James and I just celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary. As far as long term marriages go, we’re still wet behind the ears. However, we’ve seen some shit in this union. It certainly hasn’t all been rainbows and butterflies.
I want to take credit for our marriage success (and he’d probably let me), but when I sit down to think about it, I have to admit that my husband is a champ when it comes to relationships.
He makes efforts that I see so many people ignoring. We all know that Marriage isn’t easy. It takes work. It takes compromise. However, there are so many small gestures we can do that will help a relationship grow stronger rather than apart.
He creates memories
James loves to make memories with me. Once, he woke me up in the middle of the night (a risk in and of itself as I am not pleasant when being woken up) because there was a meteor shower happening. He wrapped me in a blanket, and we sat outside on our deck and watched the stars fall. We didn’t even talk, we just stargazed, and it was a beautiful moment.
On another occasion, I woke up to his frantic face next to mine. He was saying, “Linds, you gotta wake up and come see this!” I didn’t know what was so important, but it must have been because why else would he be waking me up out of a dead sleep?
I staggered out to the kitchen and looked out the window where he was pointing. In the house adjacent to us, our neighbours were engaging in coitus against their living room window.
One could say we did some moon gazing that night. Memories. They are important.
He puts aside embarrassment.
When we had our son, Lars, the labour did not go well. I’m not going to get into some long-winded story about my delivery because nobody enjoys reading birth stories. The short of it is, after 36 hours of contractions, I had to get an emergency c-section. The OBGYN on duty was overworked and accidentally sliced an artery while digging around in there for the baby (I’m a whiz at technical, medical terms, I know). I had to get a blood transfusion, and the doctor told James that I might not pull through.
Spoiler alert: I made it! However, my recovery was long and humiliating. I had puffed up to the size of a whale and had to use compression stockings so I wouldn’t get blood clots. From being sliced open, stapled up, then cut open again to cauterize the injured artery, I had lost all core strength and couldn’t even lower myself onto a toilet.
James and I had our children relatively young. He was 19 at the time and stood by me every minute I was in that hospital recovering. He lowered me to the toilet and wiped me. He changed my pads when necessary. James did what he had to make me feel okay with being a complete and utter invalid for the first few months of parenthood. All at the age of 19.
There was never even a question as to if he would do these things for me. He just did it. He put aside his embarrassment towards the situation, and he stepped up.
He is open to discussion.
We have very differing opinions on topics ranging from politics to social sciences. James is a brilliant guy. He reads anything he can get his hands on. When we first met, he was one of those people who didn’t believe in feminism. I know, ridiculous.
The problem is, so much anti-feminist propaganda is out in the media. It is difficult for some people to understand what the movement is truly about. They think its all man-hating and bra-burning. When really, it’s none of those things.
After nearly ten years of discussing this topic, James now proudly calls himself a feminist.
This is not to say that your spouse should adopt all of your beliefs. But having the ability to speak candidly about these topics is such an essential aspect of a relationship. After all these years of having conversations about feminism and showing him the struggles that I’ve personally seen, he now better understands what the movement is all about.
Likewise, I’ve learnt many ideals and new values from him too. Relationships don’t mean having to surrender your beliefs. Instead, it means being open enough to listen and learn from the people you trust and respect.
He is a full-time parent.
This doesn’t apply to all relationships, I realize, but for those with kids, or fur babies, you’ll want to listen up. If your spouse refuses to change a diaper or calls looking after the kids’ babysitting,’ you need to reevaluate that relationship.
I apologize for my brazenness here, but this is the cold hard truth. Bringing a child into the world means that now, this child is 100% your responsibility. If you are fortunate to have both parents enlisted in the parenting process, then both parents should be in it 100%.
James works a lot, so obviously, certain things fall to me, like parent-teacher interviews, doctor’s appointments and so forth. However, he takes on these tasks whenever he can because he wants to be involved in our children’s lives as much as me. He knows how important this is not only for the kids but also by taking on a full-time parent commitment, he is taking some of the pressure off of me.
He makes me laugh
There should always be some mutual ground for humour in a relationship. James’ jokes are the corniest dad jokes on the face of the planet, but they still make me roll over laughing when he pulls them out.
If you cannot laugh with your spouse, it will be a long road ahead. Whether we like to admit it or not, our spouses should indeed be our best friends. They are the people with whom we plan to spend the rest of our lives.
There is no better feeling than laying in bed on lazy Sunday mornings, laughing hysterically at some weird diatribe your spouse is muttering in their sleep-deprived state about how they can’t understand why you don’t like sauerkraut.
Laughing with our loved ones only grows the bond closer. How could it do anything else?
He tells me when he is upset.
James and I are very different people when it comes to showing our emotions. I’m a need-to-get-this-off-my-chest, or I might explode sort of person. I usually do explode regardless of if I hold it in or not. James is an I’ m-going-to-bottle-this-up and not tell anyone about my feelings because it is the biggest secret ever type of person.
After many years of fighting and arguing over miscommunication, we’ve learned how to communicate our emotions to one another. I don’t push him into talking if he can’t at the moment, and in turn, he will take the time he needs to work out his emotions. All the while, knowing we will eventually speak about what needs to be communicated.
He works on himself
It is so important in a relationship to work on oneself as well as on the relationship. James is continually looking at new ways to improve himself as an individual. He is always self-studying topics of interest.
When we choose to work on ourselves and grow, we feel more confident in our personal growth. In turn, this helps our confidence in the relationships that surround us.
He makes space for the things I love
James is not a dog person. However, six months ago, we found ourselves with an 18-month-old German Shepherd pup named Lucy. I immediately fell in love, and James knew he was helpless to get rid of her. From the first day she slept at the end of our bed, she was part of the family.
As mentioned, James is much better at this relationship thing than me, as evidenced in the fact that I didn’t even give James an option as to if we’d keep the dog or not. I just took her in without asking him. Yeah, I have to work on some stuff.
Either way, my darling husband saw how much I loved the doggo, and he began making efforts to like her too.
Now, six months later, Lucy and James are best friends.
He dreams of our future.
James and I both are dreamers, and we love to consider and make goals for our future. This is the most important aspect of crafting a long and healthy relationship. If you can work together to make attainable goals and projections for the future, that is the first step. It’s an ongoing process. We are continuously looking at expectations for tomorrow as individuals and as a couple.
To Recap:
- Healthy couples make efforts to create memories together.
- They put aside embarrassment to help one another flourish.
- Discussion about everything and anything should always be a priority.
- They take on raising children as a joint effort.
- Confident couples enjoy laughing together.
- They speak candidly about their feelings.
- They grow as individuals.
- They learn to love the things their spouses love.
- Strong couples dream of a strong future.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Alice Donovan Rouse on Unsplash