“It is amazing how someone can break your heart and you still love them with all the little pieces.” Ella Harper
Heartbreak is a vicious beast.
In my experience, it felt like someone had ripped my heart violently out of my chest, threw it into a blender and ground it into 1,000 bits and pieces. He did not then put it back where it belonged in my chest so there was a gaping, painful wound where my heart used to be.
And I still loved him in my brokenness.
In due time, my heart morphed into a cold icebox because it hurt too much to feel anything. I felt that it was best if I hardened it to all emotions. My whole world had fallen apart and I did not know if the light at the end of the tunnel was the other end or an oncoming train.
It took time but I eventually healed and moved on. You can, too.
According to this Psychology paper published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, by Baumeister, R. F., Wotman, S. R., & Stillwell, A. M. (1993), Unrequited love emerged as a bilaterally distressing experience marked by mutual incomprehension and emotional interdependence.
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The American Psychological Association acknowledges that when a relationship ends, it can be immensely heartbreaking. We all cope with breakups in our own individual way with some people seemingly getting over someone quickly while others take a lot longer.
Moving on from someone you loved deeply is terribly hard.
If you are one of those people who take ages to recover from a breakup then you are definitely not alone. We are always told that after the initial shock and sadness that it’s plain sailing from there on in. But is this really the case? For me, no.
Getting out there again is extremely daunting or not even close to being on our radar and this is okay. It’s okay to feel sad and numb for a while, after all, it is a grieving process and it needs to be seen through to the end before we can start to heal ourselves.
Whatever stage you’re at, whether you’re at the beginning or perhaps it’s been months or years and you still find yourself mourning over the relationship, it’s all normal. As much as they feel terrible, your negative feelings and emotions are leading you on to the road to recovery so don’t feel bad for still feeling them — it just means you’re still healing and that’s a good thing.
Moving on from someone you loved deeply is really tough, but many times is absolutely necessary.
Here are 9 strategies you can use to help you move in a positive direction; allowing yourself to heal while shifting your mindset to one of recovery and peace.
I can’t promise that this will happen in the amount of time you wish it would, but I guarantee you, it helps.
1. Allow Yourself To Feel The Emotions
“Feel the feeling but do not become the emotion. Witness it. Allow it. Release it.” — Crystal Andrus
Negative emotions are often demonised and we are made to feel as though feeling sad, angry and hurt is not good for us.
We absolutely need to go through the grieving process and that brings denial, anger, blame, depression, desperation, false hope and many more in between. Often these emotions go around in circles so it can feel as though you’re getting over it but then some come back to whack you straight in the face again.
It may feel like the hurt is endless but remember to go with it — accept the feelings for what they are; a means to an end.
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2. Release Anger And Blame
“The elimination diet: Remove anger, regret, worry, resentment, guilt, and blame. Then watch your health and life improve.” — Charles F. Glassman
Although embracing our negative emotions are good, holding on to anger and blame for too long can have a detrimental effect on ourselves and others.
When we spend too much time in a space of blaming the other person for the way we feel, we are taking away our power and essentially giving it to them. It acts as a hindrance to our recovery and makes the process that much longer.
Remember that no one is really to blame no matter what happened to end the relationship — bitterness can eat away at you and it’s important to recognise when this is taking over your thoughts and feelings.
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3. Take your time
“Take all the time you need to heal emotionally. Moving on doesn’t take a day. It takes a lot of little steps to be able to break free of your broken self.” — Unknown
Remember that there is no time limit when it comes to matters of the heart. Take your time to heal.
It is impossible to place a time limit to how long it will take to get over someone you love. You have probably heard the phrase ‘time’s a healer’ and it is — but this also makes us feel pressured to get over something quicker than we can.
We feel ashamed if it’s been months or even years and we still don’t feel we’ve moved on. Always remember that it’s okay. Don’t beat yourself up about taking your time to heal as there really is no time limit.
Take your time. Give your heart a chance to heal.
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4. Delete your Ex From Your Life. Literally.
“You cant start the next chapter if you keep rereading the last one.” — Anonymous
In this day and age, we are bombarded by other people’s lives. Seeing what your ex is up to is ridiculously easy to do but the problem with this is that you’re not giving yourself space to heal.
If you’re finding it hard to let go of someone then you need to consider removing them from all social media including your phone. This may feel like the last thing you want to do but sometimes the best things to do aren’t always the most comfortable.
Remember that you are doing this for yourself and no one else.
Seeing what they are up to all the time is only opening the emotional wound over and over again and that wound will never have its chance to heal. After the initial sadness of deletion, you will feel very empowered and this empowerment will be good for your soul.
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5. Journal Your Emotions
“Journaling is like whispering to oneself, and listening at the same time.” — Mina Murray
There’s a wonderful power in writing things down.
Journaling your feelings may seem straight out of a 90s TV show but it has great healing qualities. Write down how you feel, read it back to yourself, throw it away or box it up.
Seeing your feelings down on paper can help your mind gain perspective and see things from another point of view. Another great thing to do is to write down a list of all the parts of the past relationship that annoyed or irritated you.
A lot of the time we romanticise about the past and remember it better than it was. Writing down the negatives will serve as a reminder and will help when you have moments of relapse.
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6. Convert Your Feelings Into Positive Energy
“We are all energy and energy never dies. It just changes from one form to another.” — Nikola Tesla
Although sitting around eating all the chocolate and binge-watching TV shows is a great thing to do initially, there needs to come a time when being proactive is a must to get our lives going again.
If you’re still not up for seeing people or socialising then start an exercise routine. Go running, walking or cycling — anything that will get those endorphins going. Exercise is an excellent catalyst to recovery — it will clear and calm your mind and reduce any stress.
Being around people also really helps speed up recovery. Immersing yourself around people who love you serves as a gentle reminder that love doesn’t just exist in romantic relationships — friends and family can help you get out of that funk all the more quickly.
Consciously convert your feelings of misery into positive energy.
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7. Be Kinder To Yourself
“Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping.” — Jordan B. Peterson
Jordan Peterson is a Canadian professor of psychology, clinical psychologist, YouTube personality, and author. In his book the 12 Rules For Life, Dr Jordan points out that humans are usually very kind towards people placed in their care even when they do not extend that same courtesy towards themselves.
I agree.
It is generally important to learn how to be kinder to yourself. It is especially important to be kinder to yourself when trying to move on from someone you loved deeply.
It’s very easy to fall into the trap of over-analysing why the relationship ended and wondering if there was something you could have done differently.
These thoughts really serve us no purpose other than to torture ourselves. It’s common to fantasise about how you could have done better or regretting something you said or did that you feel could have contributed to the end of the relationship but the reality is that there really is nothing you could have done.
Your mind can go into over-drive sometimes but you need to do all you can to calm it down — whether it’s using yoga or meditation techniques or trying to focus on something else entirely.
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8. You Will Fall In Love Again
“You only learn to love again when you fall in love again.” — Adele
We live on a planet with billions of people. It can feel like that person was the only one for you but we all know that isn’t the case.
You probably believe that no one else will make you laugh like that again, or have so much in common with you and yes, that may be true. But everyone is unique in their own way and there will be someone (or many more people) who will connect and bond with you in so many awesome ways.
There was a reason that the relationship didn’t work out and it’s simply because you weren’t meant to be together but that doesn’t have to be a sad thought. You grew as a person and that will only serve you well for the next amazing person to enter your life.
It might not be soon but it will happen — just have faith it will all work out.
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9. Love Yourself
“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and attention.” — Buddha
When we go through a heartbreaking separation, it’s very easy to blame ourselves and believe that we just weren’t good enough for them or the relationship.
Even the most confident people can get an attack of unworthiness issues so don’t beat yourself up. However, it’s crucial to remember that your worth is not tied to them — you are your own person.
As much as you may think it, your identity is not, and was not, tied to the relationship you had. Remembering to love yourself is probably the most important thing you can do after a breakup.
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In conclusion, I know it is hard to move on from someone you loved deeply but I hope that these 9 strategies I have shared above will help.
I promise that you will see light at the end of the tunnel one day.
Fundamentally, you will feel like you are in some kind of darkness for a while. It can be a scary and daunting place especially if you haven’t experienced a serious breakup before.
But as much as you probably can’t imagine it or think about it, there will come a day when you’ll come out the other side. It will feel wonderful and natural, you’ll feel whole again, you’ll be able to laugh and smile without thinking of them and most importantly, you will be a stronger and better person because of it.
You may feel alone but millions of people have been through the exact same process in their own unique way and have seen the light at the end of the tunnel.
Use this as a reminder and a testament to the fact that you will also get through this too.
I wish you love in your relationships.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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