“God, help me get through this awful date. Why did I even agree to see this guy?” — I thought to myself, as I was sipping my coffee and pretending to listen. My date was going on and on about how successful he is and what “toys” he owns.
“I just bought a car; it’s a brand new Mustang, — he said, looking at me as if I was supposed to be impressed. — It’s an expensive car,” — he added, and I was happy he didn’t mention the price tag.
The date was miserable; so was I. Thankfully, I have a well-developed skill of faking a smile, so I don’t think he realized I was bored. I came home, dropped on my bed and promised to stay away from dating for a little bit.
But the truth is, the dates shouldn’t be this way. No one needs to know about how much money you have and how you spend it. What people want to see is your character and who you are. Being vulnerable might be a challenge, but as a woman — and merely a human being! — I can attest to its importance. There is more than one way to show vulnerability and earnestness, and to make a good impression.
Stop Pretending to Be Someone Else
No one likes fake people. Money, fancy cars, watches, expensive restaurants, and overall attempts to dazzle your date with wealth are more irritating, as opposed to impressive. We live in the era of Instagram influencers and Internet fame, where a lot of people are pretentious and disingenuous. Pretending to be someone that you’re not is an awful idea.
Instead, show your personality traits. Discuss something personal and vulnerable — you’ll have a much higher chance to impress your date. Nobody likes a show-off, so stop flexing.
You can find many ways to appear soft and kind. There is no need to act cold and closed off emotionally.
Share an Intimate Detail About Yourself
Why do we date? We’re looking for a special someone to have an intimate relationship with. We want to share our personality, our feelings, our ups and downs with that person. Spending a date without sharing anything personal constitutes a waste of time — unless you’re looking for a one-night rental, I suppose.
Talk about your family — discuss your relationship with them. Tell your date about your appreciation and love for your parents, siblings and other relatives. If you happen to be disconnected from your family — share that story instead. Openness requires strength, and not everyone can put themselves in a position of vulnerability. You don’t need to discuss all your life struggles on the very first date, but you can always disclose a few intimate facts.
Opening up about yourself is much more attractive than trying to impress someone with a fancy watch. P.S. But as a wine lover, I wouldn’t be opposed to grabbing a decent bottle of wine, though! You can impress me with wine all night long.
Opening up about yourself is much more attractive than trying to impress someone with a fancy watch.
Show Your Soft Side
Do you volunteer at an animal shelter? Did you adopt a pet? Do you want to adopt a pet? Do you want to have children and raise a family? Share that!
I have to, however, make a stipulation: not everyone is comfortable or straightforward enough to discuss something as deep and serious, as having children, on the first few dates. This is the reason why “one size fits all” approach doesn’t exist when it comes to relationships. I, personally, prefer to bring up such questions early on, but everyone is different.
You can find many ways to appear soft and kind. There is no need to act cold and closed off emotionally.
Don’t pretend to be perfect, because no one is.
Talk About Your Struggles and Pains
To be fair, you should leave this until date number 3, or 5, or possibly a later one. Don’t pretend to be perfect, because no one is. Everyone has life struggles, hardships, and a long list of problems and issues. There is no need to spring all that on your date the first time you meet them, but opening up about what you’ve been through and what you’ve learned is essential.
Being unable to discuss vulnerable topics can be a red flag. We all look for emotional intelligence.
Dating a self-centered egotistic individual is not an option.
Show Care and Thoughtfulness
Dating someone who doesn’t care about others is a deal-breaker for many people. No one wants to be in a relationship with an uncaring human being. Some of us subconsciously look for signs of care, even on the first date. Did your date show appreciation for the service you received at a restaurant or a coffee place? Did they leave a tip? Did they mention how appreciative they are of their family, friends or work? Did they exhibit small courtesies, like throwing away the garbage into the recycle bin or avoiding walking on the grass? If your date picked you up, for the acting courteous while driving, or did they call other drivers morons?
There are many signs, both small and big, of care or a lack thereof. No one wants to be hurt in a relationship, which is why we observe our partner’s behaviour to catch red flags early. If you’re a caring person — it’s usually obvious. The same applies to selfishness.
Express Concern for the World We Live In
“I don’t care about the environment, because even if it gets worse, it won’t affect me. I don’t pay much attention to things that don’t concern me. As long as my life is good — it’s all that matters.”
This is an almost verbatim quote from one of my dates. I have no clue, how did I end up dating that fellow for two years — I was truly young and stupid. The point I’m making is if your date isn’t interested in what’s going around them, and they mostly focus on themselves — it’s a problem. Granted, no one is perfect. Even if you care about the crisis in Syria and hunger in Sudan, you won’t be able to fix these problems. Having that said, showing concern means caring about something else, but yourself.
Dating a self-centered egotistic individual is not an option. This is why I always bring up issues that are important to me on the very first date. The other side doesn’t have to worry about every single thing on the planet. Still, the absence of care can be a potential deal-breaker because it often translates into selfishness in the relationship.
There is No “Right Way” to Date
I’m not an expert in dating. In fact, so far, I haven’t had a truly happy, loving and caring long-term, potentially life-long relationship. I do, however, have an opinion on how relationships should look like — and how it should not. Sometimes, it’s better to stay single and happy on your own; than dating someone pretentious, uncaring and self-absorbed.
We all deserve to be loved and happy. Relationships should be a joyful experience, not a struggle. And often, you can catch signs of an unsuitable partner on the very first date.
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Previously published on medium
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