Brian Whitney reflects on love, loss, and the twists and turns of life on the passing of his pet.
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My dog Hudson passed away the other day. I will miss him terribly.
I say he was mine, but he really wasn’t. He used to be mine long ago, but then I got divorced, and along with losing everything else in my life, I lost my dog too.
I don’t say this to feel sorry for myself, no great tragedy befell me, it needed to happen, I needed to change, there was no point in pretending I was okay. I was deep into addiction and I was a fraud. My marriage, my job, my role as a step parent, my daily walks with my handsome yellow lab in my wealthy coastal town, all of it was traded in for more immediate, and much darker needs. While I moved back to the city and fed my habits, my dog stayed with my ex, where she loved him and took care of him, as she did her son.
When breakups occur things around dogs can get messy, but not very often. Most times someone just walks away and leaves the dog behind. I knew a couple that went to court over their dog. I know a few couples that would break up and then would split custody, but not many. Most couples just decide who gets the dog and then moves on. It isn’t worth it to most people to deal with awkwardness and recriminations because of a dog.
I might not have been sleeping in the same house as my dog anymore, but that dog was in my life, and I was going to hang out with him and love him as long as I was allowed.
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I am not like that. I might not have been sleeping in the same house as my dog anymore, but that dog was in my life, and I was going to hang out with him and love him as long as I was allowed.
He stayed with my ex because I couldn’t care for him. I couldn’t even take care of myself, there was no way I could take care of a dog. He loved me though, he always did, and I always missed him.
He lived to be nine, his birthday was just a few days ago. He died quickly, he had a nasty, invasive from of cancer, no one saw it coming, and his death was almost immediate.
I was there the day it happened. I was spending time with my ex. We are friends now. Earlier in the day we took him for a walk in the park, we talked about things as we used to do, he ran around in the woods, jumped in a pond or two, and said hello to everyone he saw. A few hours later I would sob as I crouched on the floor next to him at the animal emergency clinic as he passed away.
When I got him I was married to a woman that I was certain that I was to be with for the rest of my days. I was certain that she was the love of my life. She had a four-year old and had just bought a home. We both had long been dog people, and we decided a puppy would fill out our family handsomely.
We had the kind of love that only two crazy people could, it was glorious and stupid all at once.
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She and I were perfect together, it seemed there was nothing that would tear us apart. We had the kind of love that only two crazy people could, it was glorious and stupid all at once. She was kind, sexy and smart, and not only that but she was hilarious, I have always had a soft spot for a funny woman. The sex was great, and she laughed at my jokes, but even more important than all of that was the fact that we were best friends.
We didn’t last too long, soon we got divorced …. I realized later that me being insane, an addict, and a liar would tend to have a negative effect on my marriage, but at the time it was emotional, it was unfair. I had been married before, this was not the first of my failed relationships, of lost loves, and of lifelong friendships that were not to be.
In fact in my previous divorce, I also lost a dog, a Great Dane rescue named Blossom that I adored. The scene was very similar, there was never any thought as to who would have her, I was way too messed up. Just as I did with Hudson, I still saw her almost every day, but she stayed in my old house with my ex wife. As an abused dog she didn’t trust many people, and I remained in her life until the end. She lived to an age of 13, which was amazing for a Dane, and we made the decision together to put her down.
I left the marriage that time. I liked her and she was a good woman, but I didn’t love her as much as I should have, and as always, I was acting out in my addiction in ever increasing insane ways. But still, I would always think “How can I leave, I can’t leave Blossom”? I loved that dog more than anything.
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I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that if any woman knew the depth of my problems that she would leave me.
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Apart for the love of my dogs, almost everything about me was fake back then. I was an addict and very active in my addiction. I wasn’t ready to let anyone see who I was, or what I was up to. It was extremely important to not let people really know me. I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that if any woman knew the depth of my problems that she would leave me. And they would leave me of course. Not because of my problems though, but because of my dishonesty around them.
Whether Hudson was mine or not, I loved him very much. All dogs are wonderful and as the movie title says, all dogs go to Heaven, but Hudson was a special boy. Almost all yellow labs are friendly and handsome, but he took both qualities to the extreme. He was a lovely soul, and ridiculously good looking. He loved the people in his life with all his heart, and brightened all of our days.
While some male dogs become tough guys along the way, Hudson remained a sweet boy. He stayed puppy like throughout his life.
Just as I did my previous dog, I saw him a lot, as even though I am divorced, my ex and I stayed friends. In part because of her son, and in part because we still love each other, and also because of Hudson.
The love for a dog is something that one either understands or does not. Hudson was my boy, and although the day he passed was one of the worst days of my life, I feel blessed that I was able to be there to support my ex and to see him once before he was gone.
I failed as a husband twice, and I failed as a step dad, but I was a good man to my dogs. I am proud of that, although it is hard to think of all the time I missed spending with him.
Hudson, I will miss you.
Photo—Jason Trbovich/Flickr
Hi Brian
I understand your love for dogs.
Here is some photos for you of Akiak. The man that owns this dog gave up his job to have more time with the dog.
http://www.nrk.no/hordaland/sa-opp-jobben-for-a-ga-pa-tur-med-hunden-1.12616574
My heart is with you and Hudson, Brian.
Nice piece of heartfelt writing too. It moved me this morning.
Stay strong, brother.