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Marriage often leads to a decline in the frequency or enjoyment of sexual activity, especially after a few years of being together. Married couples, on average, have sex 68 times a year, but there’s no “right” amount of sex for any couple—some couples are perfectly satisfied with limited intimacy, while others would prefer more frequent sexual activity. No matter how much sex feels “right” for you and your partner, if you aren’t having enough sex to meet that amount, or if the quality of that sex is declining, you’ll need to take action if you want the health of your marriage to improve.
Improving Sex Without Improving Sex
There are other sources that can give you better techniques to use while having sex, or new things to experiment within the bedroom, but here’s the thing—sex is more than just a simple physical act. The reason married sex lives start to decline is because there are a bevy of different factors affecting your mental and emotional states, including your routines, your exposure to one another, and underlying emotional issues affecting the relationship.
That said, some of the best things you can do for your sex life don’t include direct changes to your sexual habits at all:
1. Improve the environment.
If you’re like most couples, you’re having most of your sex in the bedroom. Having sex in the same room, with the same atmosphere, for many years can take some of the novelty out of the act, so consider making some changes. You can buy a mattress specifically designed to provide better support during sex, paint the room with more romantic colors, or add furniture or decorations that make the room newer and more inviting.
2. Increase spontaneity.
The idea of sex is most exciting when it develops spontaneously. If you tend to have sex every Sunday afternoon, for example, you and your partner may grow tired of the act, or be less excited to engage in it. You can correct for this by being more spontaneous in your affections—especially non-sexual ones, like hugging, kissing, writing letters, or sending gifts.
3. Change your routines.
Routines can help you stay organized, but they often suck the magic out of a relationship because everything becomes predictable. Occasional schedule changes, such as switching days for certain activities, can make everything seem new again, and can set you up psychologically for sex that feels newer and less expected.
4. Send the kids away.
Kids are great, but their presence often makes it significantly more difficult to have meaningful, romantic alone time with your partner. At least once a week, have someone else watch the kids while you and your partner stay in with the intention of enjoying each other’s company. You’ll feel a greater, more loving, and more exclusive connection when you’re not focusing on childcare.
5. Bring back date nights.
While you’re at it, bring back date nights. Sex was probably most interesting and most exciting when you were going out and getting to know each other, so replicate that environment by taking your partner out for more dates. You can go traditional and make fancy dinner reservations, or go on an adventure, such as rock climbing. As long as you’re going out and doing new things, you’ll be adding a greater spark of romance to your relationship.
6. Improve your physical appearance.
Consider upgrading your appearance to spice up your sex life as well; you’ll add a new twist to your appearance, you’ll show your commitment to your partner, and you’ll feel more confident at the same time. Losing a few pounds, working out more often, spending more time on personal grooming, and investing in better clothes are all easy ways you can look more attractive—and they should all take you a few weeks of effort (or less). Though not always the case, many people in marriages gradually focus less on their appearance, not feeling the need to make themselves attractive anymore; this is a way to reverse that decline.
7.Focus on emotional intimacy.
Physical intimacy is best achieved by fostering emotional intimacy, so instead of trying to pursue new sexual positions or endeavors, try creating more opportunities for emotionally intimate connections. Talk about your deepest thoughts and feelings. Ask your partner lots of questions about their life and their perspectives. Genuinely listen, and provide unconditional support.
Making Changes Long-Term
These strategies shouldn’t be used as one-time efforts to have more sex. They should be used as tools to improve your relationship and keep it more interesting and healthier over a period of years. Marriage has the potential to become boring, exhausting, and depressing—but only if you let it. Use these strategies to prevent that from happening.
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