I was in a relationship with someone that was completely wrong for me while longing to be with someone else.
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Johnny Depp once said, “If you love two people at the same time, choose the second, because if you truly loved the first, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second”. A recent experience I had in my love life made me reflect on this quote and realize not only was I in love with the “second”, but I wasn’t in love with the “first” in the slightest. I was in a relationship with someone that was completely wrong for me while longing to be with someone else.
This whole emotional mess started when I broke things off with the “second” man after a disagreement. We weren’t dating but I had strong feelings for him and our disagreement left me distraught. Later that same day, I irrationally took things to the next level with the “first” man and made our relationship exclusive, we were now officially in a relationship. I never had a strong disagreement with guy number one and we seemed to get along well.
Looking back, I should have given the second man more of a chance and talked about our disagreement instead of jumping into a relationship with the first man
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Looking back, I should have given the second man more of a chance and talked about our disagreement instead of jumping into a relationship with the first man. While being in a relationship with guy number one, I experienced frequent arguing and realized that I was emotionally lying to him and myself during our three-months-too-long relationship. The more red flags I experienced, the more I understood that I wasn’t with the right person.
If you feel you are in a similar predicament in your love life and confused by your feelings, here are 7 ways to know you are in love with someone other than your boyfriend/girlfriend.
1. When experiencing something exciting, you wish you were with that special someone instead of your “significant” Whether it’s a romantic dinner or listening to live music, you cannot help but think of the other person and what the experience would be like with them. I was in San Francisco with guy number one touring amazing sites and thinking about how guy number two would laugh at things I found funny. When I shared some of my thoughts with guy number one, he didn’t have a response. I realized that he wasn’t expressive and didn’t have a sense of humor. This was one of the first moments that I thought I was with the wrong person. He didn’t say much, which led me to ponder how much better this vacation would have been with guy number two because at least we would be joking around. I was confused because I had had enjoyable times before with him, but never had gut-wrenching laughs like I had with guy number two.
2. You daydream about what the other person is doing while with your partner. You may be thinking about what they did last weekend or what they have going on in their life before you realize that you were just asked where you want to go for dinner. At times, I found myself thinking about guy number two because I was interested in his passions and how he was pursuing them. When guy number one didn’t have anything to say or talk about, my mind would wander and replay the memories and jokes I had with guy number two. I felt that something wasn’t right when I was thinking so much about guy number two while with guy number one, but my mind automatically went to all the happy moments I had with guy number two because they were more fun and meaningful.
3. You stop regularly hanging with your mutual group of friends. It is too hard to be just friends with Mr./Ms.
I made the decision to stop going out with people that I had so much fun with because I felt it would be better for myself and guy number two if I wasn’t around.
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Desired. It’s even worse when you cannot behave how you want around them because you are committed to your partner. I made the decision to stop going out with people that I had so much fun with because I felt it would be better for myself and guy number two if I wasn’t around. I felt sad every time they invited me out because in my heart I wanted to go, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to interact with guy number two because of being in a relationship with someone else.
4. You don’t want to be seen with your partner in front of said other person. You feel so awkward being with them in front of who you desire, that you want to hide them or hide yourself. At the time I worked with guy number two, and I remember feeling nervous when guy number one visited me at work. I was worried that guy number two would notice, since he knew about guy number one, and concerned that he might feel hurt. Guy number one could sense how stressed I was and got angry that I didn’t want him coming into my workplace. This was a difficult hole to climb out of because it was awkward to explain why I was so nervous and cared about guy number two’s feelings.
5. You try to maintain contact with your desired lover. You may occasionally text or email them, in a “platonic” sense, just to see how they are doing. I tried to reconcile breaking things off with guy number two by telling him that I would still be there as his friend, if he would accept that, and that I wanted to be there to support him. This was my way of still keeping him in my life, even if it was just as his friend because the thought of not having him in my life scared me. I would check in periodically to see how he was doing and felt happy when he would respond. However, this happiness was met with a tinge of pain because the reality was that I with someone else.
6. You realize you’re with the wrong “plus one” at a wedding. You admire the chemistry of the bride and groom and it hits
I saw how the bride and groom interacted the whole weekend and how strong their emotional connection was. They were so in love, but had a strong friendship as well.
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you that you do not have anything remotely close with the person sitting beside you at the reception, but you know you have that chemistry with the other person. I had this realization at the wedding of guy number one’s best friend. I saw how the bride and groom interacted the whole weekend and how strong their emotional connection was. They were so in love, but had a strong friendship as well. It was through this observation that I felt I was at the wedding with the wrong person because I didn’t have that kind of emotional connection with him. I knew he wouldn’t be the one I would marry and yet again reminisced on the connection I had with the second man.
7. You think about your desired lover while being intimate with your current partner. This person flashes into your mind spasmodically while your partner is trying to have a moment of passion with you. You might even have to remind yourself to refrain from screaming out the wrong name. The first time I hit a homerun with guy number one, I couldn’t get the thought of guy number two out of my head. I wasn’t officially in a relationship with guy number one just yet and felt uneasy because I was torn between two guys. Once I decided to be in a relationship with the first man, I would still have moments where I thought of guy number two when things were hot and heavy. I tried to brush it off and ignore these thoughts, but my heart was telling me that something wasn’t right.
Learning these 7 signs that I was unmistakably in love with someone else led me to understand the most important lesson of them all: trust your heart, not your head. I had chosen pure logic over my emotions and got schooled in love. I realize now how important it is to be completely honest not only with your potential love, but with yourself.
Have you ever been in a relationship, but had a feeling you were in love for someone else? What was that like for you and what were some of the lessons you learned?
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Photo: Flickr.com/Dave Emmett
Hi there, it is with a heavy heart that I read your article. I don’t know what to do because it’s all ringing very true for me. 10 years ago I met a wonderful man. He’s still wonderful and I care about him, I’m just not sure he’s the right man for me anymore (if he ever was). My family have told me for years that he doesn’t treat me like he should, and over the last year + I’ve developed new friendships and even they all tell me he doesn’t treat me right. I’m due to marry this man… Read more »
Dear DragonRoles, I beg you – get out. You think the pain is intolerable now? If you go through with the marriage, you will be so tangled up that it will be intolerable. It doesn’t have to be about anything – it doesn’t have to be his fault or yours. You know you’re in the wrong spot. Your life will work itself out. Yes, it’s hard to see right now standing here, but I’m sure you have had times before where you stood in that place not knowing what was around the corner, scared it was going to ruin you… Read more »
I am in this same position too. I believe I am besotted and have always been for another women from my early teens. Due to curcumstance it was never something to be persuaded but later in life I found, after being in a long term relationship of 2 years, she felt the same. Ever since this moment I can not shake the feeling of her and it’s torturous I have told my current partner and tried to call it off but feel like an awful person for breaking her heart for someone so long ago. This is awful but I… Read more »
I know the feelings all too well. I have experienced them for 31 years! My heart still feels the cracks and wounds to this day. I allowed that younger fella in me to let lust for another take the place of a chance at a budding relationship with a best friend. She and I (G) were the best of friends. We could finish each other’s THOUGHTS! The problem was, at the time, she was so shy and reserved. I was from the poor side! Make no mistake, we both felt love. I thought it was teen age love, but if… Read more »
I want to share how I feel with “number two,” but it seems unfair to both men. For one thing, I am breaking #1’s heart and for another, #2 will probably be surprised and confused how to respond to me for I know he would not want to disrespect the fidelity of a married woman. I would really like to be honest and vulnerable with #2 so that my true feelings would be known, but the unfairness of my choice doesn’t validate sharing it with him. Am I being selfish to want to tell him? Or I am I placing… Read more »
I am in a similar mess. And now that I even want to return back to the second guy, but he does not want us to be together because of his apprehension and that I did not choose him in the right moment.
Please advice.
PS – I have tried all ways to get him back , but the scenario now is that I am blocked by him in all modes of communication.
I abuse women, I am the narcissist! I hate women, I am over 60-s, what must I do?
Thank you very much! I have had an issue. I am a teenager going on adulthood, have been in a loving, amazing relationship for three years and still love my boyfriend very much, however, have met someone who moved in next door. Overtime, I’ve found my feelings developing, and I know from the past that it is love. We’ve talked about it and it is mutual. This post really shed some light on what I need to do. All I have to do now is tell my current partner and with both of them, work through this.
Spot on. Unfortunately I am married and feel this way. For those who are in relationships and/or marriages and do not have that other “what if” person good for you (but hard for me to believe). Not all of us are lucky enough to be with the one we truly love. Leaving would be selfish and too complicated. I consider myself lucky to be loved and know the feeling of love.
I’m same. Married and realizing I have these feelings for a guy I knew since middle school. Haven’t been able to shake it in years. However, he & I live very different lifestyles and he is also in a committed relationship- I also have no idea if he returns my feelings. I do love my spouse though and am raising a family with him & he is a very very good man. I wish I felt as passionately about him as I do the other guy but oh well. I just have to live with it and honor my vows… Read more »
I feel the same way. It’s been fifteen years. Both of us have children and partners and live different but i saw him recently at an event. We haven’t seen each other over ten years. I got this feeling when we hugged. Never felt it with anyone else. Not sure what it means
And what if you go for second one and later … your ..heart turns back for the first one .. 😛
I have known ppol in a 10 yrs relationship but never loved each other, so dont judge the shortness of it
Hmmm….Well three months or the last three months it does not matter. Everyone is living the best way they can, learning the best way they can, and loving the best way they can. To call someone a loser because they are honest about their feelings and wish to share them, is simply ascribing inner fallibilities upon others. Judging, finger pointing, devaluation or abuse of any kind is to deny ones own human self and the humanities of self from others. Guess what, we are ALL stumbling through life making choices others may see as morally incomprehensible. Of course until they… Read more »
This post is rediculous. Stop cheating your 1st man. You are a coward basically. You are using your current partner because somehow you are not able to get 2nd man. And if your feelings are so strong then just walk out of the current relationship. This is how a weak person or basically a cheater behaves. You wasting time of your current partner. Just tell him the truth or you are going to tell him when the 2nd man will propose you. What a loser you are.
Bit harsh words …but I absolutely agree with the logic …100%
“…..during our three-months-too-long relationship..”
You must be kidding….Three months.? And you call this a relationship?
I swear I really think this is the root cause of so many “relationship” problems in America. People just go from person to person…dating two months, three months, etc. Such is really meaningless. Just enough time for the dopamine high to wear off. Then on to the next one. Rinse and repeat.
How do you even know a person in such a short period of time? So, why would you want to be in a “relationship” with someone you hardly even know?