One in seven women are unfaithful to their partners (and about one in five men). The real reasons women cheat are not what you’d expect.
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Most women have been taught since childhood to be “good little girls,” “behave like a lady,” and “grin and bear it.” Remember hearing the saying “little girls are made of sugar and spice, and all things nice”?
Fast forward to the 21st century, where women are now allowed to be tough, to say NO, to speak their mind, to become CEO’s and to enjoy sex. Women have become more assertive and in tune to their needs, wants and desires.
Some men like the fact that women are able to “talk the talk” and “walk the walk” while others feel intimidated by it. Without a doubt, this change has had a great impact on relationships between men and women, specifically the actions and behaviors of women.
According to 2012 statistics from the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 14% of married women have cheated compared to 22% of married men. Although women are not exceeding men in cheating, women are having emotional affairs and sex behind their man’s back. However, when a woman cheats, she is usually cheating for emotional intimacy while a man usually cheats for physical pleasure.
Women are still emotionally invested in their relationships. Women want to feel desired, wanted and irresistable. It’s quite phenomenal how far women have come in this world, from women’s lib, entering the workforce, becoming professionals, breadwinners of the family, and now getting their needs met;even if it means cheating. Now get ready to see what I reveal about why women cheat.
1. Lack of attention and intimacy:
How long can you go without receiving love and attention before you look somewhere else? Some can go for only days or weeks, and others can go for years. However, in general, women need and desire intimacy, physical touch, and mental and emotional attention.
If you are not receiving this from your husband or boyfriend, it will only be a matter of time and you may seek it from another i.e. a caring guy friend, the attentive guy who feeds your emotional needs at your workplace, or the hot trainer at the gym. Women deprived of attention, compliments, and compassion; usually have emotional affairs. That doesn’t mean it won’t lead to sex, but initially they crave the attention and compassion that has been absent from their relationship.
2. Revenge:
Being cheated on is a very difficult act to forgive. For those of you who have been cheated on, you know how awful it feels. You feel deceived, hurt, angry, sad, numb and even violated. It also affects your self-esteem. At the moment, you find out your man cheated, your whole body begins to shake, you begin to sweat, your stomach drops, and you feel nauseated.
Clearly, it negatively affects your relationship, your mood, behavior, and your ability to trust the cheater ever again. When you have been cheated on, some of you may want to get revenge by making them feel the way you felt. This can lead you, to do the cheating next. The biggest truth is that cheating never solves a relationship problem. Communication, assertiveness and increasing passion and romance in your relationship are a much better solution.
3. Bad sex:
Women need to feel desired and experience REAL orgasms during sex. If women are getting bad sex, not enough sex, non-emotional sex, or “wham-bam-thank-you-mam” sex, you may eventually lose interest in the relationship and look elsewhere for GOOD sex! This creates a temptation to seek sexual or emotional satisfaction elsewhere. In my opinion, it’s best to communicate your needs to your man with the hopes that he will step it up a notch. You can do this on your own or with the help of a sex therapist.
4. Weight loss/plastic surgery:
Male attention increases quickly after a boob job, a butt implant or weight loss, and so does your self-confidence. With all this male attention, your temptation to cheat rises, and it takes more self-control to resist some of those male offers. Once you realize other guys want you, your desire to act on it may have you feeling euphoric. However, be careful, act wisely and make your pros and cons list.
5. Financial independence:
When you feel financially dependent on your husband or boyfriend, it’s more difficult to speak up in arguments or leave the relationship. The fear of being alone and financially unstable keeps you in a one-down position. Now that women make their own money, enjoy working, and are good at it, the need to stay in an unhappy relationship is not necessary. That feeling of power and independence can be like seeing the red carpet laid out for you; all the way to those other fish in the sea.
6. Low self-esteem:
When you feel insecure about yourself, you have a need to seek validation from others. This can be in the form of sexual, emotional, or intellectual attention. When you don’t love or value yourself, you may project that onto the person you are in a relationship with, and believe they don’t love or value you. Even if your husband or boyfriend loves you greatly, you still may cheat because you find it hard to accept their unconditional love. I suggest reading one of the many self-help books out there on building your self-esteem, or get some counseling to help improve self-confidence.
7. Feeling under-appreciated:
When you are in a relationship, you like to please your man. Cooking a romantic dinner, buying sexy lingerie, and listening with your heart, are just a few ways you may show your love and appreciation. So what happens when you don’t hear “thank you, please or I love you.” Holidays and birthdays come and you don’t receive anything meaningful, nothing at all, not even a verbal acknowledgment. We all have thresholds, and once yours is reached, you may decide to act on a “thank you, please, or I love you” coming from another direction. Let your man know he may lose you if he continues to take you for granted.
8. Bored:
He doesn’t spray on that good smelling cologne anymore, his clothing is wrinkled, stained or way out-of- date. When he comes home from work (assuming he has a job), it’s the same old thing; “what’s for dinner”? When the weekend comes, he says he’s tired and just wants to relax at home, or go out to the same sports bar you go every weekend.
The routine is the same over and over again. You are no longer on the same page. You barely have anything in common. You are feeling emotionally distant from him. You find yourself looking at other prospects and fantasize about being with someone else. You begin to feel excited (something you haven’t felt in “forever”) just thinking about it.
There are many ways to spice up an old, tired relationship. Boredom is something that can be resolved with a little, or sometimes a moderate amount of effort. It requires both of you introducing new ideas and behaviors, and some spontaneity. Be sure of what you want.
For more information about infidelity, self-esteem, and ways to cope, I recommend reading To Stay or Not To Stay? A self-help workbook for people considering divorce or staying in their relationship.
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Originally published on Divorced Moms
Photo—anton pethukhov/Flickr
Very interesting. And right: the woman’s cheating always starts internally – as unfulfilled needs or emotions. Whereas we, guys, mostly cheat when we see an opportunity.
But there is only one reason a woman would cheat on you: she doesn’t see you as a man. A man she can rely on, the man who will protect her from every danger in the world, including herself. Everything else are the consequences.
My husband had zero anger management: he would lose his shit over the piddly-est things. I was constantly terrified of whatever was going to make him blowup next, yet still trying to avoid divorce. So I sought solace in the arms of another man. Ended up having to divorce anyway. Men: She needs to feel SAFE with you. Can she let down her guard when she’s around you? Do you allow her to feel deliciously vulnerable? That’s how you get Great Sex. But if you’re prone to towering rages, and treat her worse than you’d treat your dog — well… Read more »
With most women being real Whores nowadays which it is very obvious why they cheat way more than many men do since so many of us good faithful men had this happen to us already unfortunately. Just too many very pathetic low life loser women everywhere today that have no shame at all of what they do which is real sad.
Got that right. Was recently cheated on by my ex of 14 months. She decide to screw my sisters ex. Just a silly whore. All because I was at work and she wanted me to stay home that day
Why do women want to feel desired wanted and irresistible if they are financially independent and emotionally mature. That’s the question that I want an answer to.
I’ve done a lot of reading on why men and women cheat, these are on the top reasons of most studies. Whether they are justifiable is another question which is not really touched on in this article and that is totally fine. One thing I will say though, at the start you say most men cheat for sexual pleasure. This is completely untrue and I’d challenge you to find any series of studies done by reputable sources that say that is the case. Men are not sex starved lower class citizens. We are emotional beings with a desire for emotional… Read more »
And why would you get married and risk losing half your assets? Bored?
Same reason a woman would marry and agree not to work without a prenup that says she get what she was getting paid when she agreed to be THE ONLY ONE doing the hands on raising of the kids, plus any advances and promotions she would have received for doing his half AND her own half of doing the child raising—> Love
I LOVE this comment dlynn. Bravo!
Again, most of these point out how self centered and narcissistic women really are. Then they wonder “where have all the good men gone?” Nothing in this article surprises me. No man wants to settled with women of such nature. This is where feminism has failed women. Look at the statistics of how many men are getting as far away from marriage as they possibly can. A woman can cheat on a man, divorce him, and most likely be able to take everything from him, including the kids. Men are awoken to this bullshit and they are walking away from… Read more »
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LOL at only 1 in 7 cheating. I literally don’t know a single faithful woman. (this includes all of my friends wives, and even dear old mom) All of the excuses (not reasons) to cheat listed above are not acceptable. If you are in a relationship and your partner is not giving you what you need, it’s your responsibility to work with them to make that happen. If they are incapable of providing what you want, you should have enough self respect to let them down easy, and THEN go find a new partner. Don’t be a cheating scum bag.
There is only one reason a woman cheats… her man isn’t good enough. Tho its better to kick them to the curb for an upgrade than cheat… cheating is just the polite way to do it. So suck it up and Man Up boys.. someone else is always waiting and so easy to get.
“Cheating is a Polite way?” Hope Your partner cheats on you. You will find out how polite it is.
And this is why the marriage rate is plummeting. When you crash face first into the wall, I hope you woman up and get a cat and don’t bother any decent men with your faded looks and baggage.
sorry, but what is this shit? most of those could and should be gender biased. how about the woman taking responsibility instead of blaming all of it on the way a man treats her?? i don’t get it? terrible article. wrong blog to share it on too!
Couples therapist here. There is never a good reason to cheat but sadly these are the reasons most women give. If you never give water and su to a plant it will die. But if water or sunlight comes from another source, it will survive and thrive. Point is, guys pay attention to your women….or someone else will ?
It’s an article about women, by a woman (it looks like), for women. Nothing in the article says this information excludes anyone else–it’s simply an article that’s about/for women.
This seems to happen on nearly every article that ever runs on this site. Someone writes an article on some specific topic and you immediately get these complaints that the article isn’t about *everything.*
Well its all matter of interest, situation and desire. If it’s cold night with smart boy and woman is interested then there is one way only…
Or sometimes women cheat because they’re arseholes.
Yeesh.
Ahh cheating, where women don’t need to take responsibility. Blame the man, it’s his fault of course!
Archie, victim mentality doesn’t look good on you. The article was slanted toward women, highlighting danger signs and suggesting preventative action to protect their relationship. For guys reading the article it’s also an opportunity to perk up and recognize that a few niggley things in their own relationship may have their partner vulnerable to straying under the right encouragement. Women’s blogs and self-help are loaded with articles about how to recognize when the situation in their own relationship might drive their guy to cheat and to take steps to address the problems. I can’t recall women ever pouting that an… Read more »
This sounds like an article justifying the cheating, not simply giving reasons. Cheating is the fault of the cheater themselves. If a relationship leaves her unfulfilled, they can leave, stay and fix it, or ask for permission to see others and have an open relationship.
Good to see the majority of men ignoring the information and perhaps taking on board how they can be better partners and instead having an indignant hissy fit! How dare men get constructive advice hey?
Oh well enjoy seeing those statistics go up boys and more women cheating on you.
Personally I don’t see what women get out of relationships with men. They should stay single and sample the delights when they feel like it. I don’t see how a woman could stay faithful to men, truth be told.
@KateT
Wow! Thanx for reminding me you exist.
I was told by my aunt, as a man:
1. Never trust a person who doesn’t care about relationships between people.
2. Run from women who dismiss men and have no empathy
3. Stay away from people who promote bad behavior. They likely to abuse you and/or others later.
oh yea!
4. People tell you who they are up front or over time. Count your stars when a terrible people show themselves earlier than later.
Took me over a decade to learn the last two.
Tancred, I encourage you to go over to DivorcedMoms and read their article about the 10 Reasons Guys Cheat. The tone is *wildly* different than this one. And not in the “this is how to keep your man from cheating” way that you seem to be implying.
@ Tancred We know the drill. Men have excuses. Women have reasons. It’s never her fault. Communication is a two way street. So how come we’re always told that women are better communicators, more open with their feelings, and more emotionally intelligent than men, but we’re putting the onus on men to ensure that their partner is happy in the relationship? I get that men need to do their part. Problem is they usually are in cases where they stayed faithful and their partner cheats. I know of one case where the wife cheated. She loved spending money. Her husband… Read more »
That was my first thought too. How about just taking responsibility for being a shit person? 😉
Someone please give her a cookie. you rock Girl. Cheating is Shit. Period.