Grace Biskie knows you’re just curious, but for the sake of her sons, please keep your curiosity to yourself.
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I am racially Italian-American & African-American. I am a biracial, self-identifying, culturally & ethnically black American woman living in the segregated Midwest. I grew up in Detroit, one of the most segregated cities in America.
I am often mistaken for being Latina-American & one time, white. Outside of the U.S. in countries as varied as Kenya to Switzerland people seem to think I’m Egyptian. My hair style also makes a big difference in racial perception.
My husband is a white American with German Heritage.
—->He is often mistaken, never. When he is with our children, he does not field questions or snide remarks about his or their identity, not ever.
My children are also biracial.
—-> The oldest child has big curly hair like mine but with a texture more similar to whites curly hair (but verythick). He is often mistaken as Jewish or Latino-American almost never correctly identified as having Italian, German or African-American heritage.
—-> The youngest child has straight hair with big waves. He is often mistaken as not-my-child.
We don’t look all THAT different to me. They are 8, 4. In the 8 years I’ve parented them, I’ve learned (mourned) one sad fact: people see them as white. People see me as not-white. When we are together sans my white husband, people don’t see us belonging to one another, which is fine. What is not fine? When comments and remarks are simply over the top, disrespectful and aggressive without concern.
In an effort to understand a racially ambiguous ethnic minority carting around two white children, I become the help, the caretaker, the nanny, even the kidnapper.
In an effort to understand a racially ambiguous ethnic minority carting around two white children, people allow their curiosity about our family to target us in racially charged, albeit un-inentional micro aggressions that hurts both my boys & myself.
9 things i want to say (but don’t) to your curious yet racially charged microaggressions against me & my children
10. Random Stranger: Hola!
Me: We don’t actually speak Spanish. Thank you for attempting to connect to us any old way.
9. Random Stranger: Oh look at his curly hair, can I touch it?
Me: No. Neither of us are here to entertain you.
8. Random stranger: He looks just like his Dad!
Me: Are you saying this because his Dad is white? Actually he looks a lot like me.
7. Random Stranger: They don’t look like you at all! They have NO melanin!
Me: Thanks but no thanks that good-for-nothing racially charged micro-aggression!
6. Random Stranger: Where did you get them from?
Me: My vagina. Crazy thing happened: I pushed them right out of it!
5. Random Stranger: Are they yours?
Me: Nope. I just let these random white kids call me, Mama.
4. Random Stranger: Are they your husbands from a 1st marriage?
Me: I can’t see how that’s any of your business, but yes, I stole them from her while she wasn’t looking.
3. Random Stranger: They look so white!
Me: Thanks but no thanks for that good-for-nothing racially charged micro-aggression!
2. Random Stranger: Are you sad they don’t look very black? I wish they looked more black.
Me: Thanks but no thanks for that good-for-nothing- racially charged micro-aggression!
the #1 most offensive and painful microagression is (and i did say these things)
::::Drumroll::::
1. Random Stranger: (Takes Rhys’ hand while he’s 1 ft. in front of me)…let’s go find your Mommy!
Me: “excuse me! That is my son!”
Random stranger: (kneels down) “honey, is THIS your, Mommy?”
Rhys (3 yrs. old): “No, that’s my MAMA.”
Random Stranger: well then, what is her name?
Rhys: CLUELESS.
Me: Excuse me! Let go of my son.
Random Stranger: (Turns to Ransom) Honey, is this your Mommy? If so, what is her name?
I. nearly. flipped. my. freaking. lid. Why should I have to deal with a white woman feeling justified to walk off with MY children because she doesn’t believe they are with me? I understand the desire to protect children yet, I found this woman’s behavior to be appalling, confusing and hurtful for my children.
Honorable Mention: When airport security asked me to “surrender my child” over to the authorities until proof of his identity could be established because I had forgotten his birth certificate for the return flight.
What I wanted to say: Surrender these nuts!
What I said: Lock me up. Whatever dude. I am not leaving my 8 mo. old nursing child in an airport “with the authorities” UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, are you people out of your minds?!?! You cannot be serious. You cannot take my child. No. No. No. No. NO. (Clearly, I needed a minute).
How it got resolved: I have a white husband.
my advice
For the sake of my precious boys, please don’t let your curiousity get the best of you. Truly, it is none of your business. Not even a smidge. Unless a child is in clear and probable danger we need not police each multi-racial family.
When you come across a family that’s different, remember this: your knowing the exact circumstances of a multi-racial (ethnic or cultural) family story is not worth the potential pain, shame & confusion it will bring on both the parents & children by being a nosy-noserson. You don’t need to know. The end.
These are MY babies. And we are beautiful.
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Originally appeared at GraceBiskie.com
Inspired by these two posts: 21 Racial Microaggressions You Hear on a Daily Basis and 13 Things You Should Never Say To a Woman of Only Sons Who Have Curly Hair
What’s wrong with being viewed as Hispanic? I like being taken for a Hispanic person because I like Hispanics and identify with them. It gives me a sense of belonging. The culture of the Spanishspeaking Carribean is a bit like all there is for us. I’m also often seen as Arab but Arabs themselves. I don’t mind. The only thing I really can’t stand is to be constantly bothered by African men in the street because American media told them that mulattoes were black.
I just wanted to say that your older son (2nd grade: 2nd grade photos) looks just like you did as a kid. Also, hating this for you and it scares me that I might go through that airport situation or stranger asking to justify mother connection situation; most of the rest I’ve already been through and it does hurt like hell. I’m glad my daughter hasn’t been old enough to understand yet. May the Creator continue to bless you and your family.
Your family is beautiful. Period.
The ignorance and unkindness of strangers is only surpassed by some family members who make it a point to point out that your child looks “different”.
When my son was small I used to ask people who inquired about our relationship, if they were “lookin” for a loss child .
That served to shut them up
So sorry that this as happened to you and apparently so many others. It makes me so sad. I am a dark skinned Mexican woman whose children are very white. I have never had this experience and am not sure what would do if I did. The closest is when my oldest was in kindergarten a little girl did not believe that I was her mom at first. It was a little upsetting for my daughter, but explained it to her= and she was okay.
Yes Grace i totally understand as well. I’m black, I’m a nice dark brown color skin, and my son is half white (German/Irish) and the black part (me) is Haitian. He is often mistaken as hispanic. But I do come across hurtful statements ppl make. The #1 I used to get, just like you said, was being mistaken for his nanny, because I’m black and he’s so light skinned. But when he’s with his father they fit together like a puzzle. Theones who always have to ask too are white ppl. They always just straight up say “Oh he’s so… Read more »
I’ve been asked if I’m the nanny or introduced as the nanny by black and white people. Maybe that’s New York but I don’t find the rude assumption limited by race although I do know that it may be neighborhood dependent. My daughter’s half brother’s mom is Dominican and says while she gets stares, she’s never been asked the nanny question regarding her son who is pale/blue-eyed/bright blonde whereas her aunt who takes her son everywhere around the city has been asked. I think mommy hasn’t been asked because she doesn’t take him out of Washington Heights often (Wash Heights… Read more »
Your children are beautiful, and you sound like a wonderful, loving mother!
It is unfortunate that many people cannot keep their comments to themselves. I am a caucasian woman, and I too grew up in segregated Detroit. I have an 8 mo old baby boy who is nearly as dark as his African American father. Once, while sitting in the waiting room at the Pediatrician’s office, a black woman remarked suspiciously “he looks a little too dark to be yours”. I had to bite my tongue. It goes both ways–white people can be the target of racism as well. That said, I would never try to argue that we struggle anywhere close… Read more »
Thank you, great article, great insight… Beautiful lady and family! No story to share, though I could (as step parent of bi-racial children)… your story speaks volume to many others. Bless you, good day, continue loving your family… May your boys pass the love on and on!
Grace, I love your piece and sharing your experience. I sometimes just don’t get why people think they can say such things to strangers. Even asking if they can touch your child! That would drive me crazy! People let their own desires to say and ask what they *feel* like saying and asking and doing, they do not think about how their actions affect the people who are forced to be the receiving end of it. I experience something simliar myself. Not because of my race but because of my size. I’m a pretty petite girl and people can’t seem… Read more »
What a bunch of Cuties! It’s always a weird thing for me to hear about. I am a mid-western white guy, and I would be outraged to hear anything like this happening to anyone. To be colorblind is to be ignorant. But to be rude is to be rude. I am ashamed that there still exists people that even bring up any such prejudices. In the pictures attached to this article, all I see is beauty. I have had friends end their lives over situations like this. It hurts my heart that anyone can think of a human as anything… Read more »
Ugghh. So sorry you have to experience this kind of BS. And it’s extra special for you, getting the “you must be the nanny” crap. I wonder to what extent this kind of thing is avoidable though. People instinctively expect kids to look like their parents, and if they look different, subconscious alarm bells may go off. I have a white friend who has two adopted kids who are African-American, and one day he found himself surrounded by a busload of black folks who saw him restraining his toddler (who was having a tantrum and attempting to run off) and… Read more »
Holding down a screaming toddler of another race might set off bells. Drilling a toddler who tells you this is his Mama a couple of times is beyond concern. It’s ignorant and rude.
Aside from it not being anyone else’s business, if they really looked at your faces, they would see how much you and your son actually look alike! People are stupid and I’m sorry you have to deal with all of that. Your family is beautiful!!!
Hey there. I know the feeling of racial tension. My sister and I are both adopted. She was born in Tegucigalpa, Honduras and I from Calcutta, India. Our mom is from Trinidad, and our dad is from West Chester, Pennsylvania, LOL. But I would not have it any other way. Ugh…. to this day, if my mother isn’t with us, people still stop us and ask my father if his ‘new young wife’ (apparently me) is treating him well, since “appallingly enough”, it’s crazy for someone to have children of another descent,/race/color etc. etc., go figure. *Shakes fists* Thank you,… Read more »
Thank you for this. My situation is the exact opposite because I am white and my children are half white and half Mexican, looking more Mexican than white. Their coloring is pretty dark. I get stares of all kind, especially from the Latino community. When my parents are out with my kids, they also get stares. I laugh to myself every time it happens, and thank the Lord that I am the better person. It is so sad that ignorance is so prevalent. Thanks for sharing your story.
I apologize that the world is ignorant. My husband has a a quarter of irish and our second daughters hair is curly curly curly. So they ask where did she get that hair from , I say “her scalp”. People are just ignorant. I am sorry that you have gone thru all that, you guys are beautiful!!!!
Hello Grace, I feel your pain. As a brown woman with a diverse family (white hubby, bio son and daughter adopted from China) the questions from strangers is always shocking and just down right rude. Our family favorite when we are at a restaurant is “Is this together”? When my daughter and I are out together and we get that insane question of “Is this together” she calls me Mom as loud as she can and I call her daughter even louder. The sales person usually gets the point. Since I am a teacher by trade, my natural instinct is… Read more »
Sonja, I’m sure you do experience alot of rudeness. I just wanted to say that even when my Mom and I go out, we are asked if we want a seperate check sometimes. I look a lot like her. It’s farily obvious we are mother and daughter to a lot of people. I suspect that the question is to just be polite. Once you’re no longer a teenager anymore (and maybe your daughter is?) I think service people don’t always know how patrons what to have a bill charged. And they see so many types of families, some families probably… Read more »
UN-FLIPPING BELIEVABLE. But then again, very believable. That’s some crazy stuff and some crazy people.
1st world problems. So cute.
Yeah, fuck all the motherfuckers with racist shit on their mind. We are all humans. We are all humans. We are all humans. Bless you and your family, Grace.
I am so shocked to read this. Horrified that someone could try to take your children away! I would be interested to know if you have a similar experience while travelling in the UK which I hope would be a far less judgemental place!
You are right they are beautiful, and I happen to think they look more like you than their father. I’m sorry you’ve suffered because of the ignorance of others.
I am a white man, one of whose sons is from India. We’ve been lucky in that people have always seemed to realize we are a family and when my son was younger people often just watched us and smiled. Most likely that was because he was cute and likeable. He has told me that he has often been asked about me (as I’m white) by people who knew him first, then see me or a picture of me. The odd thing to me is that he lives in a major American city with a very high percentage of people… Read more »
Please take this in the spirit in which its intended… I think the highest courtesy I can pay you is this: I DON’T GIVE A S***. If I were to see you and your kids walking down the street I would think nothing more than “Oh look, a black lady and her kids. Who cares. Moving along.” That’s assuming I even noticed in the first place, which I probably wouldn’t. Who are these people who have nothing better to do the poke there nose in on other peoples business, with no regard for respect or courtesy? Narcissism- the plague of… Read more »
First those boys are just adorable and are just the way they were meant to be. The oldest and his mother’s photo when they were the same age, they nearly look like twins. It’s extremely sad to see the ignorance of people. The number of multiracial/multicultural families is climbing along with mixed children (of all mixtures) that will come in every shade. (Even having full blood siblings that can vary in skin complexion/ hair texture.) Its not just multiracial / multicultural families growing. Families/people adopting children that are a different race and/or cultural and even step-families where the family has… Read more »