“As traumatized children, we always dreamed that someone would come and save us. We never dreamed that it would, in fact, be ourselves, as adults.” — Alice Little
My friend Fiona was telling me about her struggles with her boyfriend, Mark.
What started as mild cases of miscommunication as a result of heightened stress turned into full-fledged red flags that have left their relationship in tatters of uncertainty.
You see, Mark and Fiona both suffered childhood trauma.
Fiona was abandoned by her father and raised by a single mother along with 8 siblings. The mother sacrificed everything she had to educate her children and worked herself to the deathbed. Fiona never forgave her father for leaving them.
Mark has issues that have not yet come to light. From the start of their relationship two years ago, he kept telling her that he had a traumatic childhood that involved sexual assault and personality disorders; but he is not clear on all the details.
Fiona and Mark were drawn to each other like a moth to the fire.
They knew from the start that they probably should not get into a serious relationship, but they liked each other too much and were willing to work on their personal issues.
Their relationship was great before, but things have only gone downhill since the total national lockdown was imposed.
Mark has been exhibiting narcissistic behaviour.
***
According to the World Health Organization, Narcissistic Personality Disorder involves a pattern of self-centred, arrogant thinking and behaviour, a lack of empathy and consideration for other people, and an excessive need for admiration. People often describe those with NPD as cocky, manipulative, selfish, patronizing, and demanding.
Mark is all these things and Fiona has decided she needs to give their relationship a fighting chance. She loves Mark. He loves her.
She realizes they both need healing from what plagued them in the past.
Her greatest fear is that Mark is going to leave her just like her father did. She is also worried she is the only one fighting for their relationship to survive.
***
Whether they are fighting for their relationship together or not, healing is important to have fulfilling relationships. And the only person you can ever really change is yourself.
I am a psychologist by education and training. I practise within the community setting. The pandemic has brought out long-forgotten traumas and intensified stress for many people.
I have had more friends reaching out for mental health support in the last 6 months than in all the five years I have been practising.
Healing is a gift we give ourselves to allow us to be able to bring our best selves to the other aspects of our lives.
However, it is not always easy to begin the healing process without sufficient support. It is difficult. But just because it is difficult does not mean it can’t be done.
Here is what psychologists want you to know to help your healing process.
1. Healing Is A Daily Event
“Healing is not an overnight process; it is a daily cleansing of pain, it is a daily healing of your life.” — Leon Brown
You can’t go somewhere to be healed; you must take a journey inward.
This means a daily commitment to doing the work. You are responsible for your healing and will be an active participant in that process.
Your level of activity is directly connected to your level of healing. Small and consistent choices are the path to deep transformation.
For Fiona and Mark, acknowledging that they have issues they need to heal from does not mean they are suddenly going to find fairytale happiness.
For Fiona and Mark to salvage their relationship, healing is a daily event and they will need to do a bit of intentional healing every single day.
What you can do for your own healing:
Take that inward journey to discover the traumas you need healing from. Commit to healing yourself intentionally daily. Take responsibility for your healing by becoming an active participant in that process.
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2. Healing Is Within Your Control
“Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls your life.” — Shah Rukh Khan
Many things are beyond our control — healing is not one of them.
Healing is within your control.
Humanistic psychology is a theory of Psychology that adopts a holistic approach to human existence and pays special attention to such phenomena as creativity, free will, and positive human potential.
It encourages viewing ourselves as a “whole person” greater than the sum of our parts and encourages self-exploration rather than the study of behaviour in other people.
According to this theory of psychology, it is important for a person that seeks to heal to harness the power of choice because choice enables healing.
What you can do for your own healing:
Always remember that healing is within your control.
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3. Accept That You Will Have To Change To Heal
“In every change, in every falling leaf there is some pain, some beauty. And that’s the way new leaves grow.” — Amit Ray
Change can and often still feels overwhelming.
This is because the main function of your subconscious mind is to keep you safe, and it is threatened by change.
We experience this “pull toward the familiar” in the different discomforts we often feel as we change.
The practice of making consistent, small, daily choices through these push-and-pull resistances helps empower us to maintain change
What you can do for your own healing:
Understand the meaning of your life. We all are unique and we all have different hobbies and skills. Try to find what makes you happy and do that. Find whatever contributes positively to your journey of healing, and consistently do that.
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4. Take Responsibility For Your Own Healing
“Your trauma is not your fault but healing is your responsibility.” — Unknown
You are responsible for your own healing no matter what anybody else does.
The only way to end our pain is to take responsibility for it.
Anything you are unwilling to take responsibility for will continue to live in your shadow. That means even if you were victimized, the pain of your experience is now yours to heal.
It doesn’t mean it was fair, and it doesn’t mean you aren’t entitled to feel all of the feelings that come with those traumas.
Taking responsibility for your pain means that you recognize that no one else is capable of healing yourself other than you.
One of the ways you can do this is to practise breathwork.
According to Healthline.com, breathwork refers to any type of breathing exercise or technique. People often perform them to improve mental, physical, and spiritual well-being. During breathwork, you intentionally change your breathing pattern.
It turns the volume of the mind down so you can see the beliefs you’re holding on to that are keeping the pain lodged in your body.
As the mind slows down you can begin to feel the suppressed emotion in the body and release it.
What you can do for your own healing:
Explore breathwork as an approach that could help you advance towards your healing faster.
***
5. Healing Is A Choice You Make
“Healing is a choice. It’s not an easy one because it takes work to turn around your habits. But keep making the choice and shifts will happen.” — Yehuda Berg
The power to heal―physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually―is in God’s hands. But the choice to be healed is yours.
Everyone, at some level, needs healing.
You may have prayed for healing many times, for many years. Perhaps you have lived with your brokenness so long that you have become accustomed to it. Maybe you wonder just when God is going to take all the hurt away.
He can.
But you also must choose to let the hurt go and let the healing begin. You must do the hard work of putting one foot in front of the other and choosing to let the hurt go and let the healing begin.
What you can do for your own healing:
Like my friend Fiona, you need to remember that no matter how hard the journey is, healing is something you need to choose to do. Healing is a choice.
***
6. Healing Takes Time
“Change, like healing, takes time.” — Martin Luther King Jr.
Rania Naim said;
I’m slowly learning that even if I react,
it won’t change anything,
it won’t make people suddenly love and respect me,
it won’t magically change their minds.
Sometimes it’s better to just let things be,
let people go, don’t fight for closure,
don’t ask for explanations,
don’t chase answers and don’t expect people
to understand where you’re coming from.
I’m slowly learning that life is better lived
when you don’t center it on what’s happening around you
and center it on what’s happening inside you instead.
Work on yourself and your inner peace.Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free
Healing takes time.
With time, you will come to see that the broken, anxious, unhinged version of you was nothing to be ashamed of. You were simply a kind-hearted person reacting to a very unkind situation
Whoever created the need for you to seek healing — their past, pain, truth is not your past, pain, truth. It takes time to accept this.
What you can do for your own healing:
Embrace the fact that healing takes time, and then give time some time to do what time does best. Heal.
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7. True Healing Stems From Forgiveness
“Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace.” — Jonathan Lockwood Hule
Being angry at someone hurts only you.
Let go of your anger, not for the other person, but yourself. Remember, forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. Forgiving means accepting that it happened.
It took me a long time to understand what it means to forgive someone. I always wondered how I could completely forgive someone who chose to hurt me.
After a lot of soul searching, I know that forgiveness is not about excusing or accepting their behaviour. It is about letting go and not letting their behaviour destroy my heart.
To completely heal, this is the kind of mindset you need to develop.
What you can do for your own healing:
Forgive whoever caused your trauma. Not because they deserve your complete forgiveness, but to set the ball rolling on your journey towards complete healing.
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Final Thoughts
“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” — Rumi
It is not easy healing yourself, building new habits, or observing reality without projection or delusions. This is work that takes effort and intentionality.
Choose to heal.
Choose that now is the time to be happy. Being sad, angry, and overthinking slows your recovery and healing process.
Choose your own healing.
And then consistently act in line with the positive choices you have made for your life.
You will then be on your way to fully enjoy the different relationships in your life.
***
And now your thoughts…
Do you agree or disagree with my thoughts shared in this article? What helps you when you need healing?
Please let me know in the comments section below.
I wish you loads of love and healing.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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