Single mothers have stringent criteria for letting a man in. You stand between her and her child. Winning them over should be taken seriously and slowly. The how and why.
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I recently started dating a women who has a teenage son. I have been optimistic about creating a bond because I grew up in a fatherless world myself and though I am not looking to replace his biological father, I would like to be someone he can look up to and seek advice in his day-to-day life. So as I experience this journey, which so far seems to be going swimmingly, here are some tips I’d like to pass down for anyone who might be gearing up for the friend-dad role.
1. Make sure you provide the new teenager with as much space as he needs. Intuitively you want to be there to guide the youth in his life, but he needs to be able to come to you when he feels it’s necessary. If you try to encroach his space it will certainly end badly as kids can sometimes put up walls, or create distance, which keeps them from bonding with you.
2. Treat the mother well. Kids can pick up on negativity, and really…why be with someone if you cannot give the best you have to offer? That extends to their children.
3. Be genuine. Children are not stupid and your authenticity will win the hearts of everyone anyway. it makes sense to be a good guy. Besides, most people can see through bull shit. Kids are some of the greatest bull shit detectors there are!
4. Get involved. Expressing enthusiasm for the kiddo’s hobbies will enlighten you. Often, as adults, we think we cannot learn from children. However, participating in their world is the gateway to bonding in both worlds.
5. Find activities to do. What mom wouldn’t love to have you include their offspring in activities? I always include the love of my life’s son because a.) I enjoy his company, and b.) I don’t want mom to feel like her son isn’t welcome—when in fact he is always welcome.
6. Don’t do anything you wouldn’t do in the presence of your elders. Refrain from cursing, bad habits and telling stories that create a negative impact. We are role models to these young ones, like it or not, so don’t be a jerk.
7. Find something to grow on with her offspring. You love mom. That’s great! If you’re having a hard time with the kid disliking you, and this, for whatever reason cannot be resolved, then you must forfeit the relationship, or figure out a way as a team to work through the obstacles. Let’s face it, mom and offspring are a package deal and no one will ever break them up! Don’t focus on fighting for the love of the mother without also fighting for her children’s hearts. If you can’t do that, or you find you suddenly dislike children, exit quickly. In this unique relationship, children are just as integral as the mother. Love them as a package.
I have so far, successfully bonded with mom and son. Who would have imagined this guy before you would ever be responsible for helping to shape a young mind? But I am, and it’s pretty inspiring! You can do it, too.
Unedited Photo: Flickr/Christ’s Place