This article is probably not for everyone.
The word ‘strategic’ might have triggered some people.
But if you’re in pain and want a way out, then you might find some help here.
This article is mainly about being depressed as a result of not having your life together.
I call that, “crippling depression”.
The term “crippling depression” isn’t clinically recognized.
And it’s neither a medical nor psychological term. But we use it when the shit hits the fan with our depression.
You know, when depression takes a toll on our lives.
When it becomes too painful and harmful.
You know, the depression that accompanies being lost and clueless about what to do. About being in pain, in the dark, alone, and don’t know what to do.
If you have ever dealt with depression, you know the pain.
Maybe you are dealing with it now and fighting it. If you are, my heart is praying for you.
If a loved one is battling crippling depression, you know how painful that is. No one wants to see someone they love suffer this way.
One day, a thought crossed my mind.
Maybe some people are destined to become more depressed than others. And maybe some of us have to battle this shit more than others do.
It’s nothing to be ashamed of.
But anyway, depression sucks!
And when I say, ‘it sucks!’ I mean that it’s not only painful but also can affect your life in profound ways.
We will go through this in seconds.
Let’s set up some expectations first
Before we start, this article is not the ultimate solution to depression. It’s not a ‘fix’ that will solve everything wrong with your emotional world.
It will offer some help. I will share what I have found useful when this dog appears in my life.
It will also give you good insights if a loved one is going through hell. Not as a way to fix or save them; merely to understand and then be helpful based on this understanding.
While it can help, it’s not a cure for clinical depression, and it’s not a substitute for professional help.
I will just share what I know about depression — mine and the one I saw loved ones fight. I will not share it as ‘opinions’; I will share it based on facts and research as much as my competence allows me.
First, allow me to introduce…
Positive feedback loop
You get a hangover after you drink.
One of the best ways to make this hangover go away is to, well… drink again.
It relieves you from the withdrawal symptoms.
When you drink again, you will get another hangover, usually a stronger one.
How to get rid of it?
Drink.
Drinking gives you positive, immediate outcomes, which are the relief of the withdrawal symptoms and the hangover.
But they come back again stronger.
And to make them go away, you drink again. More aggressively.
Now, this is a loop; a devilish loop!
It can spiral you down and make it harder to stand up again.
This can happen with many things in life, including depression.
Depression, and even anxiety, which usually accompanies depression, can create such a loop as well.
Here’s how.
It is hard to get up and do something about your life when you are depressed. Helplessness, low energy, and cognitive distortions (or negative filters) are not a joke.
And when you don’t do anything, your life will get worse and you will get more depressed.
When more depressed, you end up doing less and screwing things up more.
So, you become more depressed.
And the loop continues.
Also, depression can make you withdraw from the people you love because of feelings of shame or feeling like you are a burden-some. Or even feeling that you might hurt them when you are in this state.
You will feel lonelier and isolated because of the withdrawal.
This can worsen your depression.
And when your depression is worsened, you will feel more shame and feel like a burden-some more, which will lead to more withdrawal and shutting down.
And that will, again, worsen your depression.
You get the idea.
This loop might not be the cause of your depression. But it makes it worse.
I intend to use this same loop to help you reduce depression instead of the opposite. And to generally help you become a better person.
Here is how.
Positive feedback loop and the upward spiral
We have seen how a positive feedback loop works with drinking and, more importantly, depression.
But it does not have to be only about negative things.
This loop can help reach positive results.
We can use it to spiral ourselves upward (even if we are not depressed and just want to improve).
More specifically, we can use it to make our crippling depression less and our fighting chances better.
First of all, recognizing these loops and how you are using them to manage your emotions is a good start.
You might not be able to break them easily, but a loop that is broken by %10 percent is less damaging than a full loop that perpetually goes uninterrupted.
This leads us to the next point, which requires you to look at your depression a bit differently.
Look, depression is not something that I can underestimate.
It is painful and it has a life on its own inside our brains and hearts; a dark life that darkens us.
But I believe that this way of describing depression can be too artistic to induce changes or provoke any healing.
We need a rational way of looking at depression, not to dehumanize it or make those suffering from it look lazy; we need it to help those suffering from it (us!) find their way out.
Empathy is good; it’s even better when it precedes advice. But we do need advice. And we sometimes need solutions.
As I mentioned earlier, this is not an ultimate solution nor is it a substitute for professional help.
But I believe it’s helpful. And I believe that if this ‘loops thing’ made any sense to you, so will this piece of advice.
Let’s explore…
Behavioral Shutdown Model
So, back to the topic, we need to think of depression differently. One of the ways I believe is helpful is the BSM (Behavioral Shutdown Model).
In brief, it’s about depression being a defensive mechanism, just like pain is, that tells us there is something wrong with our emotional world.
And usually, our emotional world is about things in our physical world.
So, it’s about things you are going through. Troublesome things. Things that are making your life worse. And depression is the signal.
This doesn’t deny the effectiveness of medications. Some people might need them, to some extent, along with therapy sessions.
But the point is, there are problems in your life.
Let’s start there.
‘Problems’ is a word that I chose only for the sake of simplification.
In real life, it’s more complicated.
There are dreams, desires, needs, longings, fears, traumas, and stresses that are triggering pain. But let’s just call them problems. I might explore that in another article.
Before we do anything, let’s talk about the shame of having problems.
It’s important because this shame can be more dangerous than the problems themselves.
Some people have less complex and more straightforward problems.
For instance, making money or studying.
Those challenges face almost everyone. However, not all of us cope well with these problems and not all of us have fair situations. So, some suffer more.
Other people have more complex problems with more underlying issues.
Those problems might not be obvious or straightforward.
They are usually about abstract meanings such as safety, love, the meaning of life, freedom, and so on.
They, sure, can overlap with some seemingly obvious problems.
For instance, money can be, for someone, a means to have freedom and safety, which are incredibly important to him as they had been taken away from him and he has always felt threatened because of not obtaining them.
So, yeah. Problems.
Let’s talk about problems.
And let’s talk about how positive feedback loops can help us solve problems (instead of worsening them).
Problems are good to have
But listen!
I don’t wish you would have problems that weigh on your shoulder more than you can carry and handle.
But, to wish for a life without problems is merely wishful thinking.
So, problems, even ones that make your brain respond by inducing pain, are inevitable.
But that is not a bad thing.
Problems can give meaning to your life given that you step up to the challenge and accept the responsibility for handling them.
They can make you as much as they can break you.
Here’s one of the rules I believe in:
If your life lacks meaning, then stop looking for shinny goals and start looking for your own problems and hold yourself accountable for dealing with them. Your own problems, not the world’s problem. Your own shit that’s making the world a shitty place.
That’s not selfishness; that’s not self-loathing. That’s, partly, wisdom in knowing the borders of your competence.
Being aware of your problems is the first step.
Apply some self-awareness and some self-acceptance so that you don’t hate yourself because of your problems.
You are probably aware of some, if not most, of your problems. You know where your life sucks and where you are suffering. That’s the start.
The next step is, obviously, solving those problems. Or at least attempting to and starting to apply some solutions.
Many people fall prey to the monsters of hopelessness and helplessness. They don’t believe they can be in a better place; they believe that doing anything is fruitless.
And I do understand how difficult it is to actually think otherwise. I experienced that first hand.
That’s where a positive feedback loop can be helpful. It’s a healthy way to challenge and destroy, these beliefs.
You need to find a tiny thing that you can do.
A tiny solution.
The smallest and most trivial thing you can do, over the next few days or weeks.
And stick to it.
Sticking to it should not be difficult because it’s so small and easy for you. If it’s still too difficult, pick something smaller and easier.
When you do this thing, over and over, a few things will happen as the feedback loop starts functioning.
First, there will be at least a %0.00001 change or improvement.
This small improvement will slowly amplify things like self-respect, strength, courage, discipline, and tolerance.
They might be amplified quite unnoticeably at the beginning, but we are looking at a snowball right here.
Plus, sticking to this %0.00001 improvement is a lot easier than trying to stick to big commitments right away given the energy levels you have and the nagging voices inside of your brain.
Now, having those things I mentioned (courage, self-respect, …etc.) amplified will help you pick up something bigger and more difficult and do it.
It will help you carry on with doing this tiny thing until you have what it takes to do the next ‘bigger tiny thing.’ And so on.
People get overwhelmed because they think about those big solutions they need to apply. And depression sits there at the corner laughing at us and questioning how on earth would we do all that with this minimum energy and gloomy faces and knotted feelings. And it’s right! How the hell are we going to do that? We can’t. At least, we can’t right now.
But we can create a tiny loop that will spiral us upward and enable us to break free. Even if we don’t believe we can ever break free!
And more good news! This %0.00001 improvement will compound. It will reach %100 or %1000 in ways that you never thought were possible.
Those who start to get some will eventually get more. I don’t remember where I heard this, but it’s true.
So, find a small thing. A trivial thing, even. Call it boring or seemingly useless, but do it anyway.
This will end up amplifying good things within you. And that, in turn, will help spiral you upward, slowly but steadily.
We try to find instant and big solutions to our problems. One or two things that will heroically solve all of our problems. This is a sign of impatience. And it doesn’t work with the more complicated problems. We should focus on finding tiny things to do that will contribute, in the long run, to solving the problems and improving the situation.
Stop looking for ‘ultimate’ solutions and start applying the ‘tiny’, ‘boring’, and ‘seemingly-useless’ solutions. Snowballs are accumulated; they don’t fall from the sky.
This way, you can have a fighting chance.
You can take down crippling depression one piece at a time. One day at a time. One week at a time.
Heck, one month or one year at a time if that’s what it takes!
You are making your life better in the process. Being at rock bottom isn’t fun at all; drag yourself out one inch at a time.
Helping a loved one who struggles with depression
For those helping a loved one through this, be strong for your own sake.
And if that’s too much, be strong for their sake.
By ‘be strong’ I merely mean creating those tiny positive feedback loops that will spiral you upward.
Take care of yourself if you wish you would take care of someone else.
You can’t change or save someone; that’s a hard pill to swallow especially if you love them dearly, but it’s actually selfish to solve their problems for them.
Sometimes the best act of love is to lead by example and to be there supporting them as they solve their own problems.
Do that and be there for them.
Your presence would help. Your courage could be contagious and inspiring. No super-hero stuff. Or maybe this is what real superhero stuff is.
Putting This Into Action
Here are 3 tips that somehow sum up what you can do to overcome “crippling depression”.
Set a routine
Routines can help your mind cope with uncertainty.
They can also help you develop a set of habits that can spiral you upward.
I can’t tell you what to include in your routine, for it has to be as unique as your case is.
But generally speaking, try to include what follows.
Set a time to wake up. Ideally, you should wake up at the same time every day. Sleeping time should be the same as well to help you get a good number of sleeping hours.
And then you need to have a healthy breakfast.
Those are ideas derived from the book 12 Rules to Life by Jordan Peterson. A healthy breakfast and enough sleeping hours can go a long way.
Think about what little thing you can do every day to help you create an upward spiral. It can be reading. Creating. Communicating with people. Relaxing.
Whatever!
Do it in the smallest doses possible to make it a part of your daily routine.
And I said, ‘the smallest doses possible’ because …
Lower your expectations of yourself
You are already operating on your 50% or something close to that.
That’s not a good time to demand too much of yourself.
In fact, that’s not a good time to even demand what’s normal from yourself.
So, lower your expectations of yourself.
If you could read only 2 pages a day, that would be great. You don’t have to read, like, 10 or 100 pages.
Remember, you are trying to help yourself.
And to demand more of yourself is not realistic during these times. Fuck the self-help and motivation posts that tell you to push yourself. This is not the right time.
Remember that you are not your best self right now. You are not operating on your 100%.
Set a minimum baseline. Stick to it.
And try to communicate with people who are close to you about how you are feeling and what expectations you are not able to meet at the current moment.
(If a loved one is going through depression, be helpful and don’t add more pressure to them by expectations they currently can’t meet).
They can help.
For instance, helping you with giving you space or by doing some of the house chores.
This brings us to the next point …
Get social support
I know, I know. It’s hard.
Withdrawal and isolation seem like the best choices when you are depressed.
Plus, who has the energy for any social contact?
And who has the energy to tolerate you being a slack?
And to make matters worse, some people are not comfortable asking for help.
But, screw all this and do it anyway.
Reach out to those you trust. Talk. Tell them what you are going through.
Discuss feelings. Discuss any dark thoughts you are worried about.
Ask for reassurance or accountability or whatever that you need.
I am serious.
Ask and be assertive about what you need even when you are terribly depressed.
Take responsibility, however, for your own situation and don’t demand a certain response or to be saved. Realize that people won’t save you or turn your life around. That’s up to you.
Social connection can help a great deal. Feeling safe and connected to people who care about you can be soothing and encouraging. Don’t underestimate its power.
Before you go, remember.
My heart is praying for you.
We don’t know each other, but we have one thing in common: knowing what depression feels like. And I want you to overcome this or at least be able to handle it.
All the best.
Before you go, remember.
Don’t believe depression. Don’t believe the pain. You can always reach for help. Things can get better.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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