Teaching men about consent is everyone’s responsibility, not just women’s.
—
Statistics can get old fast. They can become numbing, dehumanizing, and detached. They can be misunderstood, ignored, and can become nothing more than a dull hum in the fabric of society. Never has this been more true, or more tragic, than in the case of the statistic of one in five women being the victims of sexual assault or rape.
What most people do not understand, other than those who have experienced sexual violence firsthand, is that what lies beneath the surface of these numbers are stories of lives wrought with severe depression, a dismantled sense of self-worth, PTSD, and self-harm. Put into context, the statistic of one in five should hit like a shockwave from a bomb. Anyone reading this more than likely knows at least one woman who has been sexually assaulted in one form or another.
What’s important is for men to listen, and to respond. Unfortunately, the response has been discouraging.
|
This has been a problem since the beginnings of civilization, yet the conversation revolving around this is relatively new. And while it is necessary, it is unfortunately very lopsided. Coming from personal experience, I can’t think of an instance where I have heard a discussion about this that was initiated by men. There’s no real measurement of this, but when I Google searched articles about sexual assault, the vast majority I found on the first few pages of results were by women.
This doesn’t come as much of a surprise. Naturally, it would be expected that women would be the first ones to speak out about this. This is an essential step that has massive significance in its own right. It is necessary for women to be heard.
But being heard is not enough. What’s important is for men to listen, and to respond. Unfortunately, the response has been discouraging.
◊♦◊
The perception of the conversation has been reduced to an “us versus them” dynamic.
|
I ran across an article by Gretchen Kelly that trended recently entitled “The Thing All Women Do That You Don’t Know About.” This describes the oppression women face daily, the sexism that pervades in society, and the rampant sexual abuse and rape that occurs in the U.S. It served as a raw and unprecedented look into the hardships women face. She ends with a heartfelt plea for men to listen.
While this article was incredibly insightful, what was almost more revealing were the comments attached to it. Just about every comment given by a woman gave massive praise to the article and expressed agreement. And while there were some positive comments from men, there were a large amount that were extremely defensive, even though she acknowledged that there are good men out there. Other comments from men were dismissive of the post. I even noticed a positive comment by a man that was replied to by another man, calling him a “bitch” and a “pussy.” There were other replies similar to this on other positive comments from men.
This sort of phenomenon is an unfortunate reflection of the conversation at large between men and women when it comes to issues of sexism and sexual violence. Men view it as a women’s issue, a feminist “agenda,” or women attacking men. The perception of the conversation has been reduced to an “us versus them” dynamic. This causes men to become defensive when these issues arise.
◊♦◊
Recently, George Lawlor, a student at Warwick University in the U.K. went to The Tab posting in objection to consent classes. He posted a picture of himself holding a sign reading “this is not what a rapist looks like.” Predictably, men were quick to take to the comments section in agreement, while women voiced their frustrations. He argued that most men know exactly the definitions of rape and consent, and that it comes naturally to “the overwhelming majority of people you and I know.”
That last line hangs in the air like a rancid stench. The sad reality is that for most victims of rape, “people you and I know” is a phrase that haunts them daily. According to the National Institute of Justice, about 85 to 90 percent of sexual assaults on college campuses reported by women were by someone they knew. About half happend on a date. Lawlor himself may not be a rapist, but his assertion that people that look like him, clean cut looking college males, are not rapists falls completely flat.
This all feeds into a socialization of men they call “hypermasculinity”, in which aggression towards women is seen as acceptable.
|
The idea that the definitions of rape and consent are general knowledge to men is also fundamentally flawed. A study done by the University of North Dakota studied male perceptions of rape and found results that are very revealing and frankly, deeply disturbing. Of the males who responded, 31.4 percent reported that they would act on intentions to “force a woman to sexual intercourse” if they knew they would get away with it. However when the word “rape” was used, the amount of respondents who said they would act on these intentions dropped to 13.6 percent.
These findings bring to light a multidimensional problem. On one hand, there’s the fact that these findings suggest that one third of college men don’t see any problem with rape. On the other hand it demonstrates that a large portion of men do not see the most clear definition of rape-forcing someone into sex-for what it really is.
To say these findings are difficult to hear is like saying it difficult to swallow a jetliner. They hit like repeated blows to the gut. As a man, I can’t help but think to myself, “What in the hell is wrong with us?” But I can’t live with this. I can’t handle it. It’s simply too much to bear. I can’t be ashamed to identify myself as a man. In this world that we live in, men and women were never meant to live at odds with each other. We were meant to live arm in arm, side by side, as equals in good standing with each other. Perhaps a more difficult, yet more necessary question to ask is this: what went wrong with us?
◊♦◊
All men were once boys. Boys who grew up in a world that told them they had to be strong. A world that told them they had to be aggressive. A world that told them they had to be dominant. A world that told them women were objects to gratify their sexual desires.
Another aspect of the aforementioned study linked willingness to rape a woman to views of women as sexual objects, as well as callous attitudes towards sex and high levels of aggression. This all feeds into a socialization of men they call “hypermasculinity”, in which aggression towards women is seen as acceptable.
When men commit the vast majority of sexual assaults, and sexual assaults are happening at pandemic rates, it can be very easy to just call men out as the problem. And with the continued rhetoric of the subject being talked about as a women’s issue, or being labeled as a feminist topic, it will only continue to fly over the heads of those who need to hear it most. The problem lies not with men themselves, but within the current socialization of men and the pressure to fit into the mold of hypermasculinity.
It takes crushing hypermasculinity by calling it out for what it truly is: a twisted, parasitic set of ideals masquerading as manhood.
|
This is why the conversation surrounding the issue of sexual assault needs an overhaul. The focus needs to shift away from simply pointing out men as the typical culprits, discussing what does and doesn’t constitute consent, or even addressing the hypermasculinity and sexism that perpetuates and excuses sexual assault. While these issues are necessary to talk about and should continue to be talked about, the focus absolutely needs to shift towards a call for men to listen with humility, step up in responsible leadership, and to call out the aspects in male culture that excuse the abuse of women. The change has to come from men. Because, as Jackson Katz puts it, this isn’t a women’s issue. It is a men’s issue.
This change happens when powerful, responsible men intervene in the realms of male culture where these sorts of conversations happen. It takes crushing hypermasculinity by calling it out for what it truly is: a twisted, parasitic set of ideals masquerading as manhood. This needs to happen in the locker room when degrading comments are made. It needs to happen on a poker night when a rape joke is made. It needs to come up between close friends when they talk about women they date. It needs to be talked about when a father talks to his son about how to treat women.
◊♦◊
Change from men also needs to come in the public sphere. After Lawlor made his post objecting to consent classes, another student, Josie Throup, swiftly made a post explaining why consent classes are needed. All her points are sound and based on fact, but at the same time it felt a little hollow.
Her post contained photos of her in front of a sign reading “women’s campaign” and of her holding a sign that read “this is what a consent educator looks like.” Her first sign exemplifies the very thing men so often misunderstand and get defensive about with the use of the word “campaign”. Her last sign unintentionally points out another issue. It reinforces the notion that teaching men about sexual assault is a woman’s job.
Now we owe a lot to the courage and leadership of women who have spoken up on this issue in world that has tried to keep them quiet. I know I wouldn’t be writing this if it weren’t for the women who have so boldly brought it to light. But change won’t happen if the conversations on sexual assault continues to be filed away in the “women’s issues” section.
There needs to be men on college campuses speaking out against sexual assault in front of signs reading “men’s campaign.” Men need to become regulars as consent educators—as peers, teachers, and fathers.
We must continue to listen, with humility and integrity. We now must also show that we have listened, with change, and with action.
Would you like to help us shatter stereotypes about men?
Receive stories from The Good Men Project, delivered to your inbox daily or weekly.
—
Photo: Getty Images
I am a feminist. I agree with most of the comments here. I am becoming increasingly more alienated by mainstream rhetoric about misogyny. I know that misogyny is a thing, and that the rates of sexual assault in this country are ridiculous, but on the flipside there are a host of ways that these stupid gender expectations damage men and I am tired of a culture that seems to be sweeping these issues under the rug because women supposedly are worse off. You know, I don’t know, statistically, maybe we are? But does it even matter? If a system is… Read more »
Going to put it out there both bluntly and as basically as I can. Not that I disagree with how men are reacting to this one sided argument, and in light of the ignorance we are just uncovering regarding male victims of both domestic and sexual violence…but that we are still doing it some 50 years after we should have passed it. It was Erin Pizzey (creator of the first women’s shelter in the world), that floored me when stating emphatically that most of the women entering those shelters were themselves violent, that a violent mother is as bad as… Read more »
“…the rhetoric of this issue being painted as a women’s issue when men are mostly responsible is problematic and causes further division.” The rhetoric of this issue being painted as one of gender, gendered differences, and gendered conflict is what is problematic, and causes further division. If one wishes to cite correlation as the same as causation then why stop with gender- that, the broadest and most ubiquitous of all demographic divisions? Because generalizing by a demographic as broad as gender is no more effective or ethical in understanding causality & assigning collective culpability than is pigeonholing by narrower demographics… Read more »
Thanks for the feedback, I appreciate your thoughts and would like to clear up some things. First off, I only came up with the first half of this title “A Devastating Divide,” the editors came up with the second half “The conversation we aren’t having about sexual assault.” I don’t claim that no one else is having this conversation in my article, and I cite other people who are talking about it. The main point is that the rhetoric of this issue being painted as a women’s issue when men are mostly responsible is problematic and causes further division. I… Read more »
“It demonstrates an inability to be humble and to listen to issues affecting women that are primarily the responsibility of men” I disagree. It shows an ability to be rational rather than simply being emotional. For example, in my comment simply pointing out ways that society can achieve this goal is viewed as being not humble because it doesn’t expect men to resolve the issue on their own. Many people have come to the conclusion and I believe that it is conventional thought these days that violence is cyclical. It’s learned. People who witness DV go on to commit it.… Read more »
What do you mean we’re not having this conversation? Men can stop rape, don’t skirt the issue, walk a mile in her shoes, etc. This is the only conversation we’re having. So why is it that when we down play women’s contributions to anything else it’s considered misogyny, but not when it comes to interpersonal violence then it’s (supposedly) misogyny to acknowledge their contribution? I agree with many of the commenters here. If you want men to respect others, teach them that they deserve respect. If you want men to believe that each person has ownership of their genitals, teach… Read more »
Jordan, I agree with what you said here. It even reminded me of an article I wrote on a similar topic and message: “Men, Have You Grieved for Women Yet?” [https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/men-have-you-grieved-for-women-yet-dg/]. Men truly need to listen more intently about women’s experiences and stand up against the mindsets and cultural norms that allow or promote sexual assault towards them. But as the other commentators here have stressed, the assaults women usually experience from men are also an element to the broader problem of assaults in general that men can and have also suffered from by the hands of women (and other… Read more »
It’s funny you mention the “crossing boundaries” article, because I did stumble on it right after reading this one yesterday. I’m curious, why do you say that your experience isn’t “technically” sexual assault?
Oh, I was acknowledging that others may be hesitant to consider my experience as an actual “sexual assault”, but it was also an airing of my own continued doubt about the severity of my recent experience, as I explored in that article I mentioned.
Thanks for reading and commenting on both Kilo!
Actually we are having this conversation about sexual assault, over and over, and it’s the wrong one. This is not a new conversation, we have also recently seen it with the #DearDaddy video as well as numerous articles in the mainstream press going back for years. The reason men get defensive around this issue and its proposed solution of behavioural policing is it is completely insensitive to the abusive gender conditioning that most men in our society have received, which is at the heart of the issue being raised. “Teaching men about consent is everyone’s responsibility, not just women’s” suggests… Read more »
Dan Ariely and George Loewenstein (2006), “The Heat of the Moment: The Effect of Sexual Arousal on Sexual Decision Making.” Journal of Behavioral Decision Making. Vol.19: 87-98
My biggest challenge with the discussion on Sexual Assault is that there is a lot more nuance than either side wants to admit. There is a tendancy for campus activists to freely equate “Sexual Assault” with “Rape” and seek to treat all incidents of sexual assault with equal seriousness, when there are verying degrees to the problem. A guy going in to kiss a woman after mis-reading her body language is different than a guy who tries to go in for the kiss after she explicitly tells him “no,” which should be further differentiated from a guy who threatens a… Read more »
“Yeah, maybe there’s multiple things going on here,” or “even if it’s the same root cause, maybe we should treat the severity of these things differently.” Yep. Misreading body language and going for a kiss when one isn’t welcome, taking advantage of a drunk woman, yelling rude commentary, etc…. are all lumped together as rape. WHen the nuance is lacking its no wonder mud gets thrown. I have repeatedly had women come up and grab my ass, put their hands on my chest, leg, or crotch without my consent. In no way should this be confused or conflated to be… Read more »
– Yeah I wouldn’t say you were assaulted but you were definitely harassed and that’s a very real thing. So, genuine question: what is the difference between sexual harassment and sexual assault? My impression was always that harassment was non-physical or workplace related, but once it became physical it fell into the assault (or is it battery?) side of things. Most of the discourse I’ve heard/read on sexual assault on colleges lump touching/groping into sexual assault. -Well we are told that social conditioning warps the stats on assault and harassment of women so I’m not sure why it doesn’t affect… Read more »
I think that this piece really misses the mark re: male defensiveness. With all due respect, these arguments about toxic masculinity (which the author hints at without using directly) have been hashed and then re-hashed a thousand times before, and yet men are still defensive. If this was the answer, the problem would be solved by now. I suspect the problem is more fundamental: the proponents of these sorts of conversations repeatedly demand that men validate women’s experiences, without ever bothering to inquire–much less validate–male experience. The defensiveness is the natural result of having your reality fundamentally challenged by people… Read more »
The defensiveness is the natural result of having your reality fundamentally challenged by people who refuse to listen to your experience. Pretty much. The problem is now a the validity of a person’s experience hinges more on the label or a person or the group they belong to than the experience itself. That’s how in one breath someone can demand that men listen to women’s experiences because it goes against “conventional wisdom” (aka patriarchy) but in the next actually promote the denial of men’s experiences because they don’t line up with what woman say men’s experiences are. But what’s important… Read more »