“Letting go does not mean that you do not care about someone anymore. It is just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.” — Deborah Reber
Office affair! Exciting, right?
Nene
When I had just started my career in marketing and communications, I joined the industry in the traditional way. That means a physical structure, a cubicle, and showing up to the office every single day, and also carrying work home.
Nene was my favorite.
She had a bubbly and charming personality, and knew exactly how to dress to look confident and sultry at the same time. All the men in the office were drawn to her like moths to a fire.
I liked her because she is such a kind person, with a nice word for everyone. She went out of her way to make me feel welcome when I had just joined the organization. She confided in me that she enjoyed the game of attracting the men — but that she would never date any of them because office affairs never end well.
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Peter
3 months into working there and top management decided it would be nice to switch things up to see how we perform under different leadership. So the mid-level managers were taken to the other branch, and theirs brought to ours.
Peter is a force to be reckoned with. Everything about him screams for attention. He is handsome, intense, fierce, hardworking, loving, possessive and honest man. He is also sarcastic and romantic.
Peter and Nene’s chemistry was palpable.
One afternoon over lunch, Nene asked me, “Natesky, have you ever met anyone and then known within minutes that he’s the most special person you’re ever going to meet in your life?”
She was head over heels in love.
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Office affair! Exciting, right?
Bad idea.
Think it through; an office romance can torpedo your job in the short term or even destroy your career in the long term. It can also permanently stain your reputation. Consensual or not, when you get involved in an office affair, you have crossed the line at work.
“Another important rule of affair-having: Never be discreet at the office.” — Dave Barry
Let me ask you a question.
When you party hard on Saturday, and then get up late on Sunday and spend all day at home relaxing and watching TV, do you feel like getting up and going to work on a Monday?
No, right?
But, if you have a crush on somebody at work, and things are sparking between you two, then even Mondays look as beautiful as weekends. That is the thing about office romance. It takes out the ‘boring’ from work and hence is absolutely irresistible.
Another reason for it being too tempting is that you see that person all the time. You cannot cut yourself out to give yourself a break and divert your mind. Office romance makes you look forward to going to work, and is kind of exhilarating.
But, unfortunately, as wonderful as it sounds, it is not a good idea. Here are 9 Reasons Why That Office Affair Is A Bad Idea
1. If it fails, you have to see your ex everyday
“Sometimes it is better to leave your ex in the past than bring your mistakes to the future.” — Anonymous
As was the case with Peter and Nene, their relationship did not work out. If it does not work out for you either, you will have to see your ex and work with him or her everyday.
That is not going to be very pleasant.
You will end the relationship for your own and the other person’s well being but you will have to see them every day, surrounded by a bunch of people who knew you were dating and now you are not.
It will be very awkward and uncomfortable.
God forbid, if you are not the one who ended it, it’ll be worse.
Getting over the breakup will become 1000 times worse. You will see them every day and hence, miss them every day.
And if that person gets into some other relationship with somebody from the same office, you will prefer living in hell rather than around them.
What You Can Do:
Do not get into an office affair.
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2. It will affect your performance at work
“Sometimes we create our own heartbreaks through expectation.” — David Rudisha
Peter was not able to perform efficiently as a manager at our branch because he could not keep Nene accountable. Nene also used their relationship as an opportunity to slack on her roles.
Getting into an office affair is likely to affect your performance at work. This will happen both during and after the relationship.
While you are dating, you’ll be distracted since that person will be around you all the time. You might take extra long lunch breaks, spend too much time near the water cooler etc. and hence your performance will slack.
After the breakup, you will be sad and heartbroken and the person will be there all the time to remind you of that pain.
What You Can Do:
Do not get into an office affair.
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3. You will be the subject of gossip and rumors
“People are quick to believe the bad things they hear about good people.” — Unknown
Exactly 5 weeks after their whirlwind office affair ended, Nene handed in her resignation letter. The rumors and gossip became too hard for her to handle especially since it was mostly attacking her and not Peter.
Workplace romance never stay between just two people.
As soon as the word gets out, all eyes will be on you and the person you are dating.
The constant scrutiny by the peers may put a wedge between you. And, it gets worse after the break-up.
What You Can Do:
Do not get into an office affair.
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4. It can have potential legal consequences
“Without reflection, we go blindly on our way, creating more unintended consequences, and failing to achieve anything useful.” — Margaret J. Wheatley
If one person wants to end the relationship and the other doesn’t, a sexual harassment claim may come up. People tend to ignore this possibility, but it can turn out to be most lethal.
According to Tony Lee, marriage counselor and publisher at the Career Journal, office romance is inevitable at many companies when unmarried people work closely together.
He recommends, however, that colleagues who are dating should find out what their company’s policies and restrictions are on workplace romance so they can avoid improper or embarrassing consequences.
The clause against office romance was added after Peter and Nene’s affair so thankfully, there were no legal implications for them.
What You Can Do:
Do not get into an office affair.
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5. Your co-workers start treating you differently
“How people treat others is a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves.” — Paulo Coelho
People will inherently be human.
Humans judge others, and disrespect people that they feel they are better than. They do not read so much into the fact that karma is real. The judge others and do not care that their judgement is a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves.
If you get caught up in an office romance, your co-workers might judge you and start treating you differently. In some cases, they will outright disrespect you.
A supervisor-subordinate relationship is the worst kind.
People around you can be extremely jealous about the perks you are getting or the way your work lags behind (even if it doesn’t).
Don’t assume that you are surrounded by extremely nice and open minded people who won’t intrude.
What You Can Do:
Do not get into an office affair.
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6. You might start to feel the need for space
“At first it was exhilarating but when I realized it wasn’t going away, it became scary and claustrophobic.” — Sharon Stone
An office affair can become claustrophobic quite fast. You might start to feel the need for space as time goes on.
Taking your work to bed will keep you around it all day long. When are you going to get some time off?
If will decrease your personal space because the moment you step out of office, you won’t be stepping out of that zone.
It can, and eventually will become claustrophobic.
What You Can Do:
Do not get into an office affair.
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7. It rarely blossoms into love
“Many people confuse lust for love. Do not mistake thrust for trust.” — Ana Luciana
In a few rare cases it might blossom into real love, but when it comes to office romance, most of the time, it is just pure lust.
Physical attraction towards people of the same profession and similar interest is very common.
You both might have found some common topics to talk about, or might develop a certain chemistry, but more often than not, it’s purely physical.
What You Can Do:
Do not get into an office affair.
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8. You can’t hide it
“You can run with a lie but you can’t hide from the truth. It will catch you.” — Emily Griffin
If you think you can hide your office affair, you are wrong.
Peter and Nene thought they were being coy about their relationship — but we could all see it clear as day. The covert stares at each other, the giggles in the office corridor, the favors bestowed upon Nene — we could all see it.
You might be thinking that you will escape all the above-mentioned points because you excel at keeping secrets, but even if you are Cersei Lannister from Game of Thrones, you won’t be able to hide your relationship in your office.
Get that straight in your head.
What You Can Do:
Do not get into an office affair.
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9. You create unnecessary chaos and divisions
“Those who cause divisions in order to injure other people; are in fact preparing pitfalls of their own ruin.” — Chinese Proverb
When Peter and Nene broke up, the workplace got divided into teams. I was obviously Team Nene.
There will be people supporting the other person, then there will be people supporting you. Their best friends will think twice before talking to you and vice versa.
The whole office environment will eventually turn hostile.
What You Can Do:
Do not get into an office affair.
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Final Thoughts
What do you do when romance is unavoidable?
Not all office romances fail.
Some go beyond all the stereotypes and turn into successful relationships. But, the odds of that happening are less, so you can take your chances.
Consider the time you usually take to decide whether you want to go out with someone or not, and double it. Think everything through, and make sure that it is not a fling.
If you think the person is totally worth all these risks, then go for it.
Generally speaking, I think getting into an office affair is a bad idea.
And now your thoughts…
What do you think is the best way to navigate romance in the office? What would you have advised Peter and Nene to do?
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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