I came across this book titled “The Compound Effect” by Darren Hardy wherein he talks about how even small consistent efforts can create huge results in the long-term. There’s this chapter in which he talks about relationships. Darren attended a seminar where everybody was asked a very simple question, “What percentage of shared responsibility do you have in making a relationship work?” Darren blurted out “50/50 – both partners should be willing to share the responsibility evenly”. People kept coming up with their answers – 51/49, 80/20, etc. Any guesses what the answer could be?
The instructor wrote the answer in big black letters – 100/0! He said that for a relationship to sustain for long, each of the partners should be willing to give their 100% without expecting anything in return. And when you give in your full 100% to make the relationship work, it will definitely work.
Sadly, that’s not how relationships work these days. Because we’re all surrounded by digital gossips that we tend to feel jealous if our partner posts a picture with someone whom we don’t like. A relationship should be an exhilarating one where you feel accepted and supported by your partner. But when one person tends to overpower the other, cracks can often develop in the relationship. What may look like real love may be just infatuation. And that’s what we’re here to find out. Let’s have a look at warning signs that indicate you’re in an unhealthy or toxic relationship.
Being possessive is a normal trait as partners are often protective of each other. However, being over-possessive can actually be harmful to the relationship. When your partner starts controlling you – who you spend time with, where you go or what you do, things can often go in the wrong direction. This leads to serious accusations against the partner of being cheated or flirting with some random stranger. If your partner says that they are being overprotective or have really strong feelings for you and can’t tolerate you with anyone, consider it as a sign that your relationship won’t last for long.
2. Sacrificing Personal Growth and Happiness
You’re going in the wrong tunnel of love if you feel that you have to sacrifice your growth and happiness to make the relationship work. A healthy relationship is built on the foundation of support and acceptance. If you don’t feel welcomed and supportive by your partner, you need to sort certain things out. If your partner doesn’t want you to chase your dreams or tries to instill some negativity (in your mind) regarding the same, you should consider walking away from the relationship.
Does your partner keep you away from your friends, family, or your colleagues? Do they want you to spend more time with them and later on ask you to stop seeing certain people? This is one of the toxic traits of an unhealthy relationship. Your partner may ask you to choose between them and your friends and also try to form a negative opinion of your friends and family. This can create a feeling of dependency on your partner that you’re in the relationship just for some materialistic benefits like money or love that doesn’t exist anymore. When you start experiencing isolation, it’s better to start maintaining some distance so that you don’t lose yourself.
As Ernest Hemingway puts it, “The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much and forgetting that you are special too.”
4. Losing Temper and Yelling Constantly
Relationship therapists at Hisblue suggest that resolving conflicts is fundamental to having a healthy relationship. You could disagree with your partner at some point and a conflict may arise. If they come lashing at you by being violent or abusing you verbally, you should try talking to your partner about this or give a second thought to your relationship if things don’t smoothen up.
It is neither your partner’s or your job to keep you happy. Your partner may make you feel that you’re at fault and should feel responsible for your actions. They may also pressurize you into doing things that you don’t like and tell you to do it anyhow as it’ll hurt their feelings.
Well, healthy relationships don’t work that way. Whenever things go south, it becomes your and your partner’s responsibility to talk your way out of the situation. If feelings of guilt are developed every time in every situation, it could be a bad sign for your relationship.
Relationship experts call this a rollercoaster of extreme ups and downs. If you keep breaking up with your partner and get back together afterward, it could become volatile. Your partner may make hateful comments or threaten you and quickly apologize to never say those things again. They may commit the same mistake again and again and keep making fake promises. When your relationship becomes tense, it becomes more volatile.
If you’re completely dependent upon your partner – whether financially, emotionally, or psychologically, it could indicate an unhealthy relationship. Well, relationships are meant to work as a single social unit – when the two partners work together and become one. However, each person is an individual and should have a certain level of independence. Being completely dependent on your partner can actually make you miss out on discovering the ways that can offer support to you. And being emotionally dependent can be dangerous as it doesn’t pave the way towards a healthy relationship.
8. You Don’t ‘Vibe’ Anymore
Oftentimes, when we’re in a particular situation, our gut feeling tells us that something’s not right. And as they say, “Gut feelings are guardian angels.” You may not be able to put it into words but your gut instincts would tell you that this relationship isn’t the right one for you. You wouldn’t feel comfortable or safe around your partner. The positive vibes that seemed to attract you towards your partner wouldn’t feel so strong now.
We all experience good times and bad times in our lives. The same goes for relationships as well. Treating each other with equal respect and making each other comfortable can sustain the relationship for long. No one’s taught the lesson on how to love. However, by paying attention to these warning signs, you can definitely train yourself to do better over time.
After all, love is what we all seek.
This post is republished on Medium.
Photo credit: Shutterstock