Read this dating story as it unfolds and decide if she should stay or go…
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‘Laurie’ was dating ‘Josh’ and wanted some coaching on whether she should continue to see him. He had many of the qualities on her must-have list; he was kind, financially responsible, fun, and open-minded. She was attracted to him, but there were also some ‘yellow flags’, or warning signs, that popped up from the very beginning that concerned her.
Let’s look at their relationship and figure out if she should stay or go. Are her concerns yellow flags or are they red flags? You be the judge.
Laurie gave me permission to share their text conversations. I’ve changed names and details to protect their privacy. The texts tell a very interesting story of a relationship unfolding. I’ve added my comments in parenthesis, noting where green, yellow, and red flags showed up.
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Josh and Laurie: A Dating Story
Josh and Laurie were planning to get together for their first date on a Sunday evening, but by late afternoon on Sunday, Josh still hadn’t picked a place to meet. Here’s their text conversation from that day.
Josh: Can’t say I have a good meeting place in mind. Just want you to know I’m thinking of us, and chances are we’ll go for a bite to eat, if we are to meet later.
[What did he mean by “if we are to meet later?” They had already planned to meet. Is he changing his mind? The indecision and lack of commitment were the first yellow flags to show up.
Is he flaky and unaccountable? Is he going to bale on the date? Maybe he has trouble with commitments?
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Is he flaky and unaccountable? Is he going to bale on the date? Maybe he has trouble with commitments? Laurie had her eyes open, and didn’t want to jump to any conclusions before getting to know Josh better. She decides to suggest a good place to meet.]
Laurie: The rainy weather calls for cozy conversation. How about sushi? I’m familiar with some of the best places in town.
Josh: I like how you pick up the ball : -) How about 6:30? You pick, I pay. [Laurie was pleased that he finally said yes to a plan AND offered to pay, which made that part of the date less awkward. Green flag!]
Laurie: 6:30 sounds perfect. How about Sushi Palace? Sound good?
Josh: Good!
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Date #1
Josh had called ahead and reserved a table. Green flag! He told Laurie how beautiful she was in person, and they had great first date conversations. Lots of smiles exchanged. Good chemistry.
Laurie’s not much of a drinker, and Josh drank most of the bottle.
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They enjoyed the sushi and shared a bottle of Saki. Laurie’s not much of a drinker, and Josh drank most of the bottle. Yellow flag: does he have an alcohol problem? She would keep an eye on that, as untreated addiction is a deal breaker for her.
After dinner, Laurie thanked him and told him how much she enjoyed the date. She said she’d like to see him again.
Josh asked if she was parked in a well-lit spot. He walked her outside, gave her a quick peck on the lips, thanked her for a lovely evening, and began walking towards his car. Why didn’t he walk Laurie to her car? Another yellow flag. Laurie appreciates a man who cares about her safety and walks her to her car at night.
Josh texted her later that evening to tell her how much he enjoyed every second of the date. The next night, he texted again.
Josh: I’ve thought of you often today. All I can truly sum up about meeting you last night is that I’d like to know more. I know there are many layers to you. What about you? It’s okay to be as honest as you want.
[‘It’s okay to be as honest as you want’? Another yellow flag. Was Josh insecure, or was Laurie reading into his words? It’s a little weird to need this kind of feedback about how your date feels about you after just one date.
A confident man doesn’t ask if his date feels the same level of interest after only one date.
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A confident man doesn’t ask if his date feels the same level of interest after only one date. Besides, Laurie had already told him she was interested in seeing him again. Her gut was telling her he might be insecure and needy, but she wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.]
Laurie: Your text made me smile. I, too, thought of you. I look forward to getting to know you better and uncovering some of your layers. When would you like to rendezvous for some layer uncovering?
Josh: Guy smiling! The beauty of the day just became slightly richer. When? When we overlap schedules and windows appear.
[What? Here he goes again, being vague, not committing to a date. This was making Laurie a little concerned. Is this a pattern? For now, it’s a yellow flag.]
Laurie: My windows are ready to be thrown wide open! [She’s letting him know she’s interested in setting a date, but he doesn’t pick up the bait. Frustrating, but still cutting him some slack. She doesn’t want to pursue him, and will see if he asks her out again. If not, she’d move on.]
A few days later, Josh was at a concert and texted her a photo of the band, with the caption, “Wish you were here!”
Yikes. Laurie sees another yellow flag waving; it feels like he’s moving too quickly. They only had one date. She thought, “Maybe he’s just a loving guy who expresses his affection easily.” She was trying really hard to be open, not make assumptions about his character based on her past experience with clingy men.
They spoke that night and had a great conversation. He didn’t come on too strong, and Laurie felt a little more at ease.
The next morning, he texted, calling her ‘baby doll’. Uh oh, here comes that affection again. Too soon. Yellow flags waving!
In the next few texts, he called her Pookie Doll, Lovey, and Dear. Laurie played along, making up some funny pet names to be playful, not taking this pet name thing too seriously.
But she had been in several relationships with men who were on a fast train, falling ‘in love’ after only a few dates. She didn’t trust that type of affection. She wanted to really get to know a man and have him know her, to fall in love with her, not a projection of who he wanted her to be.
She was on high alert. She was committed to pacing her next relationship. As their second date approached, she was going to watch Josh’s actions and see if he was truly moving too quickly, or just comfortable with terms of affection.
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Date #2
The second date was romantic and sweet. Josh gave Laurie a little gift, a bag of candies that he said reminded him of her. Very ‘sweet’, thought Laurie, but she got another little ping in her gut. Yellow flag? Too soon for gifts? It was just a small token, so maybe not…
They walked along the beach and kissed for the first time. She enjoyed the sweetness of those first kisses. They dined at a restaurant with a roaring fireplace and delicious food. The conversation was delightful. He had three glasses of wine, which felt excessive to her. It might be a yellow flag. So far, he drank every time they were together. He wasn’t drunk, so she wasn’t too concerned. And they were both looking forward to the next date.
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Date #3
On the third date, he took her to a concert. Laurie offered to bring a picnic dinner and eat at the beach before the concert. He was being so generous, and she wanted to contribute, too. Josh offered to bring drinks. She was thinking lemonade, but he had a different type of drink in mind. When he took out the beer and wine, she was a little concerned. Maybe alcohol was an issue…
When they got to the concert, he went straight to the bar to order another drink. This yellow flag is turning into a red one…
The concert was fun, and when he saw his friends in the audience, he asked if he could introduce her as his girlfriend.
But the evening ended with an intense make out session, and the red flag was swept under the rug.
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Red flag! Girlfriend on date three? But the evening ended with an intense make out session, and the red flag was swept under the rug. Funny how sex hormones can make you dismiss important alarms going off in your head!
Josh was so turned on, he invited Laurie to come to his apartment. It was an obvious invitation for sex, and Laurie was not ready. But through our work together, she knew how to turn him down gently.
Laurie: I am very attracted to you and look forward to going back to your apartment someday soon. But tonight is too soon for me. I’d like to continue getting to know you. Slow and steady works for me. How do you feel about that?
Josh: It’s ALL okay! Everything seems to happen right on time in its own time.
But Josh’s words didn’t match what he did next. Over the following week, his texts became sparse, phone calls even more spread apart. It was obvious to Laurie that Josh did not take well to her slower pace.
Then, she got this strange text:
Josh: I want to ask you about the strength of the intangible desire of attraction and the role that it plays in relationships. And the role that it does or doesn’t play in ours.
Huh? What did he mean by that? Laurie was confused. She thought he was very attracted to her. He had escalated the relationship so quickly, and wanted to sleep with her just a week before. They spoke on the phone later that day and discussed their attraction for each other.
Josh: Shouldn’t I be thinking of you all day and wanting to be with you? Shouldn’t I be getting butterflies every time I think of you? I’m not, and that concerns me. What about you?
Laurie: (Ouch!) The last time I had intense butterflies, it didn’t end well. That’s lust, and that’s not the only thing I’m looking for. I want to build a lasting relationship. Of course, attraction has to be there, too, and I am attracted to you. I’d really like to get to know you better and not rush or project what might happen in the future. How about you?
Josh: Yes, I feel the same way.
Then, he asked what she was doing that weekend, and they made tentative plans for Saturday night or Sunday morning.
Saturday night, he fell asleep early, so they scheduled a hike for Sunday morning. At 10:00 AM, he texted her:
Josh: I overslept and need to cancel plans. Enjoy your day!
Laurie understood that he was backing out, but he could have been more direct about his feelings. She would have appreciated some sort of explanation.
A few days later, Laurie and Josh talked on the phone. After a brief discussion, it was clear they should call it quits, and they ended the ‘relationship’.
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Yellow flags that became red flags as the dating story unfolded
- Lack of accountability and commitment from the very first date.
- Excessive drinking.
- Words and actions that don’t match.
- Moving too quickly with terms of endearment and calling her his girlfriend on date #3.
- Wanting to have sex before she was ready and not honoring her needs when she said no.
NOTE: When a man wants to have sex before a woman is ready, that’s understandable. He’s a guy, and he connects through sex. It’s not a yellow flag. But the fact that he lost interest after she slowed him down—that was a red flag. He did not respect her needs.
Laurie knows what she wants and needs in a relationship, and even though Josh had many of her relationship requirements, he also had some of her deal breakers.
They would not have been happy together. His vision for a relationship is immature, more like that of an adolescent boy than a grownup man.
What did Laurie do? She used my favorite four-letter word in dating, N-E-X-T! She already has a date with a hot new guy this week. There are plenty of eligible singles, so don’t hold onto anyone who displays yellow flag behaviors that turn into big red flags.
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Keep your eyes open for these beautiful green flags:
- Someone with whom you feel emotionally safe.
- Someone who manages their emotions and can communicate clearly and openly.
- Someone who is financially responsible.
- Someone who takes care of their health and wellbeing.
- Someone with outside interests, a lifelong learner.
- Someone who takes responsibility for their share in the failure of past relationships.
- Someone who loves themselves enough to cherish and respect you.
Have you ever been in a relationship with yellow flags that turned into red ones? Please share your thoughts in the comments below.
Photo: Flickr/Erica Firment
“Josh: Can’t say I have a good meeting place in mind. Just want you to know I’m thinking of us, and chances are we’ll go for a bite to eat, if we are to meet later.” ________________________ Stopped reading right there. Commence launch sequence. Then I read the rest, and I was correct. I’m a little quick on the trigger, but I saw it right off…and I’ve seen this type of guy plenty; I’ve seen this story from women just as often (actually worse). There are so many flags here that I’m not sure where to begin. I do know… Read more »
Well said DJ.
I wish somebody gave me advice like that when I was 17 .
My life would have been a lot different ……
Thank you, Kim. I wish that for a lot of women. It is why I so vehemently support men’s issues as well. If we begin to raise our boys with a solid sense of virtuous masculinity, what I see in many of the male commentators and writers, we help eliminate both the need of women to ‘figure out the games”, as well as save so many broken hearts. In the meantime, we have no right to demand such attention to men’s issues, to even call ourselves men if we are not willing to help our women to survive in the… Read more »
DJ,
You’re not stepping on my articles, you are enhancing them. Keep on doing what you’re doing. You’re helping so many people.
“Engage the brain before the heart, women. Dating is not about meeting people, or being romanced, it is a process of elimination until one finds that good, together man that one enjoys just being around, not policing or trying to figure out. It is also knowing when one is wasting their time. You know what you want in a man, it is up to you to begin the elimination process, wade through the noise until you find them…and do so without being side tracked by the sick, lame, and lazy out there playing your emotions, playing the game, ready to… Read more »
I’m laughing.
Here I go again! …but its true, Sandy. We good guys have been silent for far too long, and we do even ourselves an injustice by allowing us to be painted with some other guys brush, allowing a status quo that should never exist in the minds of women because we have failed to speak up both for ourselves, and to help women navigate treacherous waters that we know like the back of our hand.
Too many shipwrecks in that harbor.
You speak the truth, DJ, where so many don’t have the courage to take a stand for healthy relationships, for helping steer the course and prevent shipwrecks. Here here!
Exit…She made the right decision.
Laurie: “I’d really like to get to know you better and not rush or project what might happen in the future. How about you?”
Josh: “Yes, I feel the same way.”
Josh was being dishonest with his reply. He should have clearly stated what he wanted,even if it was not going to happen with Laurie. At least he would have been honest.
My two cents.
@Julia Byrd,
I agree with your two cents 🙂
Hi Sandy
This is an interesting article . *smile*.