health, goes on to say that by learning a language, it means you have mastered a complex system of words, structure, and grammar to effectively communicate with others.
In love, as in any meaningful human connection, communication is essential. However, it would be difficult to communicate effectively with someone with whom you speak entirely different languages.
We all experience love differently. When we are with someone we love, we want them to be able to speak our love language. That is how we feel seen, heard, and loved.
Similarly, you should learn to speak your partner’s love language if you want to keep falling in love with each other.
Life is not about just loving for your sake. It is also about loving well for your partner’s sake.
***
Today, I want to share seven love languages. 5 are an adaptation from the book by Gary Chapman, 2 are my own whose importance I have come to really appreciate and whose essence defines what love means to me.
May you recognize yourself or your partner in the paragraphs below and strategize on how to love them better.
1. Acts of Service
When I was younger, my mum would prepare my siblings and me a sumptuous breakfast before we left for school. Before she left for work, she would chop up bits of watermelon and leave them in the refrigerator for my father to enjoy before he left home. She would spend hours cleaning, going to the grocery store, cleaning their cars, etc. That was her way of showing love and affection — acts of service.
With your partner, the love language acts of service is one that best presents as doing something for them that you know they would like. For example, watering your partner’s plants, cooking them a nice meal, taking the dog for a walk, doing the laundry; in a nutshell giving up your time to be of service to your partner.
It can be exhausting and time-consuming giving love through acts of service but it is usually worth the effort if it is your partner’s love language.
Magic Words: Let me do that for you!
Never get tired of doing little things for your partner. Sometimes those little acts of service occupy the largest part of their hearts.
***
2. Words of Affirmation
Words of affirmation are any spoken or written words that confirm, support, uplift, and empathize with another person in a positive manner.
Does your partner place an unusual amount of significance on the spoken and written word? If they get a thrill when you demonstrate sweet expressions of appreciation, compliments, gratitude, and encouragement, it’s likely that their primary love language is words of affirmation.
Words of affirmation might be one of their dominant love languages.
Being dominant in this language, I know the healing power of words from your partner when you are hurting. The elation that comes from a note left just for you. How you reread every note or letter he ever wrote and how cherished your letterbox.
If your partner is dominant in this language, be more vocal about the positive aspects you want to highlight about them. Your relationship will thrive as a result. Compliment your partner often, express your feelings verbally, tell them how awesome they are, and how grateful you are to have them in your life.
Sometimes, words speak louder than actions.
Words are so powerful. They can heal or break a heart. They can liberate a soul or shame it. They can energize dreams or shatter them. They can invite connection or obstruct it. They can melt defenses or create them. We have to use our words for love.
***
3. Quality Time
The greatest gift you can give someone is that of your time. Because when you give your time away to someone, that is something you can never get back.
If your partner’s love language is time, they will thrive off of spending time. You could be engaged in activities that you both really enjoy, or you could watch a movie, or do a lot of nothing.
What matters is that you spend time with each other with minimal distractions from the outside world. Life is not a matter of milestones, but of multitudes of moments.
Give your partner your full, undivided attention.
Spend quality time with those you love. One of these days you will either say “I wish I had” or “I am glad I did” .
— Zig Ziglar
***
4. Physical Touch
If your partner is dominant in the love language of physical touch, physical presence and accessibility are very important.
This language exhibits through the love of hugs and cuddles, pats on the back, holding hands, kissing, playing with their hair, tapping them as you walk by, massage, any reassuring touch, and just being close to your partner as much as possible.
Give your partner as much physical contact as you can. Avoid neglecting them or subjecting them to abuse of any kind.
Always grant your partner a touch of your love through the skin to skin contact.
Cuddling is more effective than sleeping pills when it comes to achieving a good night’s rest.
***
5. Receiving gifts
This language is usually mistaken with materialism. It should not be. If your partner’s dominant love language is receiving gifts, you should make effort to give them gifts often.
Your partner thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. Gifts and gestures make your partner feel loved, valued, and cared for. Your partner enjoys the thoughtfulness and effort behind a visual representation of love.
The best gifts are always the ones that are most meaningful. If you struggle to get a gift for your partner, ask their friends and family to guide you on what you should get.
The gifts do not have to be extravagant.
It is the thought (and actual gifting) that counts.
Some gifts are big. Others are small. But the ones that come from the heart are the best gifts of all.
— Tinku Razoria
***
6. Love and Affection
I am always surprised that this is not a stand-alone love language on its own in the book.
You should be in relationship where you feel loved by your partner, and where there is affection between the two of you; or amongst all of you if you are polyamorous.
I have a friend who believes expressing love and affection towards his partner makes him look weak to his peers.
On the contrary, when you do something with sincere affection, you should always celebrate it. Everything born of the heart is blessed.
Love is never lost. It flows and softens, and purifies the heart.
“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” — Lao Tzu
***
7. Communication
I used to struggle with communicating with my partner whenever I’d feel hurt. It seemed like he should know how he hurt me and automatically make amends. And it would always bring a strain to our relationship because I would give him the cold shoulder until I felt better.
This is not right. When you shut your partner out and do not clearly communicate your needs, you increase the chances of losing each other. There are various modes of communication and when you love someone you make effort to use them to improve your relationship.
Allow yourself the opportunity to fall in love, and to grow in love with your partner. It is possible that we all have all the love languages within us to varying degrees. Understanding your own needs and those of your partner will help you establish a more loving relationship.
If you invest in your relationship, and keep your communication clear, and love your partner in the ways they feel loved, and let your partner know in what languages you feel loved — you are well on your way to keep falling in love with each other until the end of time.
You don’t have to speak the same love language to have a lasting, fulfilling relationship. You just have to know how to communicate your needs with your partner, whatever those may be.
Communication is a key component of every healthy relationship and it’s especially important if you wish to achieve a long-lasting relationship with your spouse — or with any loved one.
***
What are you thoughts?
Remember that nobody is a professional at this love thing — at least not in giving the tiny details of how you should love your partner. We are all just figuring it out as we go along.
When you find your person, invest in getting to know each other and loving them with all your being; capitalizing on their top most love languages. And I hope your efforts are always reciprocated.
I wish you loads of love and happiness in your relationships.
What other “love languages” would make this list more wholesome?
—
This post was previously published on Medium.com.
***
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project and want a deeper connection with our community, please join us as a Premium Member today.
Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS. Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: Briona Baker on Unsplash