There are two types of people when it comes to dating and relationships:
Those who are disappointed, feeling like failures and losers in the dating department, and those who don’t seem to struggle hard to attract, date, and land romantic relationships with high-quality partners.
With more opportunities to meet people from all walks of life and the evolution that has come with recent developments and modern society, it’s still possible to have and enjoy satisfying dating life and relationships.
If, and only if, you have the right mindset that’ll ensure you don’t feel disillusioned with dating due to countless failures and disappointments.
1. Believe that finding love awaits you
Regardless of how many times you’ve been disappointed in the past or why you might be currently feeling disillusioned with dating, your belief or disbelief in your ability to find love will either transform your situation or leave you in it forever.
The belief that love awaits you can in some ways, make you more attractive to potential partners and increase your chances of forming meaningful relationships with them.
If you believe in your worthiness and ability to attract a partner, you’ll be able to approach dating with greater confidence and self-assurance.
If you’re able to approach dating with great confidence and self-assurance, you’ll also approach it with clarity and a sense of purpose toward what you want so that you can identify potential partners who are a good match for you.
And in the same way, when you’re able to approach dating with great confidence and self-assurance, you can easily take risks and put yourself out there in the dating world, which will also make you attractive to the right people.
If you want to succeed at something, your mindset shouldn’t be in the way. It’ll be almost impossible to achieve what you don’t believe you’ll achieve.
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2. Become independent and have a life that isn’t dependent on your relationship status
If you ask me, I believe the essence of life is to lead a happy life where you don’t NEED anything to be happy.
If you’re currently feeling disillusioned with dating, you’re PROBABLY doing the direct opposite:
You’re living a life where you NEED to be in a relationship to be happy and fulfilled.
Dating, relationships, and even life, in general, will be a lot easier for you to navigate if you stop tying your happiness to external factors like your relationship status.
Otherwise, you’d be letting the ridiculous idea of ‘you complete me’ (that has been ingrained in this generation’s upbringing thanks to the movies and the media) mislead you into disappointment and frustration.
I see so many people who act and behave as if they’ll only experience pleasure, contentment, serenity, inner peace, and positive self-esteem when they’re in a relationship.
And I get it.
Being in a romantic relationship has been scientifically shown to be one of the best predictors of happiness.
But the harsh truth is, living a life where your happiness is dependent on your relationship status is more or less like depending on someone else to validate your existence.
To win in the dating and relationship department, you need to have a life that’s not solely defined by your relationship status.
You need to realize the importance of self-reliance and self-fulfillment, which can lead to greater happiness and well-being.
And most importantly, you need to have a great self-relationship so that you can feel happy and fulfilled on your own, instead of needing to be in a relationship to be happy.
Nobody will find you attractive when all you do is act and behave in ways that reek of a needy vibe that makes you come across as insecure and uninteresting.
Because being happy on your own will not only make you more attractive to prospective partners.
But it will also increase your chances of succeeding in the dating and relationship department since it’ll make you more emotionally stable, help you communicate more clearly, and exude positive energy.
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3. Understand the difference between making someone fall for you & attracting them. Choose the former over the later
If you’re often fixated on achieving certain outcomes in all your dating endeavors, you’ll be more inclined to always act out of neediness and try to make your love interests fall for you.
A typical example of what I’m saying is a man who’s simply consumed by his desire to be liked or loved in return by the women he’s hitting on which forces him into being an inauthentic nice guy.
The innocent hope that the feelings one harbor for a love interest will be reciprocated is not inherently wrong. In fact, it’s normal.
But when you’re so bent on getting 100 percent reciprocity in likeness and affection from everyone you’re romantically interested in, you’ll most likely act like someone who’s got no other choices, which is one of the most unattractive things on earth.
That’s why I believe that the difference between people who are seamlessly attractive and are successful in the dating department and the rest is that they don’t tie their self-worth and values to what a love interest thinks of them.
Hence, they don’t often come across as desperate to love interests, since they don’t also mind rejections.
As a more specific example, these people don’t fall for the deceit of pick-up gurus and their articles, videos, and books promising “magical” tips and tricks to make someone fall head over heels in love with them.
There’s nothing worse than adding a lot of bs to your personality just to make sure a love interest likes you in return.
Yet, most people create their frustration and failures with dating because they fail to let the chips fall where they may while being their quirky and unique selves.
And the truth is, the opposite is the surest path to dating success.
Because the right people will not fail to notice how amazing, interesting, and lovable you are if you often let the chips fall where they may and be yourself.
So quit trying to make someone fall for you and learn to always let the chips fall where they may.
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4. Find love in what you really need
For me, dating success is a game of intentions.
You might not be able to avoid falling into a vicious cycle where you find yourself swimming in a pool of the same types of terrible relationships and partners if you aren’t intentional about what you really want in a relationship or partner.
That’s why you should approach dating with the mindset that you’re looking for someone whose values and goals align with yours — so that you’ll be less likely to settle for someone who doesn’t meet your needs.
You’ll need to take a break from dating for a while if all you’ve been doing is ending up with partners who don’t bring you joy and happiness.
So you can reflect on what your needs are without the pressure of finding someone.
Identify your own values. Do you value loyalty, honesty, and commitment? Or do you value popularity, success, and wealth?
Understanding what you value can help you identify what you want in a partner.
Once you have a clear understanding of what your priorities are in a partner or relationship, you’ll be more likely to communicate your needs and boundaries to potential partners.
And by so doing, you can easily screen out those who wouldn’t make a good match for you so you won’t waste a considerable amount of your time trying to force a wrong relationship to work.
And at the end of the day, you’ll stand a better chance of reaching greater fulfillment and satisfaction in your dating life since you’ll be more likely to end up with someone who will meet your needs and treat you like you deserve.
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5. Be consistent with your own expectations and values
A few years ago, I thought of myself as someone who’s self-aware enough to know what he wants or expects of a partner.
Because I intuitively knew that if I have a clear view and understanding of what I wanted in a partner, I’ll be more likely to attract the right people. The previous point somehow suggests so too, and it’s true.
But to be honest, I had a hard time attracting people with the qualities I wanted in a partner. Do you know why?
Well, I now know that I wasn’t self-aware enough since I wasn’t living up to my own expectations of what an ideal partner and a healthy relationship should be.
And the truth is, attracting your ‘type’ or ‘dream partner’ will be 99.99% easier when you reflect or live out what you seek and are consistent with your own values and expectations.
Hence, if you expect honesty, loyalty, communication, etc, in a partner, then you should hold yourself accountable and ensure you’re honest and transparent in your actions and communication just as you’re loyal to your values and commitments.
In the same way, if your idea of an ideal partner is someone physically fit, self-driven, and well-mannered but you’re far from any of these, you’re only being hypocritical and self-deceptive.
But if you’re living up to the same standards you have for potential partners, you’ll stand a better chance of attracting and maintaining healthier relationships.
Because it’ll mean that you share the same values and expectations with that person, which will, in turn, create a foundation of mutual respect and trust, which is essential for a healthy relationship.
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6. Don’t be the person who lives out of sync with their words
Would you rather go for a partner who would make you feel anything but important and valued as a result of their never-ending failures to follow through on their promises, consistent flaking, or white-lying over one that’s reliable?
Me neither.
Many people often pay little attention to the importance of reliability and dependability when it comes to dating success or failure.
And even though it’s true that most people do so without even realizing it, it’s certainly one of the many ways we rob ourselves of strong foundations for attracting, building, and maintaining real and lasting connections based on trust, respect, and mutual understanding.
Telling some ‘harmless’ white lies, failing to keep little commitments like promising to call or text at a particular time, subtly acting in ways that contradict your words, and even canceling plans because something else came up might just be proof of how you’re imperfect as a human.
Yeah, we’re all imperfect.
However, if they become more or less like consistent habits for you, it’ll certainly make potential partners and partners feel like they cannot rely on you, and that you don’t respect their time or feelings.
Living in sync with your words and actions won’t only mean you’re reliable.
It’ll also make people feel important and valued since it means you’ll often follow through on your promises. You’ll never flake on them. And you won’t often tell ‘white lies’ to them.
I wouldn’t want to commit to someone who I can’t trust with their words. Instead, I will always prefer someone who WOULDN’T make me feel like they like or love me one day and act in ways that completely prove the opposite the next day.
Well, irrespective of whether you’re a man or woman, the same is also true for most people you’ll ever be attracted to in life.
However, being reliable enough to always align your words with your actions will not only communicate your sensitivity and self-awareness,
But will also show how thoughtful and (potentially) loving of a partner you are that you care about not disappointing your love interests.
Because only some insecure people will be willing to accept and put up with a relationship where they’ll endlessly rationalize and make up excuses for their partner’s unthoughtful inconsistencies.
So living a life of integrity in this sense, can increase your dating options and success even.
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7. You don’t have to rush through things
When I finally got tired of how my dating and love life had turned out to be nothing but disappointing until 2017, I didn’t realize how much my strong urge to rush through things and reach certain ‘finish lines’ with potential partners or partners was hurting my dating and love life.
Inspired by love, desires, and even insecurities, I used to try my possible best to rush through the dating process for example, towards some preconceived conclusions (making things official, being exclusive, having first sex, etc,) before my potential partner will run away.
But over the years, I’ve learned to be always present and cozy either during the dating process or even in a committed relationship.
Yeah, there’s nothing inherently wrong to hope for certain outcomes or reaching certain milestones with someone you love and want to be with (for the rest of your life even).
But if you often go into relationships with the mindset that you need to become exclusive, get under the sheets, get married, buy a home, or build a family as soon as possible, you’ll most likely be setting yourself up for disappointment.
My urge to rush through things when it comes to romantic relationships made me have unrealistic expectations and I most times, found myself in relationships with deep-seated incompatibility because I often overlooked important factors such as compatibility, shared values, and interests.
You’ll be more likely to have it hard attracting and landing romantic relationships with people you’re interested in when you often rush through dating as I did in the past.
Because almost all the people you’ll show romantic interest in will only feel pressured by the way you rush through things.
You’re simply disrespecting their boundaries as you’re in many ways, pressuring them to make promises they might not be prepared to make at that particular time.
This might push them away even if they might genuinely be interested in you.
Hence, just because reaching certain milestones with a potential partner or partner is great, doesn’t mean you should push for them in haste as that’s the surest part to ruin things for yourself.
Hell, if you’re too obsessed with achieving certain outcomes with someone, you won’t only lose sight of who you are and who the second party is but you’ll stop valuing and appreciating them.
You’ll also be dehumanizing them since they’ll only be nothing but some ego-romancing milestones to you.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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