As the NFL game unfolds, so does a conversation.
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I am not a lover of sports. Perhaps at fault is that summer spent at the neighborhood basketball court in 100-degree heat, dreaming of one day joining the WNBA. Monday – Friday, 12:00 -3:00. One free shot after another, alone, sweating out the wimpy old me, conditioning for my badass future on the hardwood.
Then 8th grade tryouts came. After making first round cuts, I hovered within reach of Step One on the road to glory. My three best friends had made it through too. Though they hadn’t practiced as much (not at all, actually), still no matter. We were going to rock the middle school team. Together.
So the fateful day I saw that final cut roster posted on the locker room door was one of the worst days of my entire life. There were several names printed up there, all three of my best friends included. But no me.
At that moment, some rebel of my subconscious must have hijacked the other warring impulses of my id and declared: Sports! No!
I have spent the following twenty years of my life indifferent and mostly oblivious to professional sporting events.
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My family is another story. Colorado natives, they are big-time Broncos fans, and none so much as my younger sibling, heretofore referred to as Charlie. Charlie was in town visiting for the past week, and I decided to see what it was like to watch an NFL game with a football fanatic, and if there was anything I might learn from experiencing this weekend ritual with a true believer.
The Place: Irish pub, downtown Miami. The Game: New England Patriots vs. New Jersey Jets.
I found out Broncos fans – or at least Charlie – really dislike the Patriots, and Tom Brady especially. I found out Fantasy Football has catalyzed some serious conspiracy theories. I found out players have to be out of high school at least three years before being drafted into the NFL.
I found out people Google some really weird questions about college players…
Choice snippets from our conversation:
On the Patriots:
Me: So what do you think of the Patriots?
Charlie: I don’t like them. Brady [Quarterback Tom Brady] for the majority of his schedule gets the hardest games at home. So he gets home team advantage with harder games. “Somehow.”
Me: Really?
Charlie: (watching TV screen) I would really like Brady to get sacked right now. Sack attack.
Me: Wow. You really don’t like them.
Charlie: If you look into the Patriot’s background, they are the shadiest team out there.
Me: But do you think you’d be a fan, if you lived in Boston?
Charlie: No. They’re an embarrassment to the NFL, quite frankly.
On Tim Tebow:
Me: Okay. Who do you like, quarterback-wise?
Charlie: (thinks) Um. Tim Tebow.
Me: Really?
Charlie: He wins unconventionally, even without a great pass record. Plus he was a good person. If I can’t respect who a person is off the field, why should I respect them on?
On Player Concussions:
Me: Do you ever feel hesitation watching, given how hurt these guys can get?
Charlie: I do… But these guys get paid mega bucks. And they know the risks.
On Playing in London:
Me: What do you think about London getting a team?
Charlie: I don’t think it will work. Too much jet lag.
On the Appeal of Football Fandom:
Me: Why do you look forward to it, to watching games?
Charlie: Because I believe the NFL, especially if you look at Robert Goodell, there’s a lot of money in football.
Me: You look forward to that?
Charlie: Yes, because I like to believe that it’s not. Any given Sunday, any team could win.
On Fantasy Football:
Me: Okay, back to the money thing. How does Fantasy play into that?
Charlie: Because people are betting on games in mass amounts. And players are probably getting paid off to pay back the betters.
Me: I’ve never heard this before. Where have you heard this?
Charlie: Because if you look at Fantasy, if you look at Draft Kings, coaches want their teams to be on there. Like before the [Superbowl 2015 lineup] Seahawks V Broncos, many people thought it was gonna be them.
Me: But that could just be looking at the teams ahead of time, you know? Seeing that these are two good teams.
Charlie: But I’ve heard from many people.
Me: Who? Who are your inside sources?
Charlie: Well… I’m not gonna say.
On the Appeal of Football, Round Two:
Me: What do you like about football?
Charlie: I like that it’s a competitive game, I like that it’s a fast moving game.
Me: But it’s absolutely not a fast-moving game, it moves in five-second spurts, and then there’s like a minute of downtime in between every play.
Charlie: It’s not a low-scoring game, okay? There’s a lot of scoring that goes on.
On the Superiority of College Football:
Me: Do you think college football is more authentic because there’s no Fantasy element in it?
Charlie: It is, definitely.
***Player down on the field****
Charlie: This is what you don’t like to see in football. Who went down? It’s somebody on the offensive line, I think… I don’t like all the concussions. They used to think that helmets protected the brain, so I do feel bad for the older football players who had no idea. Helmets do protect the skull, but they don’t protect the brain.
Pause
On the Patriots, Again:
Charlie: I just don’t like New England. I think that if somebody did an investigation into their background, they’d have awards taken away.
Me: Why do people not care [about Deflategate]?
Charlie: Because they picked the wrong game to expose them. If they had picked the Baltimore game, where the score was close, I think people would have actually cared.
Me: Wouldn’t the deflated ball help the other team as much as it helped Brady?
Charlie: No, because quarterbacks all like their ball differently. Peyton Manning likes them overinflated, Brady like them underinflated, they all like them different ways.
Me: Okay. So why don’t people care?
Charlie: Because it’s Tom freakin-Brady. People think he’s a god. And because Roger Goodell is super close to the Patriots.
Pause
On the Possible Implosion of Football:
Me: Wouldn’t it be nice to see it all implode?
Charlie: It will.
On Tom Brady:
Me: Do you think it would be the same if Tom Brady were not so attractive?
Charlie: I think Tom Brady is a good quarterback, I just think they like to cheat. They like to beat the system.
On Broncos Fans Really Hating the Patriots:
Me: Okay, let’s change the topic here. What was the most fun game you’ve ever watched?
Charlie: When the Broncos kicked the crap out of the Patriots when they played in the Superbowl semi-finals.
On College Players Getting Paid and the Weird Google Searches People Do About Them:
Me: Okay, let’s really change the topic. Do you think college football players should be paid?
Charlie: No because they’re getting a free college education.
Me: But a lot of them don’t graduate, and a lot of them lose their scholarships if they get inured.
Charlie: They try to make sure they graduate.
Me: Really?
Charlie: Yeah. You can’t play right out of high school.
As I began to Google this, the automated Search Result list revealed these top three searches:
Do college football players wear cups?
Do college football players smoke weed?
Do college football players make money?
On How Charlie Really, Really, Really Doesn’t Like the Patriots:
Charlie (still watching game): Is that still in play? Well Brady shouldn’t have even had a chance to play the first four games. Bill Belichikck and Brady shouldn’t be allowed to play together. Belichick should be suspended as it is.
I mean Spygate was such a catastrophe. They were videotaping people’s practices.
Me: Wait, this was them again? Were they sending drones?
Charlie: No. They were sending spies, to tape their [other team’s] practices. In fact, if it made any sense at all (zones out, watching game)… So I think there should be tougher rules, if it wasn’t Bill that had done that, that coach would probably have been fired.
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Photo: Getty Images