Forgive me if my lack of fascination with anatomy and sexual desire makes me seem complicated. I don’t mean to be and don’t believe that I am. I understand that we have primal instincts that are attracted to beauty and gratified through physical contact.
I am no exception. Affection and intimacy also rank near the top of my list when factoring in essential elements of a healthy romantic relationship. It’s just not enough to evoke my sustained interest.
We all desire and want to be desired. I can appreciate this aspect of engagement. For some, especially if your love language is physical touch, the need to be held, kissed, and made love to supersedes all others. If that’s the only expression of love you get from a partner, it will often suffice. Without it, nothing else matters much.
Then there are those like me, the opposite.
I’ve never felt content in a relationship that wasn’t stimulating on multiple levels. Although, I’ve been with people who were great in bed.
Those treasured few knew exactly how to please a woman and were eager to study how they could pleasure me specifically. They didn’t take it personally when maneuvers they thought I would like didn’t align with my needs. These individuals took their time and were deliberate, unselfish lovers. They always, I mean every single time, ensured that I was satisfied before indulging their gratification.
If this sounds amazing, that’s because it is!
However, even with these great lovers, I found myself unfulfilled if there were no other areas of arousal. My lingering thought was, “Ok, this is nice, but what else?”
When I think back on instances where I was connected, emotionally invested, and content, it was because of additional interaction that piqued my curiosity. I was with people who introduced me to music I hadn’t heard, taught me something new, or offered intellectual conversation. I’ve learned that I need various points of meaningful exchange to bond with someone.
For many women, to be courted without being sexualized is a dream.
Not to imply that there aren’t also men who yearn for non-physical stimulation. I’m sure this idea isn’t limited to one gender. But in my experience, it’s women who most often battle the circumstance. Perhaps that’s because we face it more frequently.
Not to be confused with being found sexy, according to the American Psychological Association, sexualization occurs when a person’s value comes only from her/his sexual appeal or behavior, to the exclusion of other characteristics, and when a person is sexually objectified, e.g., made into a thing for another’s sexual use.
That’s how it feels to me when someone doesn’t bother learning my less tangible qualities. When the only compliments offered and questions asked pertain to my appearance — it feels like I’m being sexualized. If there seems to be no interest in dialogue of substance, inquiries into what I do, and support of my passions, a red flag erects in my mind that signals a lack of genuine care about all things non-sexual. It indicates the absence of significant concern with who I am as a person.
And I am a person. As are you — independent of even your most aesthetically pleasing attributes and alluring framework.
So, hyper-focus on outer appearance is a most potent turn off because I’m so much more than a warm body, or even a nice one. I like to think that my looks and anatomy are my least compelling characteristics.
I relish the energy of physical closeness.
This is simply not my motivator or my guide. Yet, I understand that lust and corporeal demonstrations of fondness can be a gateway to something more meaningful.
Some level of lust is critical to romantic love. The absence of desire and longing signifies a friendship, at best — a disappointing, forced, fragile union, at worst.
In Love, Freedom, Aloneness, Osho says,
Love has to arise out of lust. If you avoid lust, you will be avoiding the whole possibility of love itself. Love is not lust, true; but love is not without lust — that too is true.
Lust ignites our initial interest. It’s all we have to stir adoring intrigue until we’ve gotten to know someone. Physical attraction can be and often is the initial spark in a relationship. But it can never be my foundation.
You may not feel sexual attraction until you’ve emotionally bonded with someone. Or, you may only develop an emotional bond after you’ve been sexually intimate with a person. We’re not all wired the same and may not always be seeking a deeper connection. Yet, you don’t have to be sapiosexual, demisexual, or touch averse to reject objectification.
Suitors who don’t understand may feel as though we make a seamless process unnecessarily difficult. Or they’ll grow frustrated with our perhaps unusual response to common advances. They may not fathom how intentional affection can sometimes not be enough.
These individuals will just have to forgive me. I promise that I only aim to walk in my truth and my belief that being found sexually desirable is less flattering than being engaged as a whole human — cherished for all that I am.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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