There is something that all couples go through in a moment of conflict.
It is a decision that makes or breaks the future of your relationship.
We have these conversations where we talk about how we will navigate difficult times, ideally.
The difference is what we say we will do compared to when we are in the moment facing it.
Do we have a system in place respecting the needs of each person in the relationship?
Or
Does all that go out of the window once either person is heated and finds themselves reverting to their instinct?
There is a formula to be the former of these two.
There is another layer to add when you are focusing on how this is affected by each attachment style’s behaviors.
It is not easy to combat your instincts when you are facing conflict.
Your rational mind knows how to process your emotions. Your irrational side tells you to “forget all that and screw that person making you mad.”
We know that is not an appropriate way to operate in a healthy relationship.
Let’s examine what is going through the mind of each attachment style in moments of conflict and a healthy resolution to fixing the problem.
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As we go on, I want you to evaluate these attachment styles and how they can combat each other and create issues that aren’t central to the conflict. Think about ways you and your partner can make a baseline for alignment before you dig into any problem you’re dealing with.
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Dismissive avoidant
The dismissive-avoidant attachment style creates a unique challenge because owners of it dislike one thing above all: volatility.
To the dismissive-avoidant, the conflict looks like an imbalance that will throw them off the feeling of harmony that they enjoy.
The best thing the dismissive-avoidant can see is working with someone who is not pushing them into engaging but instead allowing them an avenue to feel like the interaction is a conversation rather than an argument.
Whether you are the dismissive-avoidant or in a relationship with one, it is vital to establish the safety of having a negative interaction.
When the dismissive-avoidant feels accused of something or is the only one accountable, they will shut down.
The dismissive-avoidant wants to feel like they are working with someone rather than against their partner.
Next, the DA wants to feel like they have processed the conflict before they are ready to talk.
Generally, the DA needs hours rather than minutes to process.
When they feel rushed, they will bypass the need to have the conversation with their desire to take time to think.
When you approach the DA before they have processed, they will not be ready to engage with you, and it will feel like the person is careless when they have not had time to think.
Take a step back, present the issue, and set a time to talk later in the day.
Anxious preoccupied
The anxious individual is a complete 180 from what you see in the dismissive-avoidant attachment style.
The AP can become overwhelmed by the idea of unresolved conflict.
It is not an insult, but they struggle with sitting on an issue and giving it time to cool down.
The AP wants the issue quickly resolved so they know their partner values their feelings.
Their fear of abandonment pairs with the thought of not being seen by their partner and will create a whirlwind of emotions if they don’t feel support.
Ignoring an issue will trigger other emotions, such as being with someone who doesn’t care about them.
If you need time to process your feelings, you should allow the AP space to express theirs, even if you are not ready to talk. They want to feel like they can come to you with their emotions and, at minimum, have a partner who will listen.
The AP doesn’t necessarily need an immediate resolution. They have thoughts circling through their mind that they want to release, or they will feel overwhelmed and trapped.
Fearful avoidant
The fearful-avoidant has unique qualities but also mixes in dismissive-avoidant and anxious-avoidant traits.
One thing rings true for the fearful-avoidant that you can never forget. Once you confirm a negative belief, it is hard for you to turn it around.
The FA is the “one foot out the door” attachment style. They are looking for a drop in your reliability to confirm their fear.
They want to know they can rely on you during conflict.
Mixing in the traits of the other attachment styles, you can have a partner who might need time to process or one who wants to kill issues immediately. It is case by case with the FA.
At the end of the day, if you lose their trust, it will be a task to gain it back.
The key to resolving conflict with the FA is to know their fears and triggers and navigate the conversation.
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Navigating conflict is more than addressing the central issue. It is about knowing how to approach your partner so they feel supported even when you disagree.
Remember, I do not write for people who want to stay stagnant and not progress toward a secure attachment style.
I write guides so you can assist your partner during their transition.
Remember, this is your partner, not your enemy.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Sweet Life on Unsplash
