I’ve got a ton of scars from my time in the hospital.
I’ve had infected muscles removed from my leg during chemotherapy.
And I’ve had a Hickman Line surgically inserted through my chest and into a vein near my heart.
I haven’t counted them inch by inch, but as far as my reflection tells me, I’ve got my fair share of battle scars.
Let me tell ya, every one of ‘em sits mentally on my shoulder. Like a tiny cherub wearing 10-ounce boxing gloves, they’re ready to belt my self-confidence at the first thought of getting naked in front of someone.
It wasn’t until I volunteered my feelings to a Tinder date that I realized… no one cared as much as I did.
“I didn’t notice them, to be honest, ” she replied, casually propping herself up against the headboard like I’d asked where she wanted to go for brunch.
The stark contrast between my fears and her feelings lasted about 10 seconds until I joined her for a nude and rude time. But it’s a feeling I’ve wrestled with since my cancer diagnosis.
Why are we so quick to judge our own appearance?
If you’ve ever looked in the mirror and judged the person staring back at you, you’re not alone.
You’re far from the only one who could be kinder to their body
Think about the criticism you’ve delivered to your own reflection. Now think about the way you treat others when they’re feeling flat.
There’s a fair chasm between those two deliveries, right?
Ironically, we often treat our friends, family and lovers with a level of compassion and acceptance that we fail to consistently show ourselves.
In fact, according to a 2018 study, most Americans report being unhappy with how their body looks (79%), with dissatisfaction most prevalent when looking in the mirror (39%).
So if you steer clear of mirrors, shrink to the back of group photos, or have a knack for spotting flaws in your appearance no matter what you’re wearing (or not wearing), you’re not alone.
How to start being kinder to yourself
Oh boy, I’ve set myself a serious challenge with a sub-headline like that…
The truth is, I don’t have all the answers regarding self-compassion.
All I know is that my experience with cancer left me hating my body for too long — and it’s been a relief to change my self-talk, even just a little.
Cultural conditioning would have us believe that self-worth comes from body weight, size, and appearance. But that’s a B.S. view that needs busting.
Case in point — if Barbie was life-sized, she’d stand 5’9″ and weigh just 110 pounds. Oh, and she wouldn’t menstruate due to low levels of fat on her body.
“Merry Christmas, kids. Here is your chronically ill, non-menstruating Barbie… why are you crying?!”
Throw in a culture of social media where “perfect” bodies are celebrated, and it’s no wonder that some studies suggest 20% to 40% of women are dissatisfied with their bodies. For men, this ranges between 10% and 30%.
So if you’ve turned the blamethrower on yourself, it might be because you’ve been tricked into thinking your body is less than. When really, you’re more than enough.
That’s my advice, from a battle-weary body tested by cancer, to you…
Remind yourself of everything you’ve been through. Your body was with you for every challenge, tough time, and obstacle. Make a conscious effort to be grateful for the body that’s got you to where you are.
When you focus on what you have and how far you’ve come, you’ll start to appreciate what you see — and appreciation is a powerful step towards acceptance, compassion, and self-love.
That’s my two cents.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Autumn Goodman via Unsplash