We all hope for that special relationship where we live in harmony with the one we love. We want a give and take, where we bring out the best in each other. Yet some people are incapable of having a healthy relationship because they feel insecure inside. They try to control their partner to compensate for their own feelings of inferiority. Their controlling ways are often abusive.
According to research estimates, family and domestic violence impact ten million people annually. Yet people are embarrassed and don’t want to talk about it.
I once had a friend I’ll refer to as Erin for privacy reasons. Erin was beautiful and kind and the mother of boys. She had long black hair and deep blue eyes. Her husband knew she was beautiful, and he was mean, possessive, and jealous. He wouldn’t let her wear clothing in the summer that revealed anything. He wouldn’t allow her to shop in the grocery store alone. He accompanied her wherever she went. If any man so much glanced in her direction, he’d fly into a jealous rage.
Erin was afraid to speak up to him. She gave in to whatever he wanted. Forget about afternoon outings or lunches with girlfriends. He didn’t trust her to go out the door without him.
I remember thinking how weird it was. I don’t know if he hit her, Erin never said. But one day, they up and moved out of state. She promised her friends she’d stay in touch, but she never did. We never heard from Erin again. I miss her a lot, and I hope she’s okay.
Do you know someone who has a controlling partner? Here are some signs of it.
They must know where you are at all times
It’s normal to care about your partner and wonder where they’re at. It’s an entirely different thing to monitor their whereabouts by the hour. With a controlling partner, every time you go anywhere you get an interrogation. If you don’t respond right away to a text or call, they’ll come looking for you.
Erin’s husband would embarrass her by showing up unexpectedly when she was with a group of other mothers and demanding that she leave her friends and go home with him right away. We all used to feel so bad for her. He treated her like his possession.
They forbid you to wear certain clothing
A normal partner may suggest you look better in a different outfit, or state their preference for a certain dress you wear. The controlling one takes it to an entirely new level. They insist you wear what they want you to wear. They will outright forbid that you wear certain clothes.
If you wear something revealing they’ll tell you to change into something else. That’s after they berate you for trying to seduce another person wearing clothing like that. They will commandeer your wardrobe.
They’ll demand you wear your hair the way they want. It appears that you exist only to please them.
Erin’s husband insisted she’d keep her hair long and dress the way he wanted. She wasn’t free to have her own opinion about her own style.
They forbid you to talk to others
Their insecurity and jealously are way out of control. This is the person that will punch someone in the face if you so much as to say hello to them. You’ll soon hesitate before you talk to someone who could ignite your partner’s wrath.
Erin’s husband would pick fights with her every time he thought she was flirting. She loved her husband and was only being sociable with others, but her husband took it the wrong way. He threatened any men that went near her.
They control all the money
Controllers will want to control more than their partners. They will often control all the household money. They’ll make their partner feel like a careless child with finances and demand they hand over their paycheck to them. They’ll often be stingy in giving their partner access to any of their own money.
There’s nothing sadder than a grown person having to ask permission from their spouse to get their own money.
They punish you if you don’t comply
If you don’t do as they command, the controlling partner will turn into a block of ice. They’ll give you the silent treatment. Some will get abusive, calling you names, or guilting you for not doing what they want.
It will be hard to deal with. Often it will become so unbearable that the partner will finally give in to keep the peace in their relationship. Ultimately the controller will get what they want.
They make all the major decisions
The controller likes to be in control of numerous aspects of their life, often not considering their partner’s needs.
They want to be in control at all times. They decide where they live, when they have sex, how to furnish the home if they’ll have children, and who the both of them associate with. They control the TV and the music played in their home. They may monitor their partner’s phone calls and activities.
They will isolate you from your friends and family.
You are walking on eggshells with them
Living with a controlling partner can be exhausting. Gradually you will feel smaller and smaller, and it will erode your self-worth.
Erin described it as walking on eggshells to avoid fights all the time. She’d keep the boys out of his way, so he wouldn’t be disturbed by noise. She’d compliment him constantly to keep him happy. Their entire relationship was about his well-being. It was never about her at all.
You don’t have to be treated that way
You shouldn’t have to tolerate living in a home where you have no voice. If you want to leave, you can get help.
Reach out to your family and friends to help you make a plan. Consult with a professional counselor.
If your relationship turns abusive there are resources available to help.
The national domestic violence hotline is 1–800–799–7233.
To this day, I wonder how Erin is. I hope she got the courage to get out of that relationship and had a better life. No one deserves to live like that.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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