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We complain a lot when we feel our parents don’t value us, when they don’t fulfill our wishes for the favourite things they never got for you. Since childhood, my parents taught me to complain little and to understand the possibilities, to sense the gravity of a situation. They gradually turned me into a less persuasive person. I won’t say I never complained; indeed, I have. I have, however, learnt to ‘let go’ of most of my unfulfilled desires.
My life has been more than my age counted in days, hours, minutes, and seconds. I have lived in the negligence of my existence, those finest things you never wanted to notice were the most precious for me. Often, I feel so unnoticed that even if my eyes water but I don’t moan or cry, my father won’t turn his head from the headlines of the news to see me crying while sitting facing him on the opposite side of the same small room.
In these moments, I keep my hopes alive.
I have learnt to stay hushed, alone. To exaggerate the issues feels filthy as if I would lose my self-respect in a nasty brawl. Now, my parents ask why I am so silent, why I am not opening the doors of the closed feelings. They even ask if they are worthy to tell. I say “It’s okay” by hanging a tiny smile or just with a regular face. I measure my actions a lot today. At any cost, I don’t want to wrap myself in a tragic problem caused by my disordered words.
Most of us show anger when we are scolded for any misdeed or for a small argument with their parents. Now, I no longer have that right without having them call me an adamant. Doing so would be a blunder that couldn’t be repaired. They would prove me to be a culprit, I fear, and never forgive me.
Going through a critical situation doesn’t only feed the wound of your soul or the pain of your heart or the incessant rain of your eyes. It also carries such distance that can be felt through the heart, not by the measurement of feet or meters. It carries a long-lived cautiousness that’s felt only when you attempt to attune a mistake or uncomfortability, which shouldn’t be there in the bond of a parent-child relationship. I want to shout and say, “Yes, I need some observations and love!” It seems to be the most impossible thing to do.
In the small alleys of these intense reactions, I have lived somewhat twice or thrice. I have smelt various odours of dissatisfaction and chose to be the reserved one with a ‘nerd’ vibe who makes you feel bored.
If you love the silence, however, the most peaceful silence, I can be the best one to pair with you and share a Pacific company in that blissful stillness each and every moment.
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