Contrary to what perfect Instagram couple’s sell us, love is not all rainbows, candlelit-dinners and fancy proposals. It’s hard work. It’s as time-consuming as a full-time job and as emotionally draining as a household. When you choose to love someone you make them your go-to person and volunteer to become theirs. It’s a big ask, and we all just try and keep with the when’s and how’s of it.
But it doesn’t mean that two well-minded people will find a stable relationship. People are different and it is not their partner’s responsibility to change them. Some times people just don’t fit in with each other and they try to drag it out because they have this unrealistic idea of a perfect relationship imprinted on their conscious. More often than not this itself stains the relationship and makes it toxic.
Here are some questions to figure out if you are a worse-half of such a relationship —
1. Does couples counselling sound intrusive to you or your partner?
I suggested couples counselling to a friend who was struggling in her relationship and she answered: “he doesn’t want others to tell us how to treat each other.” I didn’t push it then but I will push this idea now.
Therapists or couples counsellors are professionals who are literally educated to help people through hard times. If you want a house built right, you go to an architect. You don’t say it’s intrusive that he/she will build my house. Why should this be any different? If you have a problem, then ask for help. Say the words. Work on your relationship.
2. Do you always want to hang-out with each other irrespective of your prior commitments?
Love can be a blinding force. And I get it, we all are in that comfort bubble when we are in love and all we want is to spend our all waking moments with that special someone. But humans are not designed for just one relationship. We are social creatures. We have friends, families, colleagues; we have a village. Because we need a village to compartmentalize our life and emotions. All our energy is not meant for one person or one relationship. Only by balancing your attention equally through your relationships can you achieve a stable love life. Too much of anything is toxic.
A healthy relationship will never require you to sacrifice your friends, your dreams, or your dignity.
3. Do you and your partner collectively hate confrontations?
If half your arguments end in “I don’t want to talk about it.”And then never come out of that box, then you have something to think about. Taking a little space while you are in a heated argument is always recommended but if you just shove it under the rug and never address it then these arguments keep on piling up. And they are bound to explode. Confrontations are never easy or appealing but they are necessary. The only way across is through them.
4. Is your partner not interested in your life?
A person is defined by the people and circumstances around them. To know someone you have to know their occupation, their work habits, their family dynamics, their childhood memories and much more. And if your partner doesn’t seem interested in knowing anything about you and just wants to “hang out” then what’s the point?
No one is asking for an intrusive life partner but how do you plan on spending the life’s best moments with each other if your partner is not even interested to take that extra effort to know you beyond your romantic side.
“Don’t light yourself on fire trying to brighten someone else’s existence.” ― Charlotte Eriksson
5. At any point did you think that physical violence was “acceptable?”
Just NO, any excuse your brain cooked up when you read that question to defend your relationship is not worth it.
NO.
6. Are you the only one making the effort?
Positive reinforcement and evident effort can change the dynamic of a relationship. If you know in your gut that you are the only one who is shifting appointments, and family meetings to get to that date. If you know for a fact that all the love and compromise is coming from your side in this relationship and your partner is not putting in any effort then that should be a sign enough that your relationship has turned toxic.
“No partner in a love relationship… should feel that he has to give up an essential part of himself to make it viable.” ― May Sarton
7. Do you constantly coddle your partner in order to not hurt their feelings?
If you can’t call a spade a spade because you are worried it might hurt his/her feelings then that’s a red flag. Protectiveness is good but everyone has to fight their own battles. You are only enabling them by keeping them from the truth. Speak the hard truth and then help tackle it. Don’t become a conflict-avoidant to save your already damaged relationship.
“Toxic relationships are like good pasta that has been overcooked.” ― Asa Don Brown
I didn’t say it Asa Don Brown did!
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Previously published on medium
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Photo credit: by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash