It is an all too common belief that relationships boil down to a few moments that make or break a partnership.
“If only I would have said x instead of y.”
“We could have talked about this, and maybe it wouldn’t have blown up.”
You are focusing on situational emotional responses without digging into the real issues and the behaviors that created these events.
If you have followed my writing, then you know the focus of creating change through understanding your attachment style is the solution to your relationship woes.
It won’t happen overnight; it takes an in-depth understanding of your triggers, needs, and emotional responses that you need to control.
Focus on the dynamic of your relationship. You and your partner can be a mix of any of the four attachment styles: Dismissive avoidant, fearful avoidant, anxious preoccupied, and secure.
Focusing on the fearful-avoidant, dismissive-avoidant dynamic, let’s look at some core issues and structure and strategies you can put in place to create a bond as you work through your attachment transition.
Shutting down and disconnecting
It can sound apparent that both of these attachment styles struggle with shutting down or running away.
The difference is that each attachment style does this differently.
- A dismissive-avoidant will shut down as a retreat to self-soothing. An instinct to rely on themselves will cause a need to want space.
- Issues cause a dismissive avoidant to need isolated time to work through them.
On the flip side
- A fearful avoidant’s trigger and fear of abandonment will cause them to want to close the communication gap.
- A fearful avoidant can also resist and fight against the feeling of abandonment with outbursts.
As you can see, this is a recipe for disaster if you do not address each attachment style’s needs in this push-pull scenario. Each partner in this dynamic will push and pull out of the same fear; does this person love me?
A dismissive-avoidant fear is that they cannot trust their partner with their emotions, while the fearful-avoidant fear is that they have trust in their partner and that person broke the contract.
Inconsistency
Inconsistency might be the most troubling dynamic in this relationship. Both partners in this partnership will show inconsistent behavior.
- A fearful avoidant displays hot and cold behaviors; they can be all in one minute and want to end the relationship over an argument on the flip side.
- A dismissive-avoidant can be all in on a relationship but will shut down, deject and not communicate when they feel an imbalance in harmony.
The irony is these dynamics are triggers for the other party.
- The fearful-avoidant needs validation and reassurance that they have security in their relationship, or they will seek it by pulling toward their partner.
- A dismissive-avoidant needs to feel a sense of security through being in a stable relationship that allows for independence.
These two attachment styles have different needs in a partnership within how they interact with their partners. It is almost a test; each sees how their partner will respond.
Each partner wants corrective behaviors from their partner but displays opposite to natural instinctive behaviors.
Conflict resolution
When an argument happens in this attachment style, the effects have consequences for each party.
- A fearful avoidant will feel a range of emotions such as rejection and unworthiness.
- A dismissive-avoidant will feel a loss of harmony and feel helpless.
Both of these are core wounds of the attachment styles.
- A fearful avoidant will retract their abandonment fear while trying to fix the issue with their partner.
- A dismissive-avoidant will distance themself from the “issue” and take conflict as a personal criticism.
It can be difficult for this dynamic to resolve an issue because they both have an “ I am defective” wound around criticism.
Both parties should understand that this is their perception, and their partner reacts from their protective instinct and not through rejection or lack of care.
Conclusion
As you see, the consistent theme of this relationship dynamic is a push-pull reaction when each is triggered.
A solution to this dynamic is to challenge your internal desire while respecting your partner’s external desire.
- A fearful-avoidant needs to express when they are hurt. When they harbor their perceived pain, it builds up and results in outbursts.
- A fearful-avoidant also needs to create action items around needs. I need validation is a lot weaker than I need to hear I’m doing well and that you appreciate me.
On the flip side
- A dismissive-avoidant needs to express that their need for independence is not a rejection of their partner.
- A dismissive-avoidant also needs to create a space for their partner to be present in their life. Alone time can be in the same room.
Support and love will override the volatility if the balance is consistent on the former. Both parties need to hear each other and pause.
The reassuring piece of this dynamic is that each attachment style desperately wants to connect and form a strong bond with its partner.
Expressing the importance of your needs and creating action items are essential for this dynamic to flourish. It is hard for each party, but vulnerability is the avenue at which a connection forms.
Trust must come first.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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