Why is it that men and women have so much difficulty getting along? Recent research from the Pew Institute (Pew 2013) found that 83% of women and 82% of men desire marriage, yet only about 50% of adults are currently married and the divorce rate for first marriages looms at a whopping 50%.
While studies on the benefits of commitment and marriage are mixed, most experts concur that long-term commitment has many benefits. According to researchers, it’s tied to live-in emotional and physical support. In other words, when you have someone around on a day to day basis, you have someone to remind you to take care of yourself and are more likely to be healthier and live longer.
One of the main reasons experts cite for women filing for divorce is that they want an equal partner—someone who listens and appreciates them.
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So why do so many couples report that they’re on the verge of a breakup or divorce? This is especially true for women—since two thirds of divorces are filed by the wife. One of the main reasons experts cite for women filing for divorce is that they want an equal partner—someone who listens and appreciates them.
That said, we all want unconditional love and a partner who values our opinion and respects us. Even though men report more happiness with the wedded state than women, researchers have found that women thrive in a happy marriage. So in principle anyway both sexes want the same thing.
How can men and women resolve differences and declare peace within a relationship? According to the authors of the study The Normal Bar, the happiest couples, wherein both people feel relatively satisfied in their relationship, learn to compromise. They write: “This seems to be the core secret for relationship happiness: frequent compromises over time, and balance in giving and getting, conceding and winning.”
What is the meaning of the word compromise? It’s a settlement by which each side makes concessions. And while this doesn’t sound romantic, if you decide you want to save your marriage, you have to learn to negotiate – which is the essence of compromise. Negotiation is about diplomacy and is a tool that will help you and your partner get on the same side and to become intimately connected.
Perhaps women need to adopt realistic expectations and view conflict as positive. According to psychologist Harriet Lerner, a good fight can clear the air. She writes: “and it’s nice to know we can survive conflict and even learn from it. Many couples, however, get trapped in endless rounds of fighting and blaming that they don’t know how to get out of. When fights go unchecked and unrepaired, they can eventually erode love and respect which are the bedrock of any successful relationship.”
It’s also important to stop keeping score and to try not to win every argument, even when you’re in the right. Instead, author Pat Love says, “think of winning an unofficial contest I like to call ‘Who’s the Bigger Person? Resolving Conflicts is about who wants to grow the most and what’s best for your relationship.’”
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In the beginning of a relationship, couples tend to focus more on their similarities. Yet after a while, negative projections tend to surface and your partner may remind you of someone from your past. This could explain why some couples who seemed so compatible when they first got together, have more conflicts as time goes by. This may be especially challenging for some women who grew up with the mindset of a soulmate who cherishes and loves them unconditionally.
“When I let go of my efforts to fix him, and started negotiating, I started getting my needs met.”
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Fortunately, Caroline, age 34, learned it takes two people to contribute to communication difficulties. Caroline and Jackson started meeting with a counselor out of desperation. “That’s when I noticed that I had a problem communicating. I expected Jackson to know what I wanted without me telling him what I needed. When he failed, I’d punish him with the silent treatment, or blow up. When I let go of my efforts to fix him, and started negotiating, I started getting my needs met.” she says.
8 ways women can keep the peace with their partner:
- Create leisure time and a relaxed atmosphere to interact with your partner often. Ask for what you need in an assertive (non-aggressive) way and be willing to see your partner’s side of the story. This is not optional—couples who spend at least one night a week together can enhance their relationship resilience, according to recent research.
- Cultivate and affectionate bond. According to author Kory Floyd, physical contact releases feel good hormones. Holding hands, hugging, and touching can release oxytocin (the bonding hormone) that reduces pain and causes a calming sensation. Physical affection also reduces stress hormones—lowering daily levels of the stress hormone cortisol.
- Take a risk and deal with hurt feelings—especially if it’s an important issue—rather than stonewalling or shutting down. Avoid criticisms and focus on positive ways you can get what you need from your partner—at least most of the time.
- Approach conflict with a problem-solving attitude and avoid the blame-game. Instead of trying to prove a point, examine your part in a disagreement. Listen to your partner’s requests and ask for clarification on issues than are unclear. Discuss expectations to avoid misunderstandings.
- Use “I” statements rather than “you” statements that tend to come across as blameful—such as “I felt hurt when purchased the car without discussing it with me” rather than “You’re so selfish and you never talk to me about your purchases.”
- Take a short break if you feel overwhelmed or flooded. This will give you time to calm down and collect your thoughts. But be sure to chat later because when issues get swept under the rug, this can leave the partner who feels hurt—or both people—even more resentful.
- Show attunement with your partner in non-verbal ways such as eye contact, body posture, and gestures that demonstrate your intention to listen and compromise. Dr. John Gottman developed this principle after observing thousands of couples in his Love Lab.
- Establish an open-ended dialogue: Don’t make threats. Avoid saying things you’ll regret later.
Be assertive yet open in your attempts to negotiate for what you want from your partner. Both individuals in a relationship deserve to get some (not all) of their needs met.
It’s essential for women to find creative ways to compromise with their partners and not throw in the towel too soon. According to Dr. John Gottman, the number one solution to the communication problem that couples have is to get really good at repair skills. He posits that the thing that seems to be breaking up many couples is difficulty bouncing back from a conflict or disagreement in a healthy way (Business Insider).
If you believe your relationship is on the rocks, adopting a resilient mindset and working on ways you can repair hurt feelings, can help you get back on track. Couples who learn to compromise are on their way to building a successful relationship that is long-lasting. Adjusting your expectations and compromising are indispensable tools to making peace with your partner and promoting mutual understanding.
Photo—Lara604/Flickr
Follow Terry on Twitter, Facebook and movingpastdivorce.com. Her book “Daughters of Divorce: Overcome The Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship” is available on movingpastdivorce.com.
In a fair world, this would all work, but in a fair world this would not be needed. yes, 80% of men would “like” to be married, but that only accounts for desire. As Dr. Helen Smith pointed out in her book, “Men on Strike” a growing majority are opting out entirely, and once past the age of 30, the number is growing exponentially. Put another way, when women began to enter the workforce, the entire industry had to change to accommodation them. it was a slow and painstaking process. Likewise does the balance of power need to be altered… Read more »
If any man or woman takes themselves out of dating, finding love or getting married, that’s on them. Women have made a lot of necessary advances in society and their worth is no longer dependent on how many men want to get married. Lots of women are okay if they don’t get married too. Most of us want a great relationship but have other things in our life that our great too. Regardless of gender, we make peace with ourselves as we get older and we would rather be single then in an unhappy situation. I think peace can only… Read more »
This is not a matter of “a” man or women opting out of marriage. It is a movement of men away from marriage, and for sound reason. It is a clear and present, proven case of discrimination based on sex. How people act, good or bad, within an interpersonal relationship has nothing to do with the injustice and discrimination that men face within the confines of the marriage contract, or interpersonal relationships. Part of the reason it still exists, even after 30 years of men fighting for change, is the exact argument you are putting forth, dismissing, or ignoring the… Read more »
Women don’t start pathetic “movements” about saying no to marriage because they have harsher things to deal with. But women are opting out, a lot. Because they don’t want to be domestic slaves, ending up raped, beaten and killed, just like it happens everyday to so many women in the hands of straight males.
Its interesting when women have problems they are top priorities that must get the utmost care and attention but when men have problems they are dismissed as not mattering.
And that’s what you’re doing. You’re declaring that women’s problems matter and men’s don’t.
Hi DJ Roukan
Do you think mens high suicide rate will decline when they say no to marriage and committed relationships with with women?
Can’t say, Robin. I know that there have been men who have blown their brains out on the steps of court houses across the land after dealing with the stress hefted upon them, having their kids basically shop-lifted from them. Overall though, the statistic is correct. Men still “want” to be married, but that are starting to opt out because of the unfairness, lack of rights, and fear of ending up divorced and being that guy on the courthouse steps. There is really no motivation for them to engage in marriage. This is not about women doing anything right or… Read more »
DJ Roukan
https://www.nytimes.com/2016/04/22/health/us-suicide-rate-surges-to-a-30-year-high.html?_r=0
If I understood this article correctly,it says that middle aged men that is not married have 3,5 higher risk of suicide .
What you write about the “real cause ” of divorce for women ,is confusing.
Do you mean that all over the world women initiate divorce so that they can rob men of money and take something from a man?
Different countries have different family law. Still women initiate divorce more often than men also in countries where laws are different from the one in America,and more fair .
Well, they’ve grouped “umarried” into a bunch rather then divorced, or single, and they’ve still failed to look at, well they’ve looked at but not made the correlation between “unmarried” and “lonely”, or in desperation. “but researchers who reviewed the analysis said the patterns in age and race were consistent with that recent research and painted a picture of desperation for many in American society.” “We’ve got bits and pieces, but we haven’t really put them all together yet.” See, we’ve gone about the business, under the banner of inclusion, of dismantling all and any form of male community (right… Read more »
Terry, I appreciate the insight your article delivers. My wife of 17 years covertly decided to “separate” by securing her own apartment and moving out of the house without declaring what it was that made her so unhappy. It has devastated me and our 3 children as well as her own family. None of us understand her motive or her actions. She confides more in her high school buddies and bitter girlfriends, who themselves have had multiple unsuccessful relationships, rather than in me when it comes to deep personal matters. We have been to couples counseling and I am trying… Read more »
Hi Confused and Hurt, There are many great books and therapies for couples but in order for one of them to work, both partners have to make a commitment to work on the marriage and change. I recommend that you seek counseling for yourself and your kids to gain support. It might be a good idea for you talk to your counselor about ways to communicate you love and intentions to your wife. If this doesn’t work, moving on with your life is a process that takes time and is possible with mindfulness and the support of others. Support groups… Read more »
Why is this addressed to women? Shouldn’t men be doing the same?
Hi Eileen, The article was written for women because I was given a title and asked to write about this topic. However, you’re correct that men and women both need to compromise. That’s why I say “Couples who learn to compromise are on their way to building a successful long-lasting relationship.” Keep in mind, that 2/3 of divorces are initiated by women and men overall find more happiness in marriage than women do. More and more women are throwing in the towel and feel disillusioned with commitment and marriage. In my opinion, this can greatly impact marriage rates and the… Read more »
Hi Terry..
“More and more women are throwing in the towel and feel disillusioned with commitment and marriage. ”
The real question is “Why?”
Perhaps they have grossly unrealistic expectations? Maybe they truly never loved the men in the first place? Women know the answer.
I think in America women find it easier to just “blame the man” rather than look themselves in the mirror.
Hi Jules, Some women take self-reliance to the extreme and don’t want to rely on a man for love, intimacy, or support. For instance, my research shows that daughters of divorce have a tendency to self-reliant to the extreme and shut down when it comes to being vulnerable for fear of being hurt or abandoned. Many women have wounded trust and aren’t able to take a risk on loving someone and being vulnerable. In my experience, some of the reasons women forsake men are cultural. My mother born in 1929, was raised by a single mom, and had a negative… Read more »
It’s usually because most males see their wives as domestic slaves + sex objects (they totally stop paying attention to their wives’ pleasure IF they ever did) + demean them. Many of them also rape, beat and threat to kill them.
Hi Terry
You write “men overall find more happiness in marriage than women do”.
Hmmm,it is often so.
So what can women learn from men ,the married men?
Maybe they can teach us something about how to be married and feeling well?
Terry, I’ve heard other experts say that women are more often likely to initiate divorce, not because men are more happy in their marriages, but because men are more likely to stay with the statues que or ignore the problems in the relationship. Men are not always great communicators either and sometimes it’s hard to talk to a man who doesn’t want to share his feelings or share responsibility in making th emotional part of the relationship to work. I agree with your advice about how women can practice building healthy relationships but you loose me when you say women… Read more »
Men and women have so many nit-picking arguments because men’s and women’s minds do not work the same. Most often women are process oriented in their communications and men are results oriented. People do not understand how to ‘be’ with these different mind types. Most couples have thousands of bickering arguments each year.That is not happiness.
Hi Timothy, I’m familiar with Deborah Tannen’s book “You Just Don’t Understand” and her theory about gender differences in communication styles. I agree that women tend to want to establish rapport and men have a tendency to want to “report” during conversation. However, we have to careful not to fall pry to stereotypes since this isn’t always the case.
Regards, Terry
**. . .you never talk to me about your purchases.”*
To me, the problem with a statement like this isn’t so much the “you” as the “never.” If it’s not strictly true–if there was one time, even months before, that he in fact did what she says he never does–he’ll say to himself, she doesn’t notice when I do something she wants, so why should I bother?
Rex,
I strongly agree with your comment – “never” is certainly a trigger and comes across as judgmental and accusatory. However, starting a dialogue with “You” is a turn off too and comes across as blaming the other person; whereas an “I” message is one of ownership so the respondent get less defensive.
Regards,
Terry
Poor straight males, so oppressed! Let’s cater to their fragile egos by never saying the word “never”, what a trigger!
“My wife said the word never, so why should I bother working on the relationship?” Haha, American males are pathetic.