Have you ever gotten advice from a friend that just made things worse?
As a relationship coach, I often hear broken-hearted clients recite conversations with their beloved ones that make my toes curl. You don’t learn at school how to deal with grief. Naturally, you might struggle to help others.
Here are the most common phrases you should avoid saying to someone going through a separation. Instead, make use of the following suggestions that’ll truly hold space and help your loved ones heal.
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1. Don’t Cry, They’re Not Worth Your Tears
This advice is one of the most frequent and it’s complete nonsense.
First, heartbroken people don’t cry for their exes, but for themselves. Otherwise, they’d suppress their emotions. It’s not about their exes’ worth, but they are worthy of healing and releasing their sadness by shedding tears.
Crying is even considered a natural anti-depressant and has calming, mood-boosting effects, as this study found after analyzing 3000 crying experiments.
The intention behind the “Don’t cry” advice often comes from our own discomfort. We feel weird when others cry in front of us. Yes, even (or specifically) friends and family. We want them to stop. So we tell them to stop.
By allowing them to cry, we don’t only support them in their process but also start learning how to deal with others’ grief.
What to say instead: “It’s good to cry. It helps release your sadness little by little.”
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2. You’ll Find Someone Else Soon
When someone is going through heartbreak, the last thing they think about is imagining a future with someone else. Why?
Because during a crisis, the natural reaction of our brain is to bring us back to our comfort zone. While grieving, our comfort zone is still our ex. We don’t want to hear about finding someone new. All we can think about is our ex.
Even if the thought of having a partner again can be soothing for some, it doesn’t help the actual process of healing. In fact, 90% of rebound relationships fail after three months. Don’t encourage your loved one to do that.
Instead, acknowledge their despair over the loss of a shared future. One of the hardest parts of a breakup is not grieving the past, but grieving what could have been.
What to say instead: “It’s okay to be sad about everything you can’t experience with them anymore. I’m here to listen.”
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3. You Were so Strong Before, Why All the Emotions Now?
The worst thing you can tell a grieving person is that their feelings aren’t valid. Also, making them doubt their ability to cope with crises doesn’t help.
Consider the 7 stages of grief by psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross: Shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing, and acceptance. According to her, we experience those in phases, not stages — meaning your loved one can be accepting one day and depressed the next.
It’s normal to unexpectedly “recycle” memories of a relationship. It doesn’t mean your friend was strong before and is now weak.
It’s actually the opposite: if they haven’t cried/raged before, they likely suppressed their emotions. “Shock” and “numbness” is often the initial stage of a break-up. Please encourage them to feel their emotions, because that’s what true strength is.
What to say instead: “It’s okay you’re feeling sad/angry/depressed now even if you felt fine before. It’s good your emotions start coming up.”
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4. You Knew What They Were Like, Why Are You Surprised?
We’ve all once dated a person who wasn’t good for us. All our friends saw it, but we couldn’t.
Even if your friend’s relationship ended in a foreseeable way, don’t judge them. They are only human and some unhealed parts of them were attracted to someone who wasn’t good for them.
If you tell them “they knew what they were in for”, you’re blaming them for the failure of the relationship. After a break-up, we naturally feel lots of guilt and shame already — don’t multiply this feeling. It’s okay to make mistakes. Don’t accuse them of their mistakes, rather encourage them to learn from them.
What to say instead: “I can imagine you are devastated about what they did. I am here to help in any way that feels nourishing to you.”
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5. You Broke up with Them, Why Are You Sad?
There is a misconception in society if we decide to end a relationship, we aren’t allowed to be sad. It was our decision, so why are we unhappy now?
As breakup coach Chelsea Leigh Trescott once said:
Feeling emotional after you’ve closely spent time with a person is normal. Even if you thoroughly thought about the decision. Even if the relationship ended on good terms.
It is essential to grieve the old first to start a new chapter. When someone close leaves our life, it takes time for our brain to adapt to the new reality. Part of that is acknowledging what we’ve lost. That goes hand in hand with experiencing all types of emotions.
What to say instead: “It’s okay to be sad about the ending of your relationship even if you were the one who broke up.”
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6. I Know Exactly How You Feel
If your friend goes through a break-up, it’s not about you. Don’t make their break-up a reason to talk about your break-up.
While humans do experience similar phases (see the grief model above), there is not a single separation that’s exactly like another. Thus, you simply can’t exactly feel like this person.
In most cases, the broken-hearted one doesn’t want to listen to your story. They don’t care about your feelings. What they want is to talk about their feelings, their story and have someone actively listen to them. They want you to acknowledge their feelings, not make the conversation about your feelings.
For some, listening to others’ experiences can be helpful. However, you should never initiate that. Rather, wait for clear signals like your friend asking you how you coped with your breakup. Only then you should talk about yourself.
What to say instead: “I can imagine what you are going through must be very difficult for you.”
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7. I Never Liked Them Anyway
While grieving, your friend doesn’t care what you think about their ex.
You might think telling them they deserve better helps. But dropping your aversion towards their ex only makes them believe they’re unable to attract appropriate people into their life.
You dishonor their grief, just because you believe their ex was a bad person. But all they want at this moment is you acknowledging that their current pain is valid. No matter what an asshole this person might have been.
There might have been many downs, but remember there were reasons your friend was with them, too. And your loved one is grieving the good times, not the bad ones.
What to say instead: “It’s okay to get sad thinking about the good memories you’ve shared.”
. . .
Final Thoughts
Going through a break-up can be one of the most sensitive periods of our lives. What people say to us in those moments can result in new beliefs we live by.
You only want the best for your broken-hearted friend. Unfortunately, some common advice only makes things worse. Listen actively, acknowledge your friend’s feelings and encourage them to experience all emotions coming up.
By integrating the above suggestions, you’re truly helping your friend move on. Remember it’s about them, not you.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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